Its just one of those days

Posted on by Jennifer GB

You know the kind. Nothing goes right no matter what you try. Last night it was knitting related. I was trying a new pattern, a shawl for a co worker that I got the design off of Ravelry. This is the pattern: https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/18-petale-de-rose
I started at lunch at work attempting this pattern. My friends have told me if I can do socks I can do anything since socks can be complicated. So, what the hell! I believed them and picked this up. Ordered the yarn for it off Amazon which took forever to be delivered because, come to find out, it was being shipped from Turkey. I really wish it would be more prominently displayed on Amazon where the item you’re interested in buying is shipping from. So I started the pattern during my lunch hour at work. I think I tore it out at least twice during that time and said I’d consult with my expert friends when I got home. So, I preceded to try again, tore it out. Tried a second time and was frustrated. Took a pic and sent to my friends. They’d never done it so, they were unsure either. Tried again two more times (so this is 6 total since lunch) and failed again. I growled loudly, tore it out again, wrapped it up and threw it across the room, giving up. Then I promptly poured a LARGE glass of wine and logged onto World of Warcraft and killed things in there for about two hours to burn out the frustration, then went to bed still stewing over it.

Technically a day is 24 hours so, this continued to this morning. Slept like crap after waking up in the middle of the night with a bought of acid reflux (probably from the wine) and had to take meds for that but took some time to get back to sleep so when the alarm went off, I was still exhausted. I’d have just called out but the lady I assist needs me to drive her to meetings today so, that wasn’t an option. Was doing prep for SCA Coronation this weekend, digging out some fabric to take to work to cut out (conference room table is huge and great for this) and was discussing it with my friend on her drive to work phone call, when she questioned how the drive for me was less than the drive for her to the site. So I then looked up the distance and drivetime to the event, which I planned on day tripping because I can’t afford a hotel room to stay up there when I’m going on vacation on the 10th with my kids to Florida, to realize it was almost four hours one way to the event site. Well, maybe 15 years ago I could gung ho it for almost four hours each way for an SCA event but not anymore. I annoyingly admitted defeat to myself, told my friend I guess I wasn’t going to be able to come and stopped digging for fabric to cut out at work. Hung up the phone and went to my computer to post on the group page I couldn’t attend. When I hit post, it marked it as spam and set it to pend for approval. (Anger amped up 10 fold). I have had this ongoing problem for about three or so months now that all my posts to groups I am a member of on Facebook are marked as spam and go to pending for approval. Even if the group does not have the posting settings set that way. I have contacted the help center, entered a bug report multiple times, found an email online where I can report a bug but got no response from that. I get no write backs from FB saying why its happening nor have they notified me that I had done something wrong to deserve what is happening when I post. (anger amped up another 10 fold) I don’t know about you reader (if there in fact are any out there) but this is the point where I messaged my friend and told her not to count on me to assist her during this reign because of the placement of events being all up north and not having the funds to constantly get hotel rooms. That my participation will most likely be all virtual because of it. And then, like a 10 year old having a melt down I typed to her that at this point with all the other issues I have dealt with in the SCA (posted on it previously) that I am at the point of being ready to quit it entirely and just say fuck it all.

So here I am, sitting at work typing out my frustrations instead of actually, you know, working. I leave in fifteen mins to take the counselor to the school for her meetings. Another counselor came in to tell me about work that has to be done ASAP (which all her work seems to have to be done that way) in my minute amount of time i have when I’ll actually be in the office and the only thing I actually want to do is go home, put on my jammies, crawl back into bed, have a good cry and go to sleep till 2025. Or at least till I leave for Florida on the 10th. I am so tired. But instead, I’m going to get the forms the counselor needs for the meetings, grab my sock knitting for between the meetings (because socks apparently are the only thing I’m good at knitting and should give up trying anything else), snag one of the energy drinks I have in the office fridge and drive to the local high school for the meetings and try not to fall asleep during them. If anyone has any energy to spare, please send it my way. Until later my friends

Ciao.

Being Oblivious

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I try to walk through this world making as little waves as possible. I have always put others happiness before my own. So when someone I care about told me they hold resentments towards me, let me tell you it shook me to my core. I was rendered speechless. How do you deal with that? What did I do? How do I fix it? Can I even fix it? I’m sitting here wondering what I’d done to form resentment and I can only come up with my kids. I’ve been told I’m a helicopter mom. I put their needs before my own. I am too lenient with them. I don’t push them enough and maybe their right. One kid has survived cancer and let me tell you watching your child go through that when all I wanted to do was to be able to take that away from him so he wasn’t in pain, weak, sick, struggling…it changes you. It makes you paranoid over the second child and what could happen to him. Maybe I have let them get away with more than I should have and protecting them has always come first. I need to get past that I suppose. I know even I feel I’ve let my youngest get away with not growing up for lack of a better word. Maybe it will bite me in the ass when I am pushing him more, which I am doing. But, never, never did I think it would cause someone to resent me. How does one handle being told that?! I feel I am naive in all this. I feel like a bloody idiot.

It is now I realize I need to find a therapist to speak with. I can’t deal with everything on my own and that my mental health needs to come first. I feel like I have years worth of issues I need to deal with. Taking that first step is the hardest and scariest.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” – Dao De Jing

WTF IS GOING ON!?!?

Posted on by Jennifer GB

There are so many things going on in the world right now between the war in Ukraine, COVID cases spiking again, people not wanting to work and so many businesses are closing because of it. A month or so ago a local diner that was our favorite Friday night take out place closed because he couldn’t get people to work there and the cost of food for the restaurant was just getting too high. When he announced it, business boomed. The place was always filled and it was hard to get an order.  They day they closed, they were nice enough to give my son a t-shirt with the store logo on it. I think he was upset the most when they closed.  To a special needs kid, change can be catastrophic, and it did make him cry, which he rarely does.

Gas prices are soaring because oil companies are greedy bastards. Democrats are trying to pass a bill against gas price gouging but from what I’ve heard, all republicans voted against it, which is not surprising because the owner of the oil companies are primarily republicans, and they certainly don’t want to give up any chance to pad their bank accounts further. 

And now another mass shooting at an elementary school in Texas with 21 dead. I just cant. Why does this keep happening here? Why must they resort to killing children or anyone for that matter because of what they are feeling?! How does taking someone elses life….innocent lives…help!?! Its depressing, so very, very depressing. My heart hurts for the families that lost their loved ones yesterday. It scares me too because I still have one kid in school. They sent a notice out last night that they were upping security even though there is no threat to his school. I always tell him to hide, don’t be seen or if you can safely get out and away from the school to do that but not to take any chance at all of being hurt.  I tell my older son who works at a Walmart to do the same thing. Ive told him ways he can get out of the building from the department he works in without hopefully being seen. They give them mandatory videos to watch for “Active Shooters” that he was to watch quarterly.  This shit didn’t happen when I was a kid.

Things have to change. Things have to get better.  With everything going on, it makes me consider moving to another country. Italy is my first choice.

Anyway..I gotta work.  Promise ill try to be more uplifting and positive in my next post.

Ciao!

Baby Steps

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Tis the season for emotional roller coasters. Especially when COVID is happening and cutting you off from the ones you love. Christmas at home this year, just like Thanksgiving was. I have disappointed my family yet again because I dont want to be the cause of inadvertently bringing any illness down to them. Suck it up!

The SCA BoD announced the other day that in person events are now canceled through May 31st 2021. I will admit this hit me way harder than I thought it would. I got choked up and angry. I miss my friends. I miss dressing up. I miss laughs and hugs. I miss discussions with others on research and embroidery techniques, garb construction, etc. I understand completely why they did it. It still makes me angry. I think I’m angry more at the illness causing this complete upheaval in everyone’s lives and not the decision they have made for the safety of all. Its just the fact that this forced hermit like lifestyle is getting to me. I know..a friend has stated every day, this too shall pass. #spanishflu2020

So on black friday i ordered a new steel bedframe and mattress for my oldest as somehow he destroyed his. Like, worn holes and broken springs destroyed. Yea..I can’t figure it out either. Its four years old. Anyway, Sam’s club online had these great deals. So, we ordered a new hybrid mattress for him and a new frame for it. Got the mattress a week ago (later than they said I would). The bedframe however, was somehow “lost” after a shipping label was made. So, after two online chat customer service reps, they stated they’d ship another expedited for the inconvenience I had been put in. I checked the new tracking number I got Monday and as of today, its saying it will get here Friday but as of right now when i checked the tracking number, it is still at the warehouse. I got on chat again and was told by “Ana” that they didnt know what was happening and she’d send it to a special dept to check it out. Which would take 24-72 hours. So, either way, I wont get an answer until after the day its suppose to be here…IF it gets here that day. I doubt California to NY will happen by Friday. So this whole rant brings me to the moral of the story: Sam’s club online sucks! Stick to shopping for what you need at their store and not rely on online. I feel like their customer service lines are just there to tell you “we’ll check into it, we are so sorry”. They lost me as a customer.

On the weight loss front, I have been slowly increasing my steps each day. I have been consistently getting up to 5000+ steps in and I try to do a couple hundred more each day. I am drinking a lot more water.. at least the minimum 64 oz but, I’m shooting for a gallon a day in the not too distant future. I noticed some clothing is less snug so I call it a win. I have decided to cut portions, limit bread and sugar and try to eat less take out. I feel like if I cut things completely out of my life it will make me crave them more and then over do it one day. Small portions of sweets every once in a while keeps the mind set that it isnt forever gone or a forbidden food. I feel better about this, like this is more feasible to stick with for the rest of my life. I don’t want to lose this weight super fast, i want it to be slow going so that my skin can shrink with it.

Alright…work to do. More later.

Ciao!!

Post Turkey Day

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Because of the dumpster fire that is 2020, Thanksgiving day, which is normally just my hubby and I, had my two sons with us for the first time in 11 years. The travel restrictions kept them from spending the holiday with their dad, sadly. Thank goodness for video calls though.

Anyway, made 4300 steps alone doing cooking help for hubby, who does 90% of the cooking. Dinner was turkey, sweet potato casserole, dressing/stuffing (which ever you choose to call it), mashed potatoes cranberry sauce, peas, home made crescent rolls, gravy, pumpkin pie and brownies. Other than the box mix brownies and canned cranberry sauce,, all was made from scratch. Oh and wine…of course wine.

I had small amounts of everything (except cranberry sauce, blech) and only had a tiny second helping of sweet potatoes. I skipped pie and had a small brownie.

Drank a lot of water before and after. Sat on my butt the rest of the night and played world of warcraft. Today its get in at least 8000 steps.

No real weight loss yet but I’m trying not to stress it. Lots of things happening this year making it emotionally hard to stay on track. 2 deaths in the family. Suicidal deer totalling my car and me having to buy a new one. New job…and a desk job no less so not adding movement there, but I do like it a lot and who I work with. Corona virus restrictions from going damn near anywhere but my yard practically. All three of the corgis had medical issues that ran us close to $4000 dollars.

So yea, stress. On the up side I have gone over 3 months with out more than a half a glass of diet coke.

I’m lying in bed writing this post and planning my day. Also getting the gumption to get up out of bed and start the day but hubby is warm and cuddly and bed feels so good and the “I dont wannas” are strong. I’m the only one working today but at least its from home remoting in.

Ah well. Time to get the coffee and Jumpstart the heart. Have a good day peeps!

Crap Day Yesterday

Posted on by Jennifer GB

(written last night but post didnt go through for some reason)

I had a list of stuff to do. Work out, pick the garden, laundry, plant bulbs…I crossed one thing off. An allergy attack that hit last night wiped me out today. I hate the fall and this is a big reason. I feel like a total slacker. I wanted to weight train. Be productive. Get some steps in too but instead I vegetated and went through a box of tissues while watching “Ratched”. (Weird ass show…let me tell you).

Tomorrow we have plans that involve the whole day so I still won’t get to work on my list. I might be able to squeeze the 15 mins weight train video in before I get the day going.

The whole day was blah. Overcast and dreary and I felt like I had my own personal black cloud over my head. Isolated is a good description. Left out. This pandemic makes me feel like I’m losing friends. Definitely losing touch.

I sound maudlin. Going to bed to end this day.

Ciao

Accountability

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I’ve been unemployed for about three months now. I was injured on the job by faulty equipment and while on workman’s compensation, they “eliminated my position”. I herniated two disks in my neck and pulled muscles down my left shoulder and back. The injury occurred in June. Being injured, depressed and not able to do normal routine or exercises, I’ve gained weight. 20 some pounds to be exact. Now, I am a plus sized woman to start with, so this isn’t saying I was a size 10 and ballooned up. But I was doing a low carb diet (which seems to be the only thing that works for me because of my PCOS) and had lost a good chunk of weight. Once I was injured and not able to even walk more than a few feet before pain would kick in, depression also kicked in and I am unfortunately an emotional eater. Since it was hard to cook, I did take out. When I weighed myself this morning to get an idea, it said….well I am not comfortable listing it here yet. Needless to say its the heaviest I have ever been to date. I signed up with the Weight Watcher’s app a few days ago and started it today after my weigh in….at home. I’m way too embarrassed to go to a meeting right now. I’ve never found them to be much help anyway.

I know one of my issues with helping to shed the weight is exercise. I have some injuries that I have sustained over the years aside from this recent one (broken back in 1997 in a car crash to name another) that make it hard to do a lot. Also, i detest exercise. Maybe because my injuries started when I was in high school (knee injury in sports). I love swimming. Its the least painful exercise I have found so far and we have a small above ground pool but honestly, that is only usable from June to September. Money is tight so a membership to a gym with an indoor pool is not in the budget right now. What is a girl to do?

I love food. All the things I love are bad for me or I’m allergic to (recently found out I’m allergic to bread yeast, cinnamon and mushrooms. YEA!! WTF!!). I am open to suggestions. I have no desire to be a runway model or wear a skimpy bikini next summer. Let’s face it..I have two children and have the stretch marks to prove it. My stomach should not see the light of day again. I just want to wear non plus size clothing and like my body. As much as I try to be a body positive plus sized woman, right now it’s very hard. I give kudos to those women out there that do it and look damn good! I never seem to look that good. I just about cry when I see myself in my bathroom vanity mirror and let me tell you.. I dont even look in a full length mirror cause that just amps up the body dis-morphia and depression.

So I ask my few readers out there…What is a girl to do?

I am open to suggestions, sites, etc. Help a sister out!

Exhaustion, Depression and Stress..OH MY!

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I opened Facebook this morning and saw a stunning picture of friends in front of glorious scenery on their vacation abroad and while I was so happy for them that they saw such wondrous views and had these fabulous experiences and OH MY GLOB that waterfall was just breathtaking….I burst into tears.  Not really the reaction I was expecting to come from myself. Quite shocking actually. Admittedly, I was envious of them. I adore them completely, I have no ill feelings in even the slightest towards them and their various trips they take I live vicariously through their pictures grinning from ear to ear and vowing I will go there someday, but I am envious.  I am finding a lot of late, that i am envious of what everyone is doing, the lives their living. They are living…..LIVING!! I feel like I am barely surviving each day and each day it is a struggle to do that.

The old saying that goes something along the lines of three steps forward, two steps back (or however it goes) I think is going to be my new mantra. When I feel like I get a handle on things, something trips me up or shoves me back a bit. This morning started with challenges (like waking at 3 am and not getting back to sleep) and try as I might to not let it set my mood for the day, it did.  It started with something as small as my son not brushing his teeth…for several days because he never unpacked his overnight bag from a sleep over. I mean..come on!! Yea, I know..he’s 12 and I should know better. I guess I underestimate my kids in hoping they will do basic hygiene every day without me having to remind them to do it. *smacks forehead* How silly of me!  Lesson learned: 12 year old boys don’t care nor think about these things. (Note to self: Start taping reminder notes to their mirrors and computer screens) I became very angry over this situation. Probably more so than I should have. I yelled. He cringed. The puppy cowered. I stormed out to go to work feeling like worse Mom in the world.

Now, today was to be the first therapy appointments for he and I. Being majorly stressed at all that has happened and is happening in our lives of late, I was very much looking forward to it. I should have known that it wouldn’t be that easy, it never seems to be in my life.  Mind you, i worked for a couple weeks with a case worker through my insurance company to find the right therapist that would fit for both my son and I. They took my insurance as well.  This morning at 8:30, the therapy office called to tell me my son’s insurance was canceled at the end of January and they couldn’t find me in the system. I felt my heart skip and start to beat faster and I think my eye even started to twitch a little.  After a call to the insurance company to verify we were still there and active, which we were, I called the office back. It was then they said they did find us, but, as it turns out, they don’t take the plan type that we have with said insurance company. However, they could set up a private pay price so that I could keep the appointment.  At this point I can now feel my pulse in my neck and temples and the angry tears started brimming in my eyes and I believe the next words I said were “Are you fucking kidding me!?” came out of my mouth and the lady uttered an oh my seemingly shocked to her foundations that I had the audacity to swear. Can someone please tell me why these offices can not check out the insurance eligibility prior to the few hours before the appointment?!  I promptly told her to cancel the appointments as I would not be keeping them since they didn’t take our policy and I certainly don’t have the funds to pay for their “private pay” fee.   Weeks communicating with a case worker named Johanna at our insurance company via email and phone calls and she couldn’t even tell that this place didn’t take my plan type?! Isn’t that this case worker’s job? To confirm these little details before saying Go ahead and make an appointment?  I called the insurance company back yet again and well, she couldn’t answer my call right now and would get back to me.  Right after that, the hospital calls to say I have to come back down (after I just left there yesterday afternoon from being there this whole weekend) so that they can train me on how to run a pump for an NG tube for feedings.  I was there..for four days, and not once could they have shown me this while I was there and they were doing them? After being told earlier that a visiting nurse would come teach me at my home, I am now told I HAVE to come back down and do a 3 hour drive because they do not trust outside visiting nurses. There is now a red haze on the edges of my vision.

I feel utterly beaten down, deflated and broken. Thankfully I am at work alone right now because I sat at my desk here and bawled in complete frustration and anger for quite some time. When that happens, the mind wanders through the strangest things and you reflect on a hundred things that have nothing to do with the insurance company but only further you’re growing depression over the situation and what life has thrown at you. My brain decided to reflect on my missed vacations due to health reasons with my husband last year..then this year with my oldest son’s..not to mention caused us to post pone our wedding and cancel a honeymoon all together. It reminds me of how poorly I feel i am handling my life right now which consists of work, trying to maintain the house and the rotating hospital stays for treatment or pop up fevers and try to raise another child who is also dealing with the stresses of a sibling with a major illness and acting out accordingly. Oh yea..and a puppy who seems to be have an endless amount of poop and always has accidents no matter how many times we take him outside to do his business. He reminds me of one of those play-doh extrusion toys!   In one end and out the other almost immediately! My brain decided to remind me of just how much life I was missing and all the fun I was not having. All the life we are not living.  I feel like the most selfish person in the world right now. I feel like I should be able to push all this aside and be that good strong person and focus entirely on his treatment and be that positive, uplifting supermom i should be. I am not. I feel like a failure on top of the extreme selfishness.

I know..this isn’t forever. I have had multiple people state that to me to try to help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. FYI: It doesn’t help.  I know that when he is cured and back to his old self this will be something to reflect on as a struggle we got through and move in with our life.  But that time is not here yet. There are still months ahead of us in going through his treatment to reach that end goal. Hard, tough, stressful, painful months. We are barely half way in all this and I pray I can make it all the way through mentally and hell..even physically. I am trying to take it one day at a time so as not to feel overwhelmed, which is a monstrous feet in of itself. I have a feeling I will end up on some type of anxiety/stress medication and almost definitely something for blood pressure before the end of all this. I am fried.

I did warn you at the creation of this blog it wasn’t going to be all rainbows and unicorns and sunflowers, right? Right?!

 

 

 

 

 

Frustrations & Complaints (move along if you don’t want to read further)

Posted on by Jennifer GB

The night didn’t go so well. The lack of sleep has caused me to be in a foul disposition thus is going to reflect in this post.  The IV machine kept beeping and of course the nurses didn’t hear it so it would wake me up and I would have to go out and let them know that there was an issue with his fluids. This happened at least three times.  Then he had to use the restroom so he needs a hand with that..mainly rolling the IV cart and maneuvering it for him since he is half asleep.  All that started at like 12:30. I started to drift back off and then some weird ass dream woke me up and had my heart pounding. I can’t even recall what it was now. Then, the hunger set in. It was damn near overpowering too. I kept craving sushi in the worse possible way. I seriously debated going down to the cafe that is open 24 hours but all the food is starting to taste the same there and from what the nurses said, they aren’t that well stocked in the wee hours of the morning. So, after a cursory search of the floor to see if there were snacks of any type other than saltines or graham crackers, I went back to bed. The hunger pangs kept me up though and I decided to surf Facebook. Why oh why do all the amazing and scrumptious looking recipe videos come up at that time, when I am soooo hungry?!  It was torture, I tell you. I finally fell back asleep sometime around three is my guess.  But, the damn beeping IV machine woke me at 5:45.

On the complaint front, while the nurses are wonderful as well as the other staff here, the facilities leave quite a bit to be desired. First, they have these vinyl pull out couches and they have to be only slightly more comfortable to sleep on than the floor. Let me tell you, osteoarthritis and this couch do not get along what so ever.  I usually take Advil PM in order to get a good nights sleep, but last night I forgot to. Just as well I suppose considering Kyle needed help.

The bathrooms. We have been in here probably at least ten times now, and in as many different rooms.  Every room (save one) is equipped with these filters over all the faucets including the shower heads.  Our guess is they are the equivalent of Brita filters so the water is clean for patients with compromised immune systems to bath or wash hands without worry of bacteria. Here’s the problem. These filters, they clog up within two showers and then the water flow is a trickle coming out. And that is if there is a descent water pressure, which a lot of times there isn’t.  Nor hot water, or a semblance there of. The current room has a puddle in the base of the tub that has rust in it. Apparently there is also a problem with how they are leveled so they dont drain properly.

This is a children’s hospital. Children of this day and age have electronic devices that rely on internet such as tablets, cell phones, laptops and gaming systems. I have seen them all in various rooms (one teen had the whole X-Box One with Connect set up).  The problem is, when the internet infrastructure was installed, they underestimated the demand on it so it is very laggy. They also linked all the nurses mobile computer stations to be wireless as well so add that to the demand of mobile devices of the patients and families and calling it mediocre would be a kindness.  A simple video chat with loved ones is just about out of the question let alone playing a game or streaming a movie or show.  Thankfully, Kyle has a bag of dvd’s he brings with him and is happy with that.

I see the hospital updating the grounds right outside our window. There use to be a mini golf course and they have chain-link fenced off the are and are dubbing it Phase 2 of the gardens.  The nurse and I both said, wouldn’t the funds have been put to better use for updating the bathrooms/plumbing/computer issues (just to name a few)?  I know i would have budgeted the money for those things other than a new garden.

One thing I do find amusing is there is a ghost in the room. The automatic feed paper towel dispenser just randomly feeds out paper towels without anyone being near it to wave a hand in front of it.  *insert twilight-zone music here*

On an up note (I did say last night I would try) Kyle is in good spirits. My mother is coming to visit with belated presents for him which he is entirely too excited about.  He is smiling a lot and eating cheese its like they are going out of style. Milk and Dr Pepper too.  He has made a request for mini powdered donuts as well.

I feel a nap coming on. I think Ill go give in before company arrives. If you’ve stayed this long dear readers, thanks for listening to my vent. It did help some. I will just be glad when these hospital stays are in our past and he is cured and recovered to his old self again.

Ciao

“Always Look on the bright side of life”

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I will be the first to admit that I do not have the most optimistic outlook or attitude sometimes. Hell, a lot of times.  The last several years in my life have had many ups and downs and it seemed a lot of times, more the downward slope. It tends to make me always see things in a dark light and not in a positive manner.  I am truly working on it but it is hard. Today, is not one of the hard days thankfully.  I woke this morning here at the hospital and decided that Au bon pain-in-my-ass is not what I wanted for breakfast. Everything in that shop smells the same and the smell is starting to disgust me.  I went to the basement cafe to get some breakfast and when I walked in, the atmosphere just lifted my spirits. The speaker system was playing some Latin music that you just couldn’t help but dance to.  I didn’t understand a word of it (even after 5 years of Spanish lessons in school) but you just didn’t need to.  The staff were chattering away and some lightly singing the lyrics to the song.  Some of the staff I have gotten to know by first name basis in the last few months and the one sweet lady named Carmen greeted me. Her big smile and good morning brought a grin to my face as she chatted about how late she was there last night and early she was this morning, all the while dancing to the music playing over head. She asked about Kyle and then commented on my blue hair (yeah..dyed it to match Kyle’s in the back and sides at the bottom) and how it looked “totally fab”.  She really set my mood this morning making the day seem bright and positive. Kyle is doing well. His counts are coming up and he’s put about 8 pounds back on that he’d lost.  His mood was that of my ol’ Kyle who was always giggly and smiley and fun.  We laughed entirely too hard over a video of someone showing some Thomas HO Gauge trains and the eyes on one of the trains were going the opposite ways of what they should be and he just couldn’t stop laughing, which made me laugh even harder and brought me such joy.

Joy…a luxury I haven’t had a chance to experience in some time.

I have to say I was very worried about coming this weekend. Stress has taken its toll and I was worried I wouldn’t be a good Mom to Kyle. The hospital stays are hard on me too emotionally. Its so incredibly difficult to see your child suffering and know you cant do anything more than hold his hand or talk kind soothing words to him while he gets through all this horrific shit that he has to endure to get better. It is extremely hard to not cry in front of your child so they see you as strong and they take your strength and put it into themselves so they too can be just as strong and confident in their ability to get through tough situations.  I am not this strong all the time, or even most of the time. I don’t see myself as a strong person in this. I feel weak actually.  I’m told otherwise, but it doesn’t matter what anyone tells me, its how I feel.  I feel like i should be strong like the other mothers who never seem to cry over this. Who are just determined to get through it and go on to the next step to recover.  As i said at the top, optimism isn’t one of my strong traits. Lots of times being beat down emotionally over the years causes me to spiral. One small bad tiny seed will spiral me down until that seed has bloomed into a forest of negativity and weighty depression. And crying, lots of it.   But, today, there wasn’t any of that.  A good friend came to visit and brought me Pennsic booty that she and another friend picked up for me in their shopping travels.  The company was just lovely too as she regaled me with her adventures in our little medieval Brigadoon.  (sorely miss going..next year, for sure!)

Now, as I finish typing this entry up, the skies are darkening and the stars are beginning to dot the sky. Kyle has settled in for the night and I hear my knitting calling. I’ve spent time virtually with my youngest playing some Warcraft and I’ve chatted it up with my hubby…who i miss so much right now.   Today, I had no pessimistic thoughts.  Well, I cant say that exactly. One tried to get the better of me and take away the happiness I was feeling and i shoved it down swearing at it and grasped the hand of Joy in my head (You know..blue hair, gold glow..all bubbly) and continued on my task.  Today I call it a win. I beat back the blackness that so often takes control of my brain in all this that I am dealing with.

One day at a time. That is the best I can do. Today was a good day and tomorrow I’ll shoot for the same thing.

I call that a win.