2023 is All About Me!

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Yea, I’m a poet and I didn’t know it. Anyway, I spent New Years with my friends like we do every year. A lovely time was had by all, though it was hard to stay up to midnight and watch the ball drop. It was just me and the three teenagers. I was glad I did.

I plan on focusing on me. What I want to do. What I want to make. Getting in better shape and health. Finishing unfinished projects that have been in limbo for so long (*cough, cough* basementrenovation *cough,cough…gives evil eye to hubby*)

I want to rationalize the money I spend. Take a pause when I see something Im about to buy and think is this something I actually need or is it an impulse buy? Put more in savings for something down the road like traveling.

I want to learn more. Since I started dating my now husband, he took over the cooking in exchange for I do all the laundry. While this is great for me, it means my cooking talents have gotten lost. I also have no imagination except for really simple things. Im great cooking italian but other then that I stand in front of the fridge or freezer completely uninspired. I started compiling a list of thing I wanted to do or learn.

-Take some cooking lessons. I want to be able to look at whats in the fridge or pantry cabinets and come up with something tasty and fun or interesting for dinner. Something my picky boys will eat too.

-Start taking guitar lessons again. Years ago when my boys were young, I was taking lessons in PA at a local music shop. I had to quit because their Dad got overtime and I had no sitter for them to go to the lessons. Now, they are 18 and 21 so no worries about needing a sitter.

-Yoga. I have never tried yoga. I have always had the mindset that because I’m overweight that I would not be able to perform the moves. I had given up before Id even tried. That changes now.

-More art and creativity in my life. I knit. I embroider. I feel like I’m in a rut though. I cross stitch, which i have done since I was 7. I do free embroidery where i draw the image on a transfer medium and then use that as a template. But, thanks to Pinterest and Instagram, I have found so many different types of projects, embroidery techniques and styles and I WANT TO TRY THEM ALL!!! So, break out of my rut, my comfort zone and try something new. My Pinterest board has so many ideas pinned it would take me a lifetime..or more to try them all.

-Organization and housekeeping. My house is pretty clean. With three corgis there is dog hair and of course, dust (which is the chore i hate the most). Years ago my Mom use to use this index card system that sorted the chores into days of the week. I want to say it was called The Fly Lady system. Monday you would vacuum and do two loads of laundry. Tuesday you would dust and run the dishwasher. Wednesday: clean the bathroom..etc., etc. with chores for each day of the week. Its purpose was to not make you feel overwhelmed and things got done and didn’t take a lot of time. I think each chore card had an estimated time of how long it would take. I remember helping my mother (I was maybe 10?) as part of my chores. She’d always give us the little ones like dusting the end tables. But anyway, to get into something like that again.

-Read more. While I love having paper books in my hand to read, it isn’t always feasible. Therefore my Kindle app or Audible app keeps me reading when Im someplace and do not have a book with me. On facebook, I shared a post from someone else about suggesting books to me to read and there is quite a few listed in the responses. I’ve made a list by my computer to check them off and read them before 2023 ends. Also, some classics. Kindle usually offers them for free.

-The big one: learn to love myself. In truth I don’t hate myself, I hate my body. Im very overweight and its hard to drop any weight between medical conditions and serious injuries ive suffered over the years (broken back, herniated disks in neck and low back, etc). I want to look in the mirror and not hate myself. Not feel badly about walking in front of a mirror that is lower than my upper chest. I see these women on Tiktok who have such confidence and self love (and yes I’m sure its not every day and that they have their bad days) but one in particular use to be a model I believe and then had children and as lots of women do, she gained weight. She is happy that way because she isn’t starving herself and having food intake constantly at the forefront of her mind. I want to be like that. This is a change in thought process, which is not easy. I grew up with a parent that was very concerned with how you looked, dressed, whether you wore lipstick, if your hair was coifed, etc. If you put on weight (which with puberty is when I started to) she would let you know it and lets just say tact is not something she knows. But I digress. I want to love myself more.

I know my goals are probably the same as many, many people in the world. I purposely will not put deadlines on them (especially the weightloss ones) because I dont want it to be “I hit the date, reached my goal, Im done!” I want this to go on and on for the rest of my days. Broaden my mind. Self improvement. Learn as much as I can.

Well, Its about time to start dinner.

Ciao!

Fuck Cancer

Posted on by Jennifer GB

After a real shit night of sleep, I get the news this morning that my friend and mentor that has been battling colon cancer that metastasized to his liver just found out they have four spots in their lungs…after a year of various treatments and surgeries. I. Am. Crushed. Trying very hard not to weep at work and grateful I have an office to hide in if I can’t keep the tears in check. My friend said she guesses they have maybe a year left. He’s been like a father figure for me and always there when I needed someone. He’s taught me a lot over the years and my heart is breaking he couldn’t get rid of it.

Im not sure if you’ve been here from the start but I began this blog when my oldest son was diagnosed with a rare kids cancer in 2016. After a year of a tough treatment regimen, he has been clear for five years and when he had his final scan in June, he was declared “cured” and now in survivorship status. He turns 21 in August.

So when I say any friend that has to deal with cancer just hits me hard. My friend is 75 and seems in good spirits I’m told but right now, I am not. I really just want to leave work and go home and drown myself in wine and chocolate. I plan on spending as much time as I possibly can with him over the next year and to the end. This is not the way I wanted to start my long weekend.

Alright. Time to at least LOOK like I’m working. Ciao.

How is it almost July already?!

Posted on by Jennifer GB

2021 has been crazy but not nearly as bad as 2020 was. So, to catch up my readers (all, like 5 of you, LOL) my entire family has been fully vaccinated. My boys went to school virtually the entire year because I sure as hell didn’t want to expose my oldest. who has thus far had clean scans from his cancer four years ago, to COVID. While I would say virtual learning wasn’t better than being in school, the two of them past with only one (my youngest) failing math that requires four weeks in summer school to make up. I’m not chastising him too much because, well, I sucked horrifically at math in high school so, I get it. My oldest graduated high school this year. (OMFG WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE!!??) A week before graduation, they lifted the two tickets per student limit for graduation and opened it to anyone and everyone and made it one big NORMAL graduation ceremony with kids sitting next to one another and no “6 feet apart” (of course masks if you hadn’t been vaccinated). I cried. A lot. My sister and Mom…cried..a lot. He is so happy and proud and went around showing everyone his class ring. Have you ever seen that commercial of the mother watching her son grow up and stating through each scene “if he xxx, it’ll be a miracle” and at the end of it he’s graduating high school and she says, with a tear in her eye “its a miracle”.. Yea. I said that. I live streamed his graduation for those that couldn’t be there and you can probably hear me say that on it, LOL! Five years ago when he was diagnosed with cancer I was fearful I would not see this day. I’m not overly religious but I thank God everyday that he has come through that and I thank all those that prayed through their various religions for him to beat this. It was so touching and heartwarming friends and strangers were praying for him. I’m getting choked up about it now again remembering. One more year and he will be considered cured and be placed in survivorship status and just monitor for side effects of the treatments. And if you are the praying type, I’ll take any prayers you wish to offer on his behalf to make sure he has no return of cancer or side effects. (I thank you in advance)

Work is work. Working remote three days a week, but that goes to two days starting next week and unless something changes, back to in the office fully in August, which I am not happy about. I like working remote. Anyway, still an assistant to a visually impaired woman (who I adore) but apparently my memory issues from a previous car accident make it difficult to remember all the nuances of information I have to remember to enter into the computers when entering plans for her. Bad review last quarter with the threat of letting me go if I cant get the knack of it. That, was a lot of stress for me. I kept it together during the day and when I got home I broke down to hubby who told me not to sweat it. If it comes to that, we’d be just fine. This is why I love this man…one of the many reasons anyway. If it comes to that, I am going to take this as a sign that office work is not my niche. I’ll figure something out. Its not great pay anyway, which you’d think with a state job it would be better. Maybe I’ll take the plunge and do my art fulltime. We shall see. Why can’t I just win the lottery?? This would solve a large portion of my problems. LOL!

We have done a lot of work on our yard. Hubby has gotten the terracing bug and working with stone creating walls and putting levels in our yard and a pond (not quite done yet). We have a larger garden this year. The smaller garden that we started with last year has peas, radishes, lettuce, carrots (which failed but for three, can’t figure out why either) and some stray tomatoes that came up from seeds that had fallen last year. The larger garden has about 8 tomato plants, corn, beans, a couple different kinds of peppers, basil and cilantro. We did ornamental gardening too. Planted a Bartlett pear tree, fig tree, 5 strawberry plants, Japanese kousa dogwood, vanilla/strawberry hydrangea, a couple more lilacs, four rose bushes, a blue rhododendron, another regular hydrangea and a climbing hydrangea near our one fence. I also scattered moon flower seeds around my yard to see how they come up, which probably won’t be till next year but here’s hoping they take in those dingy corners of the yard that have a lot of rock.

Health…gained weight. COVID was not kind and I, like everyone else, baked ALL THE BREAD! Worried about my current state of health I had all that special fasting bloodwork done and while one thing was slightly elevated (thank goodness that was all!), they just stated to make lifestyle changes and get more exercise. So…I’m doing just that. I’ve started doing more, watching what i eat, logging all that goes into my mouth and counting calories. I’m also working out in smaller time bits instead of one chunk of time. I am finding I’m doing more exercise that way and its less boring to do it in ten to fifteen minutes segments than 45 mins to an hour in one shot. I hate exercising. Boring as fuck to me so breaking it up and doing different things helps me still get movement in. One of the things I do is every time I go down to the basement to do a load of laundry, I jump on the bike for ten minutes. Usually gets me about two miles in that time.

Family life is great. Hubby and I couldn’t be happier. Still haven’t gotten our honeymoon yet (five years married this past May) but eventually we’ll save up the money to do it. I’d really like to revisit Italy especially since I just heard they are opening the tunnels under it for the first time for the public to view.

Still knitting socks. Cross stitching things too as that seems to have become a re-budding interest. SCA events are starting back up after over a year hiatus of them being canceled due to COVID. I went to a friend’s elevation for Chivalry a few weeks ago and it was glorious to be in garb again and hug friends I hadn’t seen in ages. The best comment a friend made as he approached me for a hug was “this is going to be awkward” because he planned on hugging long. I laughed, but not awkward at all and it made me so happy. Of course, about 2/3s of my garb was tight due to weight gain but there was a lot of laughter because EVERYONE was saying the same thing “this was the only thing that fit me”. No one cared. Everyone was laughing. Everyone was smiling. Everyone was happy. I missed that so much. I look forward to the normalcy again, which I know is still a ways off. But, its a start.

Alright..back to work. Ciao!

Adding Daily

Posted on by Jennifer GB

So two days ago, I tried to do a few push ups..on my knees of course. After two my neck said “No fucking way, Dude” and I stopped. Its good to listen to your body. It is also good to tell your body fuck you back, I’m doing push ups. So I went to the wall and did 10 push ups that way. I’d say I was at about a 45-50 degree angle while doing them. Felt it in my shoulders to my hips. Ok. Day one was ten. I woke up feeling ok from that (neck injury wise) so yesterday, I figured I would do 20. I broke them up, two sets of ten. This morning, still feeling good. Going to shoot for 30. I figure every time i get up and walk by the fireplace (which is where i do them) I stop and do a set of ten. One set done so far. Going to go sit down to breakfast and then after I’ll do another set and then off to Home Depot to get some house paint for a birdhouse Im painting.

More later. Toodles!

Accountability

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I’ve been unemployed for about three months now. I was injured on the job by faulty equipment and while on workman’s compensation, they “eliminated my position”. I herniated two disks in my neck and pulled muscles down my left shoulder and back. The injury occurred in June. Being injured, depressed and not able to do normal routine or exercises, I’ve gained weight. 20 some pounds to be exact. Now, I am a plus sized woman to start with, so this isn’t saying I was a size 10 and ballooned up. But I was doing a low carb diet (which seems to be the only thing that works for me because of my PCOS) and had lost a good chunk of weight. Once I was injured and not able to even walk more than a few feet before pain would kick in, depression also kicked in and I am unfortunately an emotional eater. Since it was hard to cook, I did take out. When I weighed myself this morning to get an idea, it said….well I am not comfortable listing it here yet. Needless to say its the heaviest I have ever been to date. I signed up with the Weight Watcher’s app a few days ago and started it today after my weigh in….at home. I’m way too embarrassed to go to a meeting right now. I’ve never found them to be much help anyway.

I know one of my issues with helping to shed the weight is exercise. I have some injuries that I have sustained over the years aside from this recent one (broken back in 1997 in a car crash to name another) that make it hard to do a lot. Also, i detest exercise. Maybe because my injuries started when I was in high school (knee injury in sports). I love swimming. Its the least painful exercise I have found so far and we have a small above ground pool but honestly, that is only usable from June to September. Money is tight so a membership to a gym with an indoor pool is not in the budget right now. What is a girl to do?

I love food. All the things I love are bad for me or I’m allergic to (recently found out I’m allergic to bread yeast, cinnamon and mushrooms. YEA!! WTF!!). I am open to suggestions. I have no desire to be a runway model or wear a skimpy bikini next summer. Let’s face it..I have two children and have the stretch marks to prove it. My stomach should not see the light of day again. I just want to wear non plus size clothing and like my body. As much as I try to be a body positive plus sized woman, right now it’s very hard. I give kudos to those women out there that do it and look damn good! I never seem to look that good. I just about cry when I see myself in my bathroom vanity mirror and let me tell you.. I dont even look in a full length mirror cause that just amps up the body dis-morphia and depression.

So I ask my few readers out there…What is a girl to do?

I am open to suggestions, sites, etc. Help a sister out!

Life..the Universe…Everything

Posted on by Jennifer GB

In theory, I love blogging and journaling.  Seems though life gets in the way a lot of times.  My life is wake at 6am, get the boys up and started for school while i get ready for work. Shuffle them off at 7 to their buses and then leave for work myself twenty five minutes later and get done at 3 (HA! yesterday I was there 3 hours longer than my shift), come home take care of the pooches, start dinner, normal house/life stuff and then by 8 o’clock i’m most likely falling asleep on the couch.  Its exhausting and by that point I have not picked up a pen to journal nor logged on to blog.  I have one of those “I Want to Do” lists that is a mile long but my motivation seems to have taken an extended vacation itself.  Add to that constant aches and pains all day long from wake to sleep. I wondered if I needed a new mattress but mine is only 6 years old and it’s a good model Beauty Rest.  My brain is making me wonder if I have the starting of fibromyalgia.  Googling symptoms shows a lot of what I feel. Course, every time I do that I am reminded of my Mother who use to have a set of Funk and Wagner (?) encyclopedias. They came with a medical set as well and she use to look up symptoms and get scared she had something terminal. At one point I think she was convinced she had a brain tumor and lupus, neither of which she did. I wake in the mornings and get out of bed and my knees hurt, my hips hurt, my back hurts. I thought after a goodly amount of sleep you were suppose to feel rested and recharged not broken and wanting to climb back into bed. Yea i know, meow, meow, meow. I’m probably just getting old. I’m just tired of being in pain all the time.  It seriously kills my motivation to do anything outside of being a couch potato.

Today is a trip to Westchester for my son’s one year cancer check scans. All prayers are appreciated that they are again, clear and unchanged.

 

 

Another page…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Wednesday I turned in my letter of resignation to the post office with the intent of my final day being Monday.  Unfortunately, the postal truck must have had a grudge against me and decided to give me an injury to my elbow today and the doc’s at the urgent care said it needs rest for at least a week and a brace to help. Tendinitis and elbow strain from the sliding truck door lock sticking. It’s disappointing to me because I don’t like not fulfilling my commitments but at the same time, I’m not entirely unhappy because I get to relax tomorrow and Sunday instead of be there before 7am and come home at 6pm, exhausted and stressed.  Had I held a career position that was full time with benefits, I would have fought through it all to stay.   I liked every person I worked with in the post office and have not one negative word to say about them. They were all very supportive, friendly and helpful. The postmaster stated I was well liked and would happily take me back if i were to apply again for a position with them.

My new employer is The UPS Store. The hours will be just about full time. Its an inside job not working in the weather. Benefits after a few months and never any hours on Sunday. I will work an occasional Saturday (one a month, maybe two) but the owner and manager both know about my SCA hobby and know I have teenage boys and they understand I need weekends on occasion. Most of my hours will be during the week.  This makes me happy. Ryan too.  This weekend I will get some gentle arting done.  Art that will minimize the arm lifting/bending.  Must remember to turn off my early bird weekend alarm….or delete it completely.

Just another page in my book of life…the rest is still unwritten. (yes, I quoted a song..no groaning.) 😉

 

Floundering…flop, flop

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Have you ever felt like you’re in a large room of people and things and you’re spinning around with no direction in mind…no one specific person to talk to…no idea what to do? Feel like a fish out of water and your flopping around wondering how to get back to the comfort and safety of the glistening life saving water?   That is what I have been feeling of late.  For a year and a half almost my focus was on my son and all that he needed to get well. Now he is well. Shortly after my last post in July, my old employer faked the business closing so he could lay me off with little guilt on his part. Needless to say the business is still open and he fessed up to the truth of it all to my husband and said he will always need him at the company and kept him. While I miss the stability of the job and spending the days with my husband I do not miss the stress of working for that man.  Since then, I have felt as I have described above. No direction. On a whim, I applied for a job with the post office as rural route carrier. Sent in my resume, passed the online assessments, went in for an in person assessment test and then was called in for an in person interview. When we interviewed, we were then told it was only guaranteed 1 day a week to cover the day off of the career carrier we were subbing for, which was Saturday or Monday. We were not considered career so we weren’t given benefits of any type.  We were also only allowed to work for them because if they called to have us come in other than that specified day off, we had to set them as a priority.  Everyone said this was a great opportunity, a foot in the door. So I said yes.  I went through all the training and started late October fully.  That’s when it went south but as much as I could go on, I wont. Needless to say, it isn’t anything i was told it would be. I don’t see or spend time with my family now because its every weekend and I come home exhausted and practically fall asleep on the couch at 7:30. I haven’t been to an SCA event since early October and unless I find other employment, won’t be at one for a couple months.  I have been searching the post office web site for different jobs to apply for but none are available that I want…or they are two hours away in the city.

I was watching Julie&Julia last night and realized that I felt a lot like Julie in the movie. So many things that I have wanted to do in my life, with my life and just…haven’t. I have a degree in Art and can’t find a thing to do with it for employment. I feel like I chose poorly when I decided on what to pursue for a degree.  I want to desperately work professionally as an embroideress but there are no jobs locally that I have found so far. I see these fabulous works that women make but those jobs seem to be over seas in England or Italy where the fashion trade originates from or where embroidery is still needed for museums and royalty. The Royal School of Needlework in England is a dream to visit..hell I would love to have attended there. Nothing here in po-dunk Port Ewen.  I did come to the decision last night that I was going to attempt to revive my joy of cooking that I once had by digging out my copy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking and trying my hand at a few recipes. I will not be killing myself and doing the whole book in a year as she did..I don’t have the budget for that, but a recipe once a week or every other week wouldn’t be bad.

I guess I’m in a rut. A deep one at that. I want to do it all but have no gumption to get up and start. Admittedly it’s been like this for a while. Everyone tells me I’m so strong but quite honestly I feel anything but strong. I feel weak and sad. Also scatterbrained and without focus or direction. What i want right now in life is to have a good job that pays fairly descent, that lets me have weekends with friends and family to do fun things and isn’t real stressful and doesnt cause my arthritis to flare up daily. Is that so much to ask? I have skills in so many areas and feel like they never quite seem to fit any one thing out there.  Dear powers that be….HELP!