Being Oblivious

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I try to walk through this world making as little waves as possible. I have always put others happiness before my own. So when someone I care about told me they hold resentments towards me, let me tell you it shook me to my core. I was rendered speechless. How do you deal with that? What did I do? How do I fix it? Can I even fix it? I’m sitting here wondering what I’d done to form resentment and I can only come up with my kids. I’ve been told I’m a helicopter mom. I put their needs before my own. I am too lenient with them. I don’t push them enough and maybe their right. One kid has survived cancer and let me tell you watching your child go through that when all I wanted to do was to be able to take that away from him so he wasn’t in pain, weak, sick, struggling…it changes you. It makes you paranoid over the second child and what could happen to him. Maybe I have let them get away with more than I should have and protecting them has always come first. I need to get past that I suppose. I know even I feel I’ve let my youngest get away with not growing up for lack of a better word. Maybe it will bite me in the ass when I am pushing him more, which I am doing. But, never, never did I think it would cause someone to resent me. How does one handle being told that?! I feel I am naive in all this. I feel like a bloody idiot.

It is now I realize I need to find a therapist to speak with. I can’t deal with everything on my own and that my mental health needs to come first. I feel like I have years worth of issues I need to deal with. Taking that first step is the hardest and scariest.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” – Dao De Jing

WTF IS GOING ON!?!?

Posted on by Jennifer GB

There are so many things going on in the world right now between the war in Ukraine, COVID cases spiking again, people not wanting to work and so many businesses are closing because of it. A month or so ago a local diner that was our favorite Friday night take out place closed because he couldn’t get people to work there and the cost of food for the restaurant was just getting too high. When he announced it, business boomed. The place was always filled and it was hard to get an order.  They day they closed, they were nice enough to give my son a t-shirt with the store logo on it. I think he was upset the most when they closed.  To a special needs kid, change can be catastrophic, and it did make him cry, which he rarely does.

Gas prices are soaring because oil companies are greedy bastards. Democrats are trying to pass a bill against gas price gouging but from what I’ve heard, all republicans voted against it, which is not surprising because the owner of the oil companies are primarily republicans, and they certainly don’t want to give up any chance to pad their bank accounts further. 

And now another mass shooting at an elementary school in Texas with 21 dead. I just cant. Why does this keep happening here? Why must they resort to killing children or anyone for that matter because of what they are feeling?! How does taking someone elses life….innocent lives…help!?! Its depressing, so very, very depressing. My heart hurts for the families that lost their loved ones yesterday. It scares me too because I still have one kid in school. They sent a notice out last night that they were upping security even though there is no threat to his school. I always tell him to hide, don’t be seen or if you can safely get out and away from the school to do that but not to take any chance at all of being hurt.  I tell my older son who works at a Walmart to do the same thing. Ive told him ways he can get out of the building from the department he works in without hopefully being seen. They give them mandatory videos to watch for “Active Shooters” that he was to watch quarterly.  This shit didn’t happen when I was a kid.

Things have to change. Things have to get better.  With everything going on, it makes me consider moving to another country. Italy is my first choice.

Anyway..I gotta work.  Promise ill try to be more uplifting and positive in my next post.

Ciao!

If Wishes Were Horses…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I would consider myself a lucky person.  I have a pretty good life that honestly, I can’t complain about. I have a good husband who loves me dearly. I have two healthy teenage boys that do pretty well in school and have a descent head on their shoulders and 3 crazy fur babies that I love 98% of the time (not counting when they chew brand new converse sneakers or jump on my knitting needles causing $3500.00 in vet bills to save his hyperactive ass).   I have a good job that, while boring, pays well and isn’t too difficult or stressful to perform. The people here are nice and we even have an office dog that comes in a few times a week. Would I like to be doing something differently for my 9-5? Hell yes but this is what I’ve got for now. A lot of people don’t even have this so..again..I have nothing to complain about.  My own health is pretty good minus needing to lose some weight.  I’m working on that (60 more to go). I have family that loves me, both blood and chosen family and would step up and help should we truly need it. I am not wanting for anything.

That all being said, I have wishes. OHMYGAWD I want to win the lottery.  1.2 billion dollars is a helluva lot of money.  Like most people in this world, I have the “list” of things I would do should I ever win the lottery. My debts (not terribly much but slightly more now because of said crazy corgi of mine) are as such that a 2 million dollar win would cover me and mine completely with lots left over to invest and keep us comfortable. But 1.2 billion!?!  I have a large list of people I would help. I would give money back to the charities that helped us when my son was going through his treatments.  Friends of Karen were such a good support to us between funds to help with extra bills, gas/tolls reimbursement hell they even helped us with Thanksgiving dinner for two years. Back to school supplies too. One of the kindest charities I have seen and been a recipient of Id give them a bunch of money for certain. I have a friend that seriously needs a new house. My sister needs all kinds of repairs after her neighbors house blew up and damaged the hell out of hers back in August.  My help the friends and loved ones list is descent sized.

There is of course my list, which isn’t that grand. The usual..pay off the house, the tiny amount of debt we have, get my dream tripped out minivan (Yes I said Minivan!!! no judging!!), do the home renovations we want done, maybe a little traveling, set up funds for the boys and then invest the rest.  Would I still work? Id probably take some time off but then I would open up the store I’ve dreamed about.  Specialty knitting and embroidery supplies that has a place to sit and stitch/knit. Id also have a tiny cooler case with pastries made by my friend and have a coffee maker too. There’s a similar store in a neighboring town but it only has knitting supplies. I am allowed to dream.

So anyway, last night I took a chance and bought a couple tickets. I wasn’t going to but a family member that is out of town asked if I would pick up a couple for them and i got a couple for us. Maybe one of us will get lucky!

 

Pursuit of Happiness..

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Happy. A word I have not used very often in the last several months.  I have been stressed, worried, sleep deprived, lonely and isolated at times and also spread very thin like so much butter on toast. My life became working, doing what I had to in order to keep the household going and my self care became secondary. I said “fuck it” to my diet and medication towards it and I know I have gained some of the weight I lost back in comfort eating (OM NOM NOM KRUSTY BREAD AND BROWNIES). I have not knit in weeks having finished my last project and buckled down to finish a committed embroidery project for the kingdom (SCA, FYI) which I did enjoy and looked great in my opinion. Most everything I did was what I HAD to do. Obligations I needed to fulfill. Happiness was fleeting and yes, I had brief moments of it, like when my son went a day or so without stomach illness from his chemo or that he ate solid food voluntarily, asking for it.  When my youngest would do his chores the first time I asked instead of repeated requests to take out the trash, pick up his Nerf darts before the dog ate them, do his laundry, etc.

These last two weeks, other than keeping a committed watch on my oldest to see if he spiked a fever, I can honestly say I have been happy.  It has come to my realization that my happiness is hinging on the wellness of my oldest of late. I worry about him so much with these treatments and how to keep him up both in weight and health. I’m constantly scrubbing his bathroom down. Diligent about his regimen of medications and shots and constantly trying to get him to eat food. I’m a bear about people using hand sanitizer that come to the house and making sure they are well before they come to begin with. If he is doing well, it allows my brain (as well as the rest of me) to relax and enjoy my surroundings.  This last week has been the best I felt in a while emotionally. Physically a little run down, as I managed to catch a sinus cold that lasted a day or two but has caused poor sleep patterns the whole week.

Last night, the neighbor called to let me know that today was the towns Apple Festival and its also the day that people do their last yard sale. This got me very excited! I love my town!   You’re probably asking…why?! Alright..side story. Everyone has seen E.T., right? Who hasn’t, right?! Remember the scene with all the kids walking around on Halloween? Glowing jack o lanterns everywhere, hundreds of kids walking around in glorious and creative costumes? That wonderful small town community you always read about? That’s what I have where I live. I love it here. The only thing I mildly dislike is the fact that we have to get our mail from a post office instead of having it delivered. Want to know why? The people of the community voted it to be that way so they could all socialize at the post office. And they do! Every one waves to you when you’re driving around or walking.  They stop to have a conversation..even in their car in the middle of the street. Its small but it has a lot. Dental office, fitness studio, gas station convenience mart combo, chiropractor, acupuncture, tiny pharmacy, bank, dance studio, barber, Dollar General, adorable library, a tiny town hall with some of the most friendliest people you’ve met. There is a great park a block away from my house. There is the fire house where they hold the cute carnival every year and the streets half shut down for it.  A Boy Scout troop at the local church. Local town sports association for the younger kids. The typical pizzeria, Chinese food, cutely named deli and a diner up the street. All within two miles of where I live. Down the road a few more miles is the just most wonderful little market called the Apple Bin that makes the best apple cider donuts and chocolate chip scones I’ve ever eaten. The store itself looks like something from Little House on the Prairie. Minus the spiders ALL THE PLACES, its my little bit of heaven and we found a wonderful house on a dead end street surrounded by trees in the middle of it. We even have great neighbors!

So, my youngest and his friend took a shift selling apple crisp at the festival for their Boy Scout Troop.  My husband and I, both lovers of a good yard sale, put the leash on Rolo, grabbed a couple bags (cause we actually are courteous and pick up the poo when he goes) and went out for a walk on the town to peruse the sales. Lots out there, but we settled on a replacement curling iron for myself (identical to the one I had but damn near new!!), and under the desk exercise bike for office jobs and a nice fur coat that I can rip apart for the viking garb. Its a lovely blond color and its rabbit fur. Hey, for five bucks, you cant go wrong with that. We ran into friends several times on our walk.   Rolo got to finally  meet a few dogs but he was a bit afraid around them even though they were all very friendly to him.  ALL the people stopped to pet him, say how cute he was, gush all over him and one couple even asked for the breeders name so they could contact her.  When we got back home, I ran a load of laundry and hung it on the line. We sat on the sun porch with cold drinks enjoying the glorious weather we were having. 70 degrees, low humidity and a nice breeze.  It was just a beautiful day and as I was sitting here waiting for LFR to pop in WoW, I realized I was happy and not just that but I had been happy for pretty much most of this past week.  Last night I started a pair of socks to put on the etsy store.  It feels good to be knitting again. I am doing that and working on an embroidery project.  I feel good. I feel happy. Im still a little tired, but it doesn’t damper the happiness I am feeling right now.

Kyle is at the halfway point in his treatments. Being over the proverbial hump and going down towards the second half feels good. The “road map” as they call it has a little over half a dozen more inpatient stays and that makes me feel good that the number is dwindling down.  We still have not made any plans till this is done in regards to weekend activities or vacations or the like. Just taking things day by day, week by week.  Make a Wish foundation came by to visit with him and ask what he wanted. We are unsure if they will grant it or not but, he asked for “a pool and a deck like at Aunt Colleen’s old house”.  They really couldn’t get anything else out of him that he wanted. Let’s face it, he’s a kid that knows what he wants.  We shall see if that is feasible to grant it. Its not like they can do anything with it now anyway being nearing the end of September.

The air has a crisp chill and fresh smell to it. Its suppose to be pretty chilly tonight. We have the windows open and even though my allergies are acting up from it, I love it. Perhaps we’ll light the fire-pit tonight and cook smores.  Right now, life feels pretty good. I hope this feeling lasts for a while. I know this whole thing has ups and downs but i am hoping for more ups than downs here on out.

Oh, and friends? There are so many of you that asked what you can do for us. The best thing you can do is keep in touch. Reach out to us..me. Call. IM. Email. Communication is what we need. Knowing you are still out there. Sometimes it feels like when the diagnosis was spoken, many said “let me know how I can help” and faded back from us. I need your company even if its just virtual.  With having to put our life on hold to give him all that he needs, it feels very isolating and a little lonely.  I miss my friends. I miss the SCA. I miss taking pictures. I miss wearing garb! I miss pageantry! The banners flying in the wind! The clash of weapons in the lists! The smell of glorious foods cooking and wafting from the kitchens. I miss life and the socializing.  Please, Stay in touch.

I am in pursuit of happiness everyday now. Im trying to find it in even the smallest things in each day.  I will not let this beat me and it certainly wont beat him. He is my ARMS warrior and he will beat this. I love my boy!

Faith in humanity, restored!

Posted on by Jennifer GB

In a world where everyone keeps their heads down and minds their own business, the kindness of strangers still leaves me in awe and can make me cry with such happiness and gratitude, it makes me feel better and have hope for this world we live in.

We were out of milk and a few other things. Made a stop to Shoprite to pick things up for home (OMG how could I have spent that much for so few groceries!?!) and as i was loading my sacks of groceries into the trunk, another car pulled up two spaces away. I walked around front of the car with my empty cart and offered it to the two ladies saying it rolled well. “Rolls well, huh? Sure we’ll take it!” they said laughing.  The one woman then complimented me on my hair coloring and asked where I’d gotten it done and what was the inspiration for it?  I told her about Kyle and what he was going through and how he’d chosen a blue wig to wear and that if he wanted me to do the same I’d shave my head and wear a wig too, but he declined it and said he just wanted me to dye my hair and thus is the reason for my colorful do.

The two ladies looked at me with their hands over their mouths. One of them comes to me and gives me a hug and says “We never come to Shoprite. We usually shop other places but decided to come here today and now we know why. We were meant to come here and meet you. We will say prayers for your son and put him on our prayer chain.”  I was so moved by the kindness of these women, I called my husband and told him on the way home about what happened and it made me cry. (as it is again as I am typing this)  Thank you ladies for restoring my faith in humanity. Bless you both!

 

Frustrations & Complaints (move along if you don’t want to read further)

Posted on by Jennifer GB

The night didn’t go so well. The lack of sleep has caused me to be in a foul disposition thus is going to reflect in this post.  The IV machine kept beeping and of course the nurses didn’t hear it so it would wake me up and I would have to go out and let them know that there was an issue with his fluids. This happened at least three times.  Then he had to use the restroom so he needs a hand with that..mainly rolling the IV cart and maneuvering it for him since he is half asleep.  All that started at like 12:30. I started to drift back off and then some weird ass dream woke me up and had my heart pounding. I can’t even recall what it was now. Then, the hunger set in. It was damn near overpowering too. I kept craving sushi in the worse possible way. I seriously debated going down to the cafe that is open 24 hours but all the food is starting to taste the same there and from what the nurses said, they aren’t that well stocked in the wee hours of the morning. So, after a cursory search of the floor to see if there were snacks of any type other than saltines or graham crackers, I went back to bed. The hunger pangs kept me up though and I decided to surf Facebook. Why oh why do all the amazing and scrumptious looking recipe videos come up at that time, when I am soooo hungry?!  It was torture, I tell you. I finally fell back asleep sometime around three is my guess.  But, the damn beeping IV machine woke me at 5:45.

On the complaint front, while the nurses are wonderful as well as the other staff here, the facilities leave quite a bit to be desired. First, they have these vinyl pull out couches and they have to be only slightly more comfortable to sleep on than the floor. Let me tell you, osteoarthritis and this couch do not get along what so ever.  I usually take Advil PM in order to get a good nights sleep, but last night I forgot to. Just as well I suppose considering Kyle needed help.

The bathrooms. We have been in here probably at least ten times now, and in as many different rooms.  Every room (save one) is equipped with these filters over all the faucets including the shower heads.  Our guess is they are the equivalent of Brita filters so the water is clean for patients with compromised immune systems to bath or wash hands without worry of bacteria. Here’s the problem. These filters, they clog up within two showers and then the water flow is a trickle coming out. And that is if there is a descent water pressure, which a lot of times there isn’t.  Nor hot water, or a semblance there of. The current room has a puddle in the base of the tub that has rust in it. Apparently there is also a problem with how they are leveled so they dont drain properly.

This is a children’s hospital. Children of this day and age have electronic devices that rely on internet such as tablets, cell phones, laptops and gaming systems. I have seen them all in various rooms (one teen had the whole X-Box One with Connect set up).  The problem is, when the internet infrastructure was installed, they underestimated the demand on it so it is very laggy. They also linked all the nurses mobile computer stations to be wireless as well so add that to the demand of mobile devices of the patients and families and calling it mediocre would be a kindness.  A simple video chat with loved ones is just about out of the question let alone playing a game or streaming a movie or show.  Thankfully, Kyle has a bag of dvd’s he brings with him and is happy with that.

I see the hospital updating the grounds right outside our window. There use to be a mini golf course and they have chain-link fenced off the are and are dubbing it Phase 2 of the gardens.  The nurse and I both said, wouldn’t the funds have been put to better use for updating the bathrooms/plumbing/computer issues (just to name a few)?  I know i would have budgeted the money for those things other than a new garden.

One thing I do find amusing is there is a ghost in the room. The automatic feed paper towel dispenser just randomly feeds out paper towels without anyone being near it to wave a hand in front of it.  *insert twilight-zone music here*

On an up note (I did say last night I would try) Kyle is in good spirits. My mother is coming to visit with belated presents for him which he is entirely too excited about.  He is smiling a lot and eating cheese its like they are going out of style. Milk and Dr Pepper too.  He has made a request for mini powdered donuts as well.

I feel a nap coming on. I think Ill go give in before company arrives. If you’ve stayed this long dear readers, thanks for listening to my vent. It did help some. I will just be glad when these hospital stays are in our past and he is cured and recovered to his old self again.

Ciao

“Always Look on the bright side of life”

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I will be the first to admit that I do not have the most optimistic outlook or attitude sometimes. Hell, a lot of times.  The last several years in my life have had many ups and downs and it seemed a lot of times, more the downward slope. It tends to make me always see things in a dark light and not in a positive manner.  I am truly working on it but it is hard. Today, is not one of the hard days thankfully.  I woke this morning here at the hospital and decided that Au bon pain-in-my-ass is not what I wanted for breakfast. Everything in that shop smells the same and the smell is starting to disgust me.  I went to the basement cafe to get some breakfast and when I walked in, the atmosphere just lifted my spirits. The speaker system was playing some Latin music that you just couldn’t help but dance to.  I didn’t understand a word of it (even after 5 years of Spanish lessons in school) but you just didn’t need to.  The staff were chattering away and some lightly singing the lyrics to the song.  Some of the staff I have gotten to know by first name basis in the last few months and the one sweet lady named Carmen greeted me. Her big smile and good morning brought a grin to my face as she chatted about how late she was there last night and early she was this morning, all the while dancing to the music playing over head. She asked about Kyle and then commented on my blue hair (yeah..dyed it to match Kyle’s in the back and sides at the bottom) and how it looked “totally fab”.  She really set my mood this morning making the day seem bright and positive. Kyle is doing well. His counts are coming up and he’s put about 8 pounds back on that he’d lost.  His mood was that of my ol’ Kyle who was always giggly and smiley and fun.  We laughed entirely too hard over a video of someone showing some Thomas HO Gauge trains and the eyes on one of the trains were going the opposite ways of what they should be and he just couldn’t stop laughing, which made me laugh even harder and brought me such joy.

Joy…a luxury I haven’t had a chance to experience in some time.

I have to say I was very worried about coming this weekend. Stress has taken its toll and I was worried I wouldn’t be a good Mom to Kyle. The hospital stays are hard on me too emotionally. Its so incredibly difficult to see your child suffering and know you cant do anything more than hold his hand or talk kind soothing words to him while he gets through all this horrific shit that he has to endure to get better. It is extremely hard to not cry in front of your child so they see you as strong and they take your strength and put it into themselves so they too can be just as strong and confident in their ability to get through tough situations.  I am not this strong all the time, or even most of the time. I don’t see myself as a strong person in this. I feel weak actually.  I’m told otherwise, but it doesn’t matter what anyone tells me, its how I feel.  I feel like i should be strong like the other mothers who never seem to cry over this. Who are just determined to get through it and go on to the next step to recover.  As i said at the top, optimism isn’t one of my strong traits. Lots of times being beat down emotionally over the years causes me to spiral. One small bad tiny seed will spiral me down until that seed has bloomed into a forest of negativity and weighty depression. And crying, lots of it.   But, today, there wasn’t any of that.  A good friend came to visit and brought me Pennsic booty that she and another friend picked up for me in their shopping travels.  The company was just lovely too as she regaled me with her adventures in our little medieval Brigadoon.  (sorely miss going..next year, for sure!)

Now, as I finish typing this entry up, the skies are darkening and the stars are beginning to dot the sky. Kyle has settled in for the night and I hear my knitting calling. I’ve spent time virtually with my youngest playing some Warcraft and I’ve chatted it up with my hubby…who i miss so much right now.   Today, I had no pessimistic thoughts.  Well, I cant say that exactly. One tried to get the better of me and take away the happiness I was feeling and i shoved it down swearing at it and grasped the hand of Joy in my head (You know..blue hair, gold glow..all bubbly) and continued on my task.  Today I call it a win. I beat back the blackness that so often takes control of my brain in all this that I am dealing with.

One day at a time. That is the best I can do. Today was a good day and tomorrow I’ll shoot for the same thing.

I call that a win.

 

In The Beginning…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Cancer. One of the scariest words in the world. You hear it all the time on the news. Great strides in the discoveries of how it “works” and how they are now coming up with ways to cure it. Everyone has had a friend that has had some form of cancer. You try to live a good lifestyle to avoid the big C word. You dont smoke, you dont do drugs, you try to eat healthy-ish and avoid the chain fast food joints when you can.  You tear yourself away from your couch and computer to do more active things like gardening and walking around the neighborhood or swimming at a friends house. You hope and pray it doesn’t happen to you. And then it does, but not to yourself, to one of your children.  Then everything changes.

In the beginning, there is just shock. Utter, bone crushing, world spinning out of control shock. It might as well be true medical shock because there is crying, shaking, nausea, chills, all of it. Then the mind numbing fear that is all encompassing sets in when the doctors said those words: “Your son has cancer”.   You think to yourself..how?!? There is no history of cancer in my family..this can’t be happening and you pray that any second you will wake up from this awful nightmare and find that he’s sleeping quietly in the bedroom next to yours and you just ate something that was unsettling for dinner that night.

No. It’s not a nightmare. You are very awake and this is very, very scarily real. You are really sitting on that ugly flowered couch in the lounge area of the hospital in front of two doctors with the father of your child sitting on your one side and your fiance on the other side holding your hand as they tell you what kind of cancer it is and how to treat it. You dont hear a lot of what they are saying because you are crying and you keep hearing the booming statement ring through your head over and over and its like a pounding pulse that drowns everything everything else out. The outside world is just a distance white noise while your mind wraps around the last statement you heard clearly before the shock set in.

Then you cry more, and it seems like it will never stop.  You sob so hard, so much that you become so exhausted that you yawn in the midsts of sobbing and you suddenly feel like that 7 year old child when you fell off the monkey bars and broke your wrist and you cried that exact same way from the pain.  You start running all the things through your head about how this is your fault. You flash back to being pregnant and wondering if the foods you ate or drank were the contributing factor to this.  Was it the infertility drugs you took in order to get pregnant with him. Did you feed him too many foods with artificial coloring while he was growing up. Was it any of the medicines that you gave him from over the counter companies. What did i do to cause this to happen to my son??!!

Nothing, the doctors say. This is a “fluke”. Its a gene that “didnt turn off” as this happens only in kids and young adults. This truly had nothing to do with anything you did. It’s not your fault. But you really don’t believe them. You’re the mother. You grew him inside you. You gave him life. You nurtured him for nine months through what you ate, drank, breathed in, took internally. Somehow, no matter what they say, there is that little tiny speck of a voice in the back of your thoughts that says it had to be something you did.  In the end, it does not matter because, he has cancer and now it has to be treated. So, you cry some more.

Then a new panic sets in that grips your heart with such pain and terror that you start shaking and you can barely get breathe and while you have to ask the doctor at the same time you are deathly afraid to because your brain can’t possibly handle more bad news. You summon the will and breath from some cavernous area within yourself and between choked sobs you as: Will this happen to your other son?

No, the doctors say. What he has is rare and it is treatable, they say.  But, in your head you are now flashing back to any small or minute complaints your other child may have made that make you fear a similar fate and you vow to take seriously any complaint that they bring to you.  And then, some how, you cry some more, partially from relief by what the doctors said about your other son but mostly from the original fear resetting back in and you wonder how it is possible to cry so much and wonder if there is ever an “empty” point to the supply of tears your body has.

Cancer. Its a word that changes absolutely everything in your life. Things you didnt even know to think about are now things you have to keep in the forefront of your thoughts. You erase all plans that you had for the semi-distant future like weekend trips, vacations, your honeymoon. Hell, you even postpone your marriage so that its a more convenient date to happen in-between treatment times so your son can be there to walk you down the aisle.  The things you use to care so deeply about..social groups, hobbies, goals, etc…are much less a priority to you now and don’t matter nearly as much since this has come about.  It changes the way you think about life.  It changes what you think about in life. Things that worried about before are no longer a concern and you question why you made such a big deal over it to begin with. Your world becomes infinitely smaller and encompasses the things that are most important to you now.  The things that truly matter to you become blatantly obvious: your husband, your children, your family and the happiness you can have with them.  Your friends, the ones that have not faded into the shadows after they heard about the cancer diagnosis…. you are truly grateful for those that have stuck around and have been supportive in one fashion or another like taking your other son to scouts or soccer practice or a sleep over so he has some fun as well. Or just pinging you to check up on you. You appreciate all the little things and its little things like that mean the world.

Finding ways to cope with this are difficult because, guess what, cancer is difficult and when you have never dealt with it before, you don’t know how to cope with it.  Also, your time is limited because its about work, treatments schedules, your home, long drives to and from said treatments, ensuring a happy lifestyle for your other child, etc. Coping mechanisms are hard to come by (besides crying and as stated, tears are abundant) and sometimes..you cope by losing it…on a nurse while in the hospital. (Thankfully, the nurse was very understanding when apologized to the next time she came around and all was forgiven and hugs exchanged). Also, talking sharply to or using the “tough love” approach to/at someone who is dealing with cancer is not the best way to talk to most of them. It tends to set off the temper, so as a suggestion, use the kid gloves approach to be safe until you know how they are handling the whole situation. For the record, therapists are being sought, but like anything else, its a process. Suggestions for a writing a blog were made, thus the creation of this one.

I will say now that by no means will this blog ever be anything but a way to express all-the-things that are going on during this whole process…but perhaps it will continue on after he is cured (AND DAMN IT HE WILL BE!!). I can’t promise daily entries but I can promise I will not mince words. I can’t promise not to swear. I will promise to rant, rave, bitch and moan about all of it and talk about all the feelings. I will write about happy times too and things that made me laugh. I will promise to express how horrible it makes me feel to see my son sick over the poisons that are being put into him in order to make him better. I will complain and be depressed at times, about all the said changes.   If you can’t handle this, don’t read it.  Its taken me over 90 minutes to write all this (yes there were tears at some points) and it took days to actually sit down and write this beginning entry.  Its not easy. Entries will follow.  With that I leave you with this statement:

Fuck you cancer. You will not win.