Finding Me…Again

It’s nearly 6am as i look out windows with condensation running down them, at the ocean about 500 yards away from where I am sitting, in the “first floor” apartment in Ocean City, NJ that my Mom rented for the week. Hubby, my sons, and my niece and nephew are all here with her. Its quiet and I’m listening to a book by Nora Roberts. It’s peaceful and just what I needed.

I don’t know why I woke this morning with an urge to blog. It’s been nearly a year from what I noticed the date was on my last posting. Nearly a year to the day. Maybe it had to do with the book I was listening to with the main character starting a blog after coming into money her Mother had kept hidden from her and she essentially told her Mother to fuck off and went on a three month trip to Ireland where her Father is from. In any case, I find myself at the keyboard drinking coffee i just brewed in the coffee pot, classical music playing in my headset and my nephew sitting on the couch looking at this phone. He’s an early bird too.

I can see the ocean at the horizon in this apartment? Not sure what you would call it exactly. Maybe a loft. The view of the ocean is partially blocked by a tree and some bushes but its still visible, all its calm grey blue color. I’m not seeing any whitecaps so I’m assuming its calm. The boardwalk is in front of the bushes and tree and I’m seeing a steady stream of joggers and a few walkers getting their morning exercise in. Kudos to them. Maybe if I lived down here with the ocean to my side and the salt air in my lungs, I’d be more encouraged to exercise. Maybe. Claire de Lune just keyed up in the playlist. Seems very apropos for the view.

It has been a year to say the least. I’ve completed my first year of my Master’s degree program. The summer session is killing me. 15 weeks crammed into 10 is too hard with all I do. And who’s bright idea was it to make statistics one of them?! Whom ever it was is truly evil and I hope they stub their toe for it. Two weeks left till its done then a whopping three weeks off till the fall semester starts. Straight A’s so far, but I fear Stats class will break that streak. As long as its a B, I’ll be happy.

While I didn’t come into money like the character in the book I’m listening to, my mother was very generous and paid off our mortgage, which was a big surprise. It’s unreal the weight that was lifted off our collective shoulders. Both cars are paid off this summer as well. I plan on saving as much as possible for retirement.

Ove the last year I’ve had a lot happen and a lot of it was really good. I started grad school of course, to be a rehabilitation counselor. I have a year of schooling left, then a year of internship, which I can hopefully do where I currently work. As a student in the rehabilitation counseling program, I could apply to be a counselor at my office, however I would be a trainee until I graduated. A position became available, I applied and they chose to hire someone from outside of the department citing I needed more experience. They brought in someone who worked at CPS and other than having a caseload of her own at her previous position, has no experience with the case management software, the services we provide, etc. I however, have worked in the field for six years…yet…I didn’t have enough experience. The entire office was sure I’d get it. I came to the conclusion that I was not chosen because the office would then be left without a counselor assistant that knew how to do everything. There is another in our office but, lets just say she is lacking in…. a lot. Enough of the other assistants complained about her. When they didn’t give me the position, I was unhappy about it. I may have taken two days off to go to a spa. When i came back, they’d switched all the counselors around and gave the ones complaining about her, to me and took away the one toxic counselor I was forced to work with. I think they feared I’d come back and turn in my notice, LOL! I thought about it. Thought about quitting grad school, etc. but honestly, its a free master’s degree so just finish it and use it in another career or position. A lot of people were happy to have me as their assistant and the stress levels of working with four over who I had before are much lower. And they were wise enough not to assign the newly hired counselor to me. That would be throwing it in my face that they didn’t give the position to me. I would have complained about that.

I went on my first cruise with a friend to Florida and the Bahamas. I had a wonderful time. It was a blast. I feared Id get seasick and had all the types of meds to combat it and ended up not needing them. Oasis of the Sea is the ship we cruised on. I highly recommend Royal Caribbean. I am hooked and am planning on taking the family on a cruise in the near future.

My youngest is in college for cyber security and doing well and working at Tractor Supply. My oldest is hitting 7 years working at Walmart. My husband is still working as a contractor and building or fixing everyone else’s project except ours (I’ve been living without a dishwasher for about a year now cause he hasn’t gotten around to running the pipes for the new one we have). The three fur balls are still doing well and shedding everywhere. Life is pretty good.

I don’t participate much in the SCA anymore. I burned out embroidering tons of stuff for friends that were King and queen, then someone I called a friend badmouthed me and my embroidering skills in a forum where I was being considered for an award and thus was not accepted. 29 years of working towards it, striving for it and being turned down just killed any desire to participate anymore. I’ve been a member since 1992 when I was 20. I’m 54 now and find that I feel more joy in staying around my home on the weekends, spending time with my family and doing hobbies there then dressing up, toting a bunch of stuff and driving hours away to a site. Swimming in my pool, gardening, watching shows in the evening, knitting, playing World of Warcraft, junk journaling and visiting friends brings me more happiness. Maybe its time to move on from that. Not end it entirely but not make it most of my focus as a hobby. You know?

Well, family is itching to get out on the boardwalk so I best log and get dressed. It is my hope to keep up on this and blog more often. Until later, Ciao!

“Save Money, Get Frustrated, Wal-mart”

Walmart’s motto “Save money, live better..” doesn’t really hold up. My local store here in upstate NY gives me a headache sometimes and mixed emotions. On one hand, my son works there part time as a zoner in the toy department where he’s been for going on three years. He does his job well and they are good with him since he is autistic. Keeping the shelves neat and tidy fits right in with his condition. He’s paid pretty well for being part time (more than I make an hour which is sad because I work for the State) and he seems to really like it.

On the other hand when I order groceries through them to be delivered, its always hit or miss. Yesterday they delivered an order while I was at work and the kids were home. When I saw the order they left, I realized they’d left out a case of water and ALL the refrigerated items that were on my list. Its not that they were out of them, they just didn’t bring them. So I started calling the store at the local number last night to get some assistance with it figuring I could pick up the items. No one is picking up the phone in the store. Not in electronics, not in deli, not in customer services and of course, not in Pick up/delivery. Now, pharmacy answered and they transferred me to customer service where it rang for five minutes straight and then went to a fast busy signal. I’ve been calling through the morning, since last night, and still no one is answering any of the phones in the store. I ended up doing the “missing items” refund request through the Walmart app on my phone. The total of missing items was $98. Needless to say their customer service sucks balls. Id go elsewhere but I’m not miss money bags and the other grocery stores in the area are more expensive. Delivery is easier because of the hours I work and saves me money because I’m not impulse buying when in the store and usually hungry when I shop (so, so bad). That’s my gripe for right now through I could write about my whiny spouse and him getting upset because one kid has another cold and how he’ll get it for sure, and has only been healthy for about a week in the last three months and how frustrated he is and how he threw a tantrum and went to bed before 8pm last night…but…..well I just did, LOL!

Seriously, I need a week by myself on a warm and sunny beach in Positano Italy with the smell of Amalfi lemons wafting through the air. Someone please get that for me as a present.

Anyway, back to the old grind.

Ciao!

Exhaustion, Depression and Stress..OH MY!

I opened Facebook this morning and saw a stunning picture of friends in front of glorious scenery on their vacation abroad and while I was so happy for them that they saw such wondrous views and had these fabulous experiences and OH MY GLOB that waterfall was just breathtaking….I burst into tears.  Not really the reaction I was expecting to come from myself. Quite shocking actually. Admittedly, I was envious of them. I adore them completely, I have no ill feelings in even the slightest towards them and their various trips they take I live vicariously through their pictures grinning from ear to ear and vowing I will go there someday, but I am envious.  I am finding a lot of late, that i am envious of what everyone is doing, the lives their living. They are living…..LIVING!! I feel like I am barely surviving each day and each day it is a struggle to do that.

The old saying that goes something along the lines of three steps forward, two steps back (or however it goes) I think is going to be my new mantra. When I feel like I get a handle on things, something trips me up or shoves me back a bit. This morning started with challenges (like waking at 3 am and not getting back to sleep) and try as I might to not let it set my mood for the day, it did.  It started with something as small as my son not brushing his teeth…for several days because he never unpacked his overnight bag from a sleep over. I mean..come on!! Yea, I know..he’s 12 and I should know better. I guess I underestimate my kids in hoping they will do basic hygiene every day without me having to remind them to do it. *smacks forehead* How silly of me!  Lesson learned: 12 year old boys don’t care nor think about these things. (Note to self: Start taping reminder notes to their mirrors and computer screens) I became very angry over this situation. Probably more so than I should have. I yelled. He cringed. The puppy cowered. I stormed out to go to work feeling like worse Mom in the world.

Now, today was to be the first therapy appointments for he and I. Being majorly stressed at all that has happened and is happening in our lives of late, I was very much looking forward to it. I should have known that it wouldn’t be that easy, it never seems to be in my life.  Mind you, i worked for a couple weeks with a case worker through my insurance company to find the right therapist that would fit for both my son and I. They took my insurance as well.  This morning at 8:30, the therapy office called to tell me my son’s insurance was canceled at the end of January and they couldn’t find me in the system. I felt my heart skip and start to beat faster and I think my eye even started to twitch a little.  After a call to the insurance company to verify we were still there and active, which we were, I called the office back. It was then they said they did find us, but, as it turns out, they don’t take the plan type that we have with said insurance company. However, they could set up a private pay price so that I could keep the appointment.  At this point I can now feel my pulse in my neck and temples and the angry tears started brimming in my eyes and I believe the next words I said were “Are you fucking kidding me!?” came out of my mouth and the lady uttered an oh my seemingly shocked to her foundations that I had the audacity to swear. Can someone please tell me why these offices can not check out the insurance eligibility prior to the few hours before the appointment?!  I promptly told her to cancel the appointments as I would not be keeping them since they didn’t take our policy and I certainly don’t have the funds to pay for their “private pay” fee.   Weeks communicating with a case worker named Johanna at our insurance company via email and phone calls and she couldn’t even tell that this place didn’t take my plan type?! Isn’t that this case worker’s job? To confirm these little details before saying Go ahead and make an appointment?  I called the insurance company back yet again and well, she couldn’t answer my call right now and would get back to me.  Right after that, the hospital calls to say I have to come back down (after I just left there yesterday afternoon from being there this whole weekend) so that they can train me on how to run a pump for an NG tube for feedings.  I was there..for four days, and not once could they have shown me this while I was there and they were doing them? After being told earlier that a visiting nurse would come teach me at my home, I am now told I HAVE to come back down and do a 3 hour drive because they do not trust outside visiting nurses. There is now a red haze on the edges of my vision.

I feel utterly beaten down, deflated and broken. Thankfully I am at work alone right now because I sat at my desk here and bawled in complete frustration and anger for quite some time. When that happens, the mind wanders through the strangest things and you reflect on a hundred things that have nothing to do with the insurance company but only further you’re growing depression over the situation and what life has thrown at you. My brain decided to reflect on my missed vacations due to health reasons with my husband last year..then this year with my oldest son’s..not to mention caused us to post pone our wedding and cancel a honeymoon all together. It reminds me of how poorly I feel i am handling my life right now which consists of work, trying to maintain the house and the rotating hospital stays for treatment or pop up fevers and try to raise another child who is also dealing with the stresses of a sibling with a major illness and acting out accordingly. Oh yea..and a puppy who seems to be have an endless amount of poop and always has accidents no matter how many times we take him outside to do his business. He reminds me of one of those play-doh extrusion toys!   In one end and out the other almost immediately! My brain decided to remind me of just how much life I was missing and all the fun I was not having. All the life we are not living.  I feel like the most selfish person in the world right now. I feel like I should be able to push all this aside and be that good strong person and focus entirely on his treatment and be that positive, uplifting supermom i should be. I am not. I feel like a failure on top of the extreme selfishness.

I know..this isn’t forever. I have had multiple people state that to me to try to help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. FYI: It doesn’t help.  I know that when he is cured and back to his old self this will be something to reflect on as a struggle we got through and move in with our life.  But that time is not here yet. There are still months ahead of us in going through his treatment to reach that end goal. Hard, tough, stressful, painful months. We are barely half way in all this and I pray I can make it all the way through mentally and hell..even physically. I am trying to take it one day at a time so as not to feel overwhelmed, which is a monstrous feet in of itself. I have a feeling I will end up on some type of anxiety/stress medication and almost definitely something for blood pressure before the end of all this. I am fried.

I did warn you at the creation of this blog it wasn’t going to be all rainbows and unicorns and sunflowers, right? Right?!