Death Sucks

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Happy Birthday, Dad. Today you would have been 75 years old. It’s also two months to the day from when you passed. You were an amazing Dad and I miss you terribly. You taught me so much but there was so much more I wanted to learn. I love you so much…always will. I pray you are not in pain anymore and are happily playing with your pets that have passed and throwing back a few beers with your buddies already up there. Watch over us, Kyle thinks and hopes you are already. Drop by on occasion and say hi if you’re able.

I love you, Pop.

Summer has Faded

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I had started a post back at the beginning of July I never got to finish, which I deleted. It started with the pain I was in from bad weather rolling through the area kicking my osteoarthritis into high gear and making me crabby. Making me depressed about how my life and health has gone since I was hit by the tractor trailer in 1997. The following week after that post, my father died suddenly. Yea..previous post paled in comparison so, yea.

Dad went in for aortic aneurysm repair, which was successful. Took a little while longer because of his weight but it got done and all was good. But then his gout kicked up in his knees and the doctors do not like to let you take your gout medication if your healing from a surgery. This prevented him from getting up and moving around post op. After some time and due diligence on my Sister’s part for getting previous medical records from his last surgery at a different hospital, they put him back on the meds which got Dad up and walking around. He was not long after, transferred to the rehabilitation facility to rebuild strength in his legs. A few days after being there, they found he had developed pulmonary embolisms from not getting up right away after surgery. Off to the ER he is rushed where they promptly admitted him to the ICU and gave him Heparin to get rid of the clots. He was there a couple days under observation, then they sent him back to the rehab. Two days later, the nurse walked in at 5am and found him gone. One of the clots had gotten loose and caused his death. He went quickly, I was told. My mother called me at 5:30 in the morning crying and telling me as she was running across the field to the rehab facility (which was next door to their home). I stood there in shock. I had just video chatted with him the previous night trying to help him with his phone, through my mom’s phone. How could he be gone? I called my sister and when she picked up she just said “I just don’t know what to say”. I walked into my bedroom still numb, thinking this was a mistake, and woke my husband and told him what happened. He was blown away too not believing it. I waited until the kids woke and told them. My oldest took it the hardest. He talked to his Pop-Pop every day on FB messenger. My youngest just got quiet and I could see him internalizing. That’s his way. That was July 27th.

Since that time, I’ve cried a lot. I picked up the phone to call him the one day and was halfway through dialing when i realized what I was doing and I promptly broke down. I was at work. I am so grateful I have an understanding sympathetic boss. She found me in my office and hugged me while i sobbed. My sister has done pretty much the same. Lucky for her she’s a homemaker and can deal in the privacy of her own home. Same with Mom. Mom, went the other way. Got very suspicious that everyone just wanted to take things from her that were Dad’s. Its made things hard for my sister and I in dealing with her. I have suggested several times to seek therapy and grief counseling. She hasn’t listened so far.

Tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 75. Its also the two month anniversary of the day he passed. Tomorrow will be very hard for me. I am going to still go to work because I think keeping my mind busy will be better than staying home and wallowing. I’m sure the whole week will be hard. I thought I would have my dad for at least another decade. I miss him terribly. Its not fair. We were a lot alike and I loved laughing with him. I get choked up knowing I will never answer my phone and hear my greet me with “Hi Princess!”…his pet name for me. Why, I have no idea because I was the tom boy of the family, always scuffing my knee, breaking bones, etc.

I went to a good friends wedding Friday afternoon. The groom danced with his daughter because his mother could not attend because of an illness. Seeing him dance with her made me think back to the day of my first wedding where he danced to “Daddy’s little Girl” with me. He was crying but tried hiding it by putting his head on my shoulder, wiping his tears on my gown. I was going to pick “Wind beneath my Wings” for our dance but I know that would have really put him over the edge. I took pity, lol. Thinking about it is making me tear up now.

I’m sorry Dad, that I didn’t come down to visit more often. I’m sorry I didn’t call more often. I have regrets, which I can do nothing about now except let eat at me. I love you Dad and I miss you so, so much. I hope you are watching from above. I hope your dog, Buddy greeted you at the gate along with your friends that passed before you and that you’re all sitting around drinking a beer and catching up. You deserve it.

Ciao

“Save Money, Get Frustrated, Wal-mart”

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Walmart’s motto “Save money, live better..” doesn’t really hold up. My local store here in upstate NY gives me a headache sometimes and mixed emotions. On one hand, my son works there part time as a zoner in the toy department where he’s been for going on three years. He does his job well and they are good with him since he is autistic. Keeping the shelves neat and tidy fits right in with his condition. He’s paid pretty well for being part time (more than I make an hour which is sad because I work for the State) and he seems to really like it.

On the other hand when I order groceries through them to be delivered, its always hit or miss. Yesterday they delivered an order while I was at work and the kids were home. When I saw the order they left, I realized they’d left out a case of water and ALL the refrigerated items that were on my list. Its not that they were out of them, they just didn’t bring them. So I started calling the store at the local number last night to get some assistance with it figuring I could pick up the items. No one is picking up the phone in the store. Not in electronics, not in deli, not in customer services and of course, not in Pick up/delivery. Now, pharmacy answered and they transferred me to customer service where it rang for five minutes straight and then went to a fast busy signal. I’ve been calling through the morning, since last night, and still no one is answering any of the phones in the store. I ended up doing the “missing items” refund request through the Walmart app on my phone. The total of missing items was $98. Needless to say their customer service sucks balls. Id go elsewhere but I’m not miss money bags and the other grocery stores in the area are more expensive. Delivery is easier because of the hours I work and saves me money because I’m not impulse buying when in the store and usually hungry when I shop (so, so bad). That’s my gripe for right now through I could write about my whiny spouse and him getting upset because one kid has another cold and how he’ll get it for sure, and has only been healthy for about a week in the last three months and how frustrated he is and how he threw a tantrum and went to bed before 8pm last night…but…..well I just did, LOL!

Seriously, I need a week by myself on a warm and sunny beach in Positano Italy with the smell of Amalfi lemons wafting through the air. Someone please get that for me as a present.

Anyway, back to the old grind.

Ciao!

Fuck Cancer

Posted on by Jennifer GB

After a real shit night of sleep, I get the news this morning that my friend and mentor that has been battling colon cancer that metastasized to his liver just found out they have four spots in their lungs…after a year of various treatments and surgeries. I. Am. Crushed. Trying very hard not to weep at work and grateful I have an office to hide in if I can’t keep the tears in check. My friend said she guesses they have maybe a year left. He’s been like a father figure for me and always there when I needed someone. He’s taught me a lot over the years and my heart is breaking he couldn’t get rid of it.

Im not sure if you’ve been here from the start but I began this blog when my oldest son was diagnosed with a rare kids cancer in 2016. After a year of a tough treatment regimen, he has been clear for five years and when he had his final scan in June, he was declared “cured” and now in survivorship status. He turns 21 in August.

So when I say any friend that has to deal with cancer just hits me hard. My friend is 75 and seems in good spirits I’m told but right now, I am not. I really just want to leave work and go home and drown myself in wine and chocolate. I plan on spending as much time as I possibly can with him over the next year and to the end. This is not the way I wanted to start my long weekend.

Alright. Time to at least LOOK like I’m working. Ciao.

It’s Only Wednesday..

Posted on by Jennifer GB

…and the week is dragging. I so do not want to be at work today and am anxious for the three day weekend to get here. Work is normal…as normal as it could be. Its the busy season with graduations and college enrollments so we have to help out the students with that. Should slow down soon. I need to find a job within a school so I get more holidays off as well as summers and finish at 3pm. This 9-5 stuff is for the birds, LOL! I need to play the lottery and win. Id quit my job, pursue my hobbies and fix up my home with the renovations I am dreaming of doing. But, this is the dream of a lot of people I’m sure.

When I walked into work this morning, it felt like I was only here an hour ago instead of 15 hours ago. When you think about it, I am at work more hours in a day then I am awake hours in my home. I wake at 5:30am and putter around the house, make coffee, eat breakfast that hubby makes me (yes every morning, and Yes I know I am blessed) and get ready for work. Then I maybe do laundry, putter around on World of Warcraft a bit and then leave for work at 8am. I work till five and am home by 5:30 and because I’m old (hit 50 on the 19th of May) I’m usually in bed by 9:30. So, calculate that: 4 hours in the evening + 3.5 in the morning = 7.5 hours I am awake in my own home during the work week. In that time I have to squeeze in house work and chores like, laundry, dishes, cleaning bathrooms, playing with the corgis, etc. I hear in Italy they take two hour lunches each day. I only get half an hour for lunch at my job…and I work for the State! I keep trying to convince my husband to move the family it Italy. He said “the government is so corrupt there”….and ours isn’t?? LOL, in my opinion the food and the history and scenery of the country is worth it. Plus, free healthcare.

Well after ten years I finally got myself a new computer. I was going to build one but hubby found one with a video card that was almost equal to the price of the whole computer and when I did the math, was cheaper with that card then building a new one and using my old video card. So I am now the proud owner of an Alienware Aurora R10 Gaming desktop. Its so QUIET!! My old computer sounded like a hoover vacuum cleaner. I love it. Windows 11 is on it and it looks like they are trying to mimic what a MacBook Pro looks like with the icons in the middle of the bar at the base. Took a little getting use to but I love it. I am even getting into streaming at the encouragement of my youngest, who is streaming his games himself. I made a twitch name: Garavana. In case your interested at all. LOL! He has me learning how to make videos of what I stream/record. Wants me to make a YouTube channel. He’s hilarious. Like anyone would want to watch a 50 year old woman play World of Warcraft! I suppose if it makes me a little bit of money down the road its better than, IDK, trying to sell pictures of my feet? ROFLMAO!

I am starting a new page on WordPress for my arts and crafts. Its an update from my old blog on BlogSpot which is about 12 years old. (old blog: https://theembroideress.blogspot.com/ ) Going to continue it on this new WordPress page, which is still under construction: https://astheneedlepasses.com/ Just have to make it look a little bit nicer. If I could import the old blog I would but I am not that tech savvy when it comes to web sites.

Alright, should get back to work, break over.

Ciao!

WTF IS GOING ON!?!?

Posted on by Jennifer GB

There are so many things going on in the world right now between the war in Ukraine, COVID cases spiking again, people not wanting to work and so many businesses are closing because of it. A month or so ago a local diner that was our favorite Friday night take out place closed because he couldn’t get people to work there and the cost of food for the restaurant was just getting too high. When he announced it, business boomed. The place was always filled and it was hard to get an order.  They day they closed, they were nice enough to give my son a t-shirt with the store logo on it. I think he was upset the most when they closed.  To a special needs kid, change can be catastrophic, and it did make him cry, which he rarely does.

Gas prices are soaring because oil companies are greedy bastards. Democrats are trying to pass a bill against gas price gouging but from what I’ve heard, all republicans voted against it, which is not surprising because the owner of the oil companies are primarily republicans, and they certainly don’t want to give up any chance to pad their bank accounts further. 

And now another mass shooting at an elementary school in Texas with 21 dead. I just cant. Why does this keep happening here? Why must they resort to killing children or anyone for that matter because of what they are feeling?! How does taking someone elses life….innocent lives…help!?! Its depressing, so very, very depressing. My heart hurts for the families that lost their loved ones yesterday. It scares me too because I still have one kid in school. They sent a notice out last night that they were upping security even though there is no threat to his school. I always tell him to hide, don’t be seen or if you can safely get out and away from the school to do that but not to take any chance at all of being hurt.  I tell my older son who works at a Walmart to do the same thing. Ive told him ways he can get out of the building from the department he works in without hopefully being seen. They give them mandatory videos to watch for “Active Shooters” that he was to watch quarterly.  This shit didn’t happen when I was a kid.

Things have to change. Things have to get better.  With everything going on, it makes me consider moving to another country. Italy is my first choice.

Anyway..I gotta work.  Promise ill try to be more uplifting and positive in my next post.

Ciao!

Hitting the C2 Mark

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Fifty. 5-0. I turned 50 years old a couple days ago. It’s a milestone. A big one! Though it kind of bothered me a little in the sense of feeling my mortality a little more, but I still wanted to celebrate it..and no one did (I know, sound like a whiny 12 year old kid). My husband gave me a card and bought a key lime pie (I like but its his favorite) but that was it. No candles, no gifts or cards from my kids, no party, nothing. We went out to dinner at a new Mexican restaurant that opened. It was ok food. The mariachi band was quite good but loud so conversation was pretty much out.   I came into work this morning thinking my coworkers would have done something while I was off because it’s what I do to their spaces when its their birthdays (put up balloons, streamers and sprinkle glitter all over the place, card and a gift), but nothing was done except for piles of work on my desk for when I got back.  My boss did give me a card and a Dunkin gift card last Thursday from herself which I hugged her for. I adore her.

So I am back to work today and am depressed. I don’t want to be here. I loved being home. I hate coming in here. It’s a job and the benefits are good but the pay sucks. My kid that works at Walmart is making more money than I am and I work for the State Education department. I think I will start looking at county jobs as they tend to pay more, have more time off and the benefits are about the same. State jobs are…not as good as they are made out to be that’s for certain.

Kids are doing well. The pool is open and I floated around in the sun yesterday for an hour and it was glorious. This is my season.  Will write more later in detail but work calls.

Cheers!

How is it almost July already?!

Posted on by Jennifer GB

2021 has been crazy but not nearly as bad as 2020 was. So, to catch up my readers (all, like 5 of you, LOL) my entire family has been fully vaccinated. My boys went to school virtually the entire year because I sure as hell didn’t want to expose my oldest. who has thus far had clean scans from his cancer four years ago, to COVID. While I would say virtual learning wasn’t better than being in school, the two of them past with only one (my youngest) failing math that requires four weeks in summer school to make up. I’m not chastising him too much because, well, I sucked horrifically at math in high school so, I get it. My oldest graduated high school this year. (OMFG WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE!!??) A week before graduation, they lifted the two tickets per student limit for graduation and opened it to anyone and everyone and made it one big NORMAL graduation ceremony with kids sitting next to one another and no “6 feet apart” (of course masks if you hadn’t been vaccinated). I cried. A lot. My sister and Mom…cried..a lot. He is so happy and proud and went around showing everyone his class ring. Have you ever seen that commercial of the mother watching her son grow up and stating through each scene “if he xxx, it’ll be a miracle” and at the end of it he’s graduating high school and she says, with a tear in her eye “its a miracle”.. Yea. I said that. I live streamed his graduation for those that couldn’t be there and you can probably hear me say that on it, LOL! Five years ago when he was diagnosed with cancer I was fearful I would not see this day. I’m not overly religious but I thank God everyday that he has come through that and I thank all those that prayed through their various religions for him to beat this. It was so touching and heartwarming friends and strangers were praying for him. I’m getting choked up about it now again remembering. One more year and he will be considered cured and be placed in survivorship status and just monitor for side effects of the treatments. And if you are the praying type, I’ll take any prayers you wish to offer on his behalf to make sure he has no return of cancer or side effects. (I thank you in advance)

Work is work. Working remote three days a week, but that goes to two days starting next week and unless something changes, back to in the office fully in August, which I am not happy about. I like working remote. Anyway, still an assistant to a visually impaired woman (who I adore) but apparently my memory issues from a previous car accident make it difficult to remember all the nuances of information I have to remember to enter into the computers when entering plans for her. Bad review last quarter with the threat of letting me go if I cant get the knack of it. That, was a lot of stress for me. I kept it together during the day and when I got home I broke down to hubby who told me not to sweat it. If it comes to that, we’d be just fine. This is why I love this man…one of the many reasons anyway. If it comes to that, I am going to take this as a sign that office work is not my niche. I’ll figure something out. Its not great pay anyway, which you’d think with a state job it would be better. Maybe I’ll take the plunge and do my art fulltime. We shall see. Why can’t I just win the lottery?? This would solve a large portion of my problems. LOL!

We have done a lot of work on our yard. Hubby has gotten the terracing bug and working with stone creating walls and putting levels in our yard and a pond (not quite done yet). We have a larger garden this year. The smaller garden that we started with last year has peas, radishes, lettuce, carrots (which failed but for three, can’t figure out why either) and some stray tomatoes that came up from seeds that had fallen last year. The larger garden has about 8 tomato plants, corn, beans, a couple different kinds of peppers, basil and cilantro. We did ornamental gardening too. Planted a Bartlett pear tree, fig tree, 5 strawberry plants, Japanese kousa dogwood, vanilla/strawberry hydrangea, a couple more lilacs, four rose bushes, a blue rhododendron, another regular hydrangea and a climbing hydrangea near our one fence. I also scattered moon flower seeds around my yard to see how they come up, which probably won’t be till next year but here’s hoping they take in those dingy corners of the yard that have a lot of rock.

Health…gained weight. COVID was not kind and I, like everyone else, baked ALL THE BREAD! Worried about my current state of health I had all that special fasting bloodwork done and while one thing was slightly elevated (thank goodness that was all!), they just stated to make lifestyle changes and get more exercise. So…I’m doing just that. I’ve started doing more, watching what i eat, logging all that goes into my mouth and counting calories. I’m also working out in smaller time bits instead of one chunk of time. I am finding I’m doing more exercise that way and its less boring to do it in ten to fifteen minutes segments than 45 mins to an hour in one shot. I hate exercising. Boring as fuck to me so breaking it up and doing different things helps me still get movement in. One of the things I do is every time I go down to the basement to do a load of laundry, I jump on the bike for ten minutes. Usually gets me about two miles in that time.

Family life is great. Hubby and I couldn’t be happier. Still haven’t gotten our honeymoon yet (five years married this past May) but eventually we’ll save up the money to do it. I’d really like to revisit Italy especially since I just heard they are opening the tunnels under it for the first time for the public to view.

Still knitting socks. Cross stitching things too as that seems to have become a re-budding interest. SCA events are starting back up after over a year hiatus of them being canceled due to COVID. I went to a friend’s elevation for Chivalry a few weeks ago and it was glorious to be in garb again and hug friends I hadn’t seen in ages. The best comment a friend made as he approached me for a hug was “this is going to be awkward” because he planned on hugging long. I laughed, but not awkward at all and it made me so happy. Of course, about 2/3s of my garb was tight due to weight gain but there was a lot of laughter because EVERYONE was saying the same thing “this was the only thing that fit me”. No one cared. Everyone was laughing. Everyone was smiling. Everyone was happy. I missed that so much. I look forward to the normalcy again, which I know is still a ways off. But, its a start.

Alright..back to work. Ciao!

Venty McVentorson I am

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Seriously. Its not that hard. If you know a holiday means something special for someone and you love that someone, honor it for them. Even in the most trivial way. Valentines day. Im a huge fan and yes I know that its totally made up and not a real holiday. But I am a die hard romantic and i love it. I love flowers, cards, the whole lot of it. I buy candy and or cards for the whole family. Im not saying you have to spend hundreds of dollars or even 10 dollars if things arent good financially.Or can’t get out due to covid or transportation, etc. Hell, write me a little poem and Id be happy. But..nothing happened yesterday. Not from one single family member. It makes me wonder why do i bother to make it special for them when obviously its not. I should be use to this. Considering the ex wasnt much into this either. How do i keep ending up with the most unromantic people?

Like I said..just venting. Day is done. Another year come and gone. Next year..expectations will surely be zero. If you dont expect anything, you wont be disappointed right?

Fuck em. Ill go buy my own damn flowers and candy. Its now half off anyway.

Advice for the un-asking populace of small people that actually glance at my blog: if a holiday means something for the one you care about, make an effort. No matter how small an effort it is, make that effort. This way it wont make them feel like they don’t matter in the scheme of things….like I feel.

Random Blog title #1

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I never know what to title these things. My entries tend to run through a rainbow of subject matter.

Right! So yesterday when I went out to drive my son to work, through on the standard issue New York State winter attire and stepped outside. I immediately started to sweat. It was 60 degrees outside. In December!! Dropped him off and came back and decided I could not waste this beautiful day and decided to go for a walk. Tried to convince family members to join me but they were too engulfed in their MMORPG and said no. I walked to the park in my neighborhood and circled the baseball field three times then walked back home. I stopped for about 1 min at each rotation to rest the low back which wasn’t screaming but it was making itself known. I listened to a book on Audible app on my phone and I kept a slightly faster than normal walking pace. I got my heart rate up, didn’t have trouble breathing nor did it trigger my asthma. I was about for about forty minutes I would say. It felt great. I feel like after all these months being cooped up or out wearing masks that I had fresh air in my lungs. (mind you I had a mask handy but no one was in the park so I was safe to keep it down) Later when sitting home I felt better. A little more invigorated. I did about 5400 steps by bedtime. I know..its not 10K but you can’t go from a desk job with no exercise to walking or running 5 miles a day. I’m taking it slow. My weight loss goal is not for a year and a half. I want it to be slow so I don’t boomerang back up. I want this to be for the rest of my life. I want this to last and be the norm from now on.

When I was walking yesterday, listening to my book (World of Warcraft: War Crimes by Christie Golden) I suddenly realized that all the things I do that I enjoy: knitting, embroidering, gaming, etc, feed my mind. It never occurred to me to feed my body what it needs to: movement and exercise. Yea, I’m 48 years old and I don’t know why this JUST occurred to me. It really was a sort of epiphany for me. I’m sure others have come upon this ages ago but I suppose my mind was just on other things. I am going to make sure I do something each day. Walking, biking, belly dancing..who knows. Maybe I’ll just scroll Youtube and pick something and give it a try. Lord knows there are so many things on there. (I totally understand why neither of my children are very interested in television now. ) So, it’s suppose to be quite chilly today. I think I will browse Youtube and see what I can come up with.

Oh yea, did 20 wall push ups yesterday too. Shooting for same number today..maybe 25.

Alright..back to my coffee and porch time with hubby till he goes to work.

Ciao!