I try to walk through this world making as little waves as possible. I have always put others happiness before my own. So when someone I care about told me they hold resentments towards me, let me tell you it shook me to my core. I was rendered speechless. How do you deal with that? What did I do? How do I fix it? Can I even fix it? I’m sitting here wondering what I’d done to form resentment and I can only come up with my kids. I’ve been told I’m a helicopter mom. I put their needs before my own. I am too lenient with them. I don’t push them enough and maybe their right. One kid has survived cancer and let me tell you watching your child go through that when all I wanted to do was to be able to take that away from him so he wasn’t in pain, weak, sick, struggling…it changes you. It makes you paranoid over the second child and what could happen to him. Maybe I have let them get away with more than I should have and protecting them has always come first. I need to get past that I suppose. I know even I feel I’ve let my youngest get away with not growing up for lack of a better word. Maybe it will bite me in the ass when I am pushing him more, which I am doing. But, never, never did I think it would cause someone to resent me. How does one handle being told that?! I feel I am naive in all this. I feel like a bloody idiot.
It is now I realize I need to find a therapist to speak with. I can’t deal with everything on my own and that my mental health needs to come first. I feel like I have years worth of issues I need to deal with. Taking that first step is the hardest and scariest.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” – Dao De Jing
Eat, Pray & Suck it Up! 