Baby Steps

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Tis the season for emotional roller coasters. Especially when COVID is happening and cutting you off from the ones you love. Christmas at home this year, just like Thanksgiving was. I have disappointed my family yet again because I dont want to be the cause of inadvertently bringing any illness down to them. Suck it up!

The SCA BoD announced the other day that in person events are now canceled through May 31st 2021. I will admit this hit me way harder than I thought it would. I got choked up and angry. I miss my friends. I miss dressing up. I miss laughs and hugs. I miss discussions with others on research and embroidery techniques, garb construction, etc. I understand completely why they did it. It still makes me angry. I think I’m angry more at the illness causing this complete upheaval in everyone’s lives and not the decision they have made for the safety of all. Its just the fact that this forced hermit like lifestyle is getting to me. I know..a friend has stated every day, this too shall pass. #spanishflu2020

So on black friday i ordered a new steel bedframe and mattress for my oldest as somehow he destroyed his. Like, worn holes and broken springs destroyed. Yea..I can’t figure it out either. Its four years old. Anyway, Sam’s club online had these great deals. So, we ordered a new hybrid mattress for him and a new frame for it. Got the mattress a week ago (later than they said I would). The bedframe however, was somehow “lost” after a shipping label was made. So, after two online chat customer service reps, they stated they’d ship another expedited for the inconvenience I had been put in. I checked the new tracking number I got Monday and as of today, its saying it will get here Friday but as of right now when i checked the tracking number, it is still at the warehouse. I got on chat again and was told by “Ana” that they didnt know what was happening and she’d send it to a special dept to check it out. Which would take 24-72 hours. So, either way, I wont get an answer until after the day its suppose to be here…IF it gets here that day. I doubt California to NY will happen by Friday. So this whole rant brings me to the moral of the story: Sam’s club online sucks! Stick to shopping for what you need at their store and not rely on online. I feel like their customer service lines are just there to tell you “we’ll check into it, we are so sorry”. They lost me as a customer.

On the weight loss front, I have been slowly increasing my steps each day. I have been consistently getting up to 5000+ steps in and I try to do a couple hundred more each day. I am drinking a lot more water.. at least the minimum 64 oz but, I’m shooting for a gallon a day in the not too distant future. I noticed some clothing is less snug so I call it a win. I have decided to cut portions, limit bread and sugar and try to eat less take out. I feel like if I cut things completely out of my life it will make me crave them more and then over do it one day. Small portions of sweets every once in a while keeps the mind set that it isnt forever gone or a forbidden food. I feel better about this, like this is more feasible to stick with for the rest of my life. I don’t want to lose this weight super fast, i want it to be slow going so that my skin can shrink with it.

Alright…work to do. More later.

Ciao!!

Crap Day Yesterday

Posted on by Jennifer GB

(written last night but post didnt go through for some reason)

I had a list of stuff to do. Work out, pick the garden, laundry, plant bulbs…I crossed one thing off. An allergy attack that hit last night wiped me out today. I hate the fall and this is a big reason. I feel like a total slacker. I wanted to weight train. Be productive. Get some steps in too but instead I vegetated and went through a box of tissues while watching “Ratched”. (Weird ass show…let me tell you).

Tomorrow we have plans that involve the whole day so I still won’t get to work on my list. I might be able to squeeze the 15 mins weight train video in before I get the day going.

The whole day was blah. Overcast and dreary and I felt like I had my own personal black cloud over my head. Isolated is a good description. Left out. This pandemic makes me feel like I’m losing friends. Definitely losing touch.

I sound maudlin. Going to bed to end this day.

Ciao

Another Fresh Start…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Yea, I’m writing this at near 5am on January 5th, 2020. I always have these entries written in my head before I log on…hours before I log on and then when I get to the keyboard.. *POOF*…gone. Old age? Early onset senility? Who knows. It goes along with walking into a room with something i wanted to do or get and forgetting by the time I get there.

So I am my BF’s house. We crashed here so we could hang out late into the evening and we didn’t have to drive back home which is near 90 minutes away. We brought the whole family..including our three dogs. My husband was not thrilled with this. Honestly he isnt thrilled with the whole leaving the house on the weekends kinda thing. It’s really quite annoying. When we dated, he said “I’ll go anywhere with you and do anything with you because I want to spend time with you.” I warned him i traveled a lot, visited friends long distance a lot (because of a medieval recreation group Ive been in for 27 years) and that he had to be ok with that. He agreed said he was fine with that. 7 years later, not so much. Maybe some background history is in order. He grew up a bit of a loner, his Dad having one of those jobs that moved them around every few years. He said making friends was pointless if he was leaving in a short amount of time. So, he’s content to come home and either putter around the house on the weekends or just relax watching t.v. or video games. I was raised differently. My family was very social. I was raised by two teachers so I lived in one home for 18 years before moving to my Grandmother’s house across the street after she passed away. We went to friends houses on the weekends, even during the week. Summers were spent traveling around and vacationing up in New Hampshire on a lake with another family for a week. I loved it. I had/have dreams of traveling and seeing various sites around the world. I’ve been to Ireland, Italy and a few spots in Canada as well as 2/3’s of the United States. I have a list of places I want to visit. Him…not so much. He says he wants to travel but i think deep down inside that isnt true. Yesterday driving up he complained about going somewhere where he will sleep on an uncomfortable bed, sit on an uncomfortable couch and be uncomfortable in general. Massive chip on the shoulder and just bitchy. “But if I dont go you’ll be pissed at me”. How the fuck am I suppose to feel after he says that statement and we are halfway to the destination?! Honestly it makes me question a lot of things I realize over the years we have been together. Sweet romantic gestures in our first couple years and now nothing. Yea i know…that happens a lot. That’s settling into a marriage right? But those are the things that made me fall in love with him. The gestures, the promises, the plans we made. And now? Now it’s come home from work, eat dinner and fall asleep on the couch watching manly reality tv. (FYI I HATE reality tv. DRAMA! DRAMA! DRAMA!!) Take out dinner once a week. No desire to go anywhere on the weekends. No desire to do the home improvements we want to do because he’s tired (construction worker) and wants to relax. (then why did we buy a fixer upper house for God’s sake?!?!)

Yeah, I know. I’m ranting.I’m focusing on the bad. Every spouse has complaints and such they don’t like about their spouse after years of being together. I love him, but its a love/hate relationship sometimes. I’m sitting here with one of the dogs that had to go out at 3am. None of the other dogs would settle because we didn’t bring their crates. The one dog had a couple accidents (never has them at home) so I am thoroughly embarrassed about that even though they had no problems with it. He moped around on the sofa the whole night not saying a word and being completely antisocial. It looked like he was pouting at the fact that he couldnt be napping incessantly on the couch at home. I thought the bed was as comfortable as our own but it was a bit warm in the room (hell we crack a window in the winter..we like a cool bedroom to sleep in) so I stayed downstairs and lounged on the couch with the the one pooch I took outside. She settled and napped but now she’s whining and wanting her two “siblings”. Im dwelling and stewing over everything.

Then I thought, perhaps he acts this way because he has anxieties that he is afraid to tell me about? i know he has them about some simple things like answering the house phone and going to the bank for some reason. (don’t ask I don’t get it either) But my question is, could that be it? I dont know. But its making me want to just LEAVE him home and go do the things I want to do on the weekends like travel and visit friends with my boys. I love him. I’m not leaving him..but damn it there has to be some kind of compromise or something so that love/hate doesnt become more hate than love.

What do you think? And now the dog is whining to go out again. I think the chew bone my friends gave her as a christmas present didnt agree with her. Joy. Next posting with be more positive, about the holidays and such which were wonderful!

Ciao…dog duties call.

Gumption….it’s gone missing!

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Well, I can’t help but laugh (cause i cried enough yesterday) but my other lunch date today canceled as well. That is six in two weeks. You just can’t make this shit up, seriously. This has put a damper on my day but, honestly, I was kinda expecting this. I texted the friend last night asking if we were still on and he didn’t reply. Texted again this morning and got “Would you be horribly upset if we changed the lunch date again?” (yep, they did this last week, too). Told him I had tons of plans and would have to check my calendar. Needless to say, I won’t. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So, I hit McDonalds for a bunless burger and diet coke and went home after running my lucet W/cording to one of the local SCA shire heads for a demo tomorrow (which sadly I can’t attend due to prior commitments). I am now home to work on sewing for two friends. Problem is the “I don’t wanna”‘s are strong today. Usually once I get going, I am good and fine with it. Its the getting going that I have the problem with. The usual is happening. Fall is here and the SAD is setting in. I hate the cold, the damp, the cold damp, falling leaves, lack of the color green outside and even more, snow. *shudders* I want to hibernate during the winter, sit by the fire under a quilt and knit or embroider, have groceries delivered and never go outside except to take the dogs out for business and wait for the coming blossoms of spring. Summer is the true weather of my people! Give me heat, sunshine, cushy grass to walk barefoot on and a pool to swim in and lounge by with an iced beverage, preferably of the adult variety.

I need to get off my ass and get sewing. When my son gets home, I have to go work with him at his job for his first day actually working the department he is going to be in. His job coach will come next week. Tonight, I’m the job coach. Blarg. I love him and am so proud of him for getting a job…for wanting to get a job too…that I want to see him succeed. Hopefully its only for two hours.

RIGHT! Going to the basement to sew…after I find a good movie to watch down there. Ciao!

Courtesy… It’s a thing

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I can’t help but sit here and self analyze myself and wonder if I am a good person or not. Am i awkward to spend time with? Unknowingly rude? Do I smell? (I mean I do shower ever day..) In the last two weeks, a several friends have canceled their plans with me. One I can see. Two, ok. Four?! The one for today was a lunch date to happen right after an appointment I had and when I mentioned it during said appointment, they said they couldn’t go because a client booked time with them before they could block it off. They’d known for two weeks and it kept slipping htheir mind to tell me they couldn’t go. I have no words…well I have words but they are emotional because four cancellations in two weeks adds up emotionally inside me and this was the icing on the proverbial cake.

Helluva way to start blogging again after a year off. Oh well.

Pursuit of Happiness..

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Happy. A word I have not used very often in the last several months.  I have been stressed, worried, sleep deprived, lonely and isolated at times and also spread very thin like so much butter on toast. My life became working, doing what I had to in order to keep the household going and my self care became secondary. I said “fuck it” to my diet and medication towards it and I know I have gained some of the weight I lost back in comfort eating (OM NOM NOM KRUSTY BREAD AND BROWNIES). I have not knit in weeks having finished my last project and buckled down to finish a committed embroidery project for the kingdom (SCA, FYI) which I did enjoy and looked great in my opinion. Most everything I did was what I HAD to do. Obligations I needed to fulfill. Happiness was fleeting and yes, I had brief moments of it, like when my son went a day or so without stomach illness from his chemo or that he ate solid food voluntarily, asking for it.  When my youngest would do his chores the first time I asked instead of repeated requests to take out the trash, pick up his Nerf darts before the dog ate them, do his laundry, etc.

These last two weeks, other than keeping a committed watch on my oldest to see if he spiked a fever, I can honestly say I have been happy.  It has come to my realization that my happiness is hinging on the wellness of my oldest of late. I worry about him so much with these treatments and how to keep him up both in weight and health. I’m constantly scrubbing his bathroom down. Diligent about his regimen of medications and shots and constantly trying to get him to eat food. I’m a bear about people using hand sanitizer that come to the house and making sure they are well before they come to begin with. If he is doing well, it allows my brain (as well as the rest of me) to relax and enjoy my surroundings.  This last week has been the best I felt in a while emotionally. Physically a little run down, as I managed to catch a sinus cold that lasted a day or two but has caused poor sleep patterns the whole week.

Last night, the neighbor called to let me know that today was the towns Apple Festival and its also the day that people do their last yard sale. This got me very excited! I love my town!   You’re probably asking…why?! Alright..side story. Everyone has seen E.T., right? Who hasn’t, right?! Remember the scene with all the kids walking around on Halloween? Glowing jack o lanterns everywhere, hundreds of kids walking around in glorious and creative costumes? That wonderful small town community you always read about? That’s what I have where I live. I love it here. The only thing I mildly dislike is the fact that we have to get our mail from a post office instead of having it delivered. Want to know why? The people of the community voted it to be that way so they could all socialize at the post office. And they do! Every one waves to you when you’re driving around or walking.  They stop to have a conversation..even in their car in the middle of the street. Its small but it has a lot. Dental office, fitness studio, gas station convenience mart combo, chiropractor, acupuncture, tiny pharmacy, bank, dance studio, barber, Dollar General, adorable library, a tiny town hall with some of the most friendliest people you’ve met. There is a great park a block away from my house. There is the fire house where they hold the cute carnival every year and the streets half shut down for it.  A Boy Scout troop at the local church. Local town sports association for the younger kids. The typical pizzeria, Chinese food, cutely named deli and a diner up the street. All within two miles of where I live. Down the road a few more miles is the just most wonderful little market called the Apple Bin that makes the best apple cider donuts and chocolate chip scones I’ve ever eaten. The store itself looks like something from Little House on the Prairie. Minus the spiders ALL THE PLACES, its my little bit of heaven and we found a wonderful house on a dead end street surrounded by trees in the middle of it. We even have great neighbors!

So, my youngest and his friend took a shift selling apple crisp at the festival for their Boy Scout Troop.  My husband and I, both lovers of a good yard sale, put the leash on Rolo, grabbed a couple bags (cause we actually are courteous and pick up the poo when he goes) and went out for a walk on the town to peruse the sales. Lots out there, but we settled on a replacement curling iron for myself (identical to the one I had but damn near new!!), and under the desk exercise bike for office jobs and a nice fur coat that I can rip apart for the viking garb. Its a lovely blond color and its rabbit fur. Hey, for five bucks, you cant go wrong with that. We ran into friends several times on our walk.   Rolo got to finally  meet a few dogs but he was a bit afraid around them even though they were all very friendly to him.  ALL the people stopped to pet him, say how cute he was, gush all over him and one couple even asked for the breeders name so they could contact her.  When we got back home, I ran a load of laundry and hung it on the line. We sat on the sun porch with cold drinks enjoying the glorious weather we were having. 70 degrees, low humidity and a nice breeze.  It was just a beautiful day and as I was sitting here waiting for LFR to pop in WoW, I realized I was happy and not just that but I had been happy for pretty much most of this past week.  Last night I started a pair of socks to put on the etsy store.  It feels good to be knitting again. I am doing that and working on an embroidery project.  I feel good. I feel happy. Im still a little tired, but it doesn’t damper the happiness I am feeling right now.

Kyle is at the halfway point in his treatments. Being over the proverbial hump and going down towards the second half feels good. The “road map” as they call it has a little over half a dozen more inpatient stays and that makes me feel good that the number is dwindling down.  We still have not made any plans till this is done in regards to weekend activities or vacations or the like. Just taking things day by day, week by week.  Make a Wish foundation came by to visit with him and ask what he wanted. We are unsure if they will grant it or not but, he asked for “a pool and a deck like at Aunt Colleen’s old house”.  They really couldn’t get anything else out of him that he wanted. Let’s face it, he’s a kid that knows what he wants.  We shall see if that is feasible to grant it. Its not like they can do anything with it now anyway being nearing the end of September.

The air has a crisp chill and fresh smell to it. Its suppose to be pretty chilly tonight. We have the windows open and even though my allergies are acting up from it, I love it. Perhaps we’ll light the fire-pit tonight and cook smores.  Right now, life feels pretty good. I hope this feeling lasts for a while. I know this whole thing has ups and downs but i am hoping for more ups than downs here on out.

Oh, and friends? There are so many of you that asked what you can do for us. The best thing you can do is keep in touch. Reach out to us..me. Call. IM. Email. Communication is what we need. Knowing you are still out there. Sometimes it feels like when the diagnosis was spoken, many said “let me know how I can help” and faded back from us. I need your company even if its just virtual.  With having to put our life on hold to give him all that he needs, it feels very isolating and a little lonely.  I miss my friends. I miss the SCA. I miss taking pictures. I miss wearing garb! I miss pageantry! The banners flying in the wind! The clash of weapons in the lists! The smell of glorious foods cooking and wafting from the kitchens. I miss life and the socializing.  Please, Stay in touch.

I am in pursuit of happiness everyday now. Im trying to find it in even the smallest things in each day.  I will not let this beat me and it certainly wont beat him. He is my ARMS warrior and he will beat this. I love my boy!

Exhaustion, Depression and Stress..OH MY!

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I opened Facebook this morning and saw a stunning picture of friends in front of glorious scenery on their vacation abroad and while I was so happy for them that they saw such wondrous views and had these fabulous experiences and OH MY GLOB that waterfall was just breathtaking….I burst into tears.  Not really the reaction I was expecting to come from myself. Quite shocking actually. Admittedly, I was envious of them. I adore them completely, I have no ill feelings in even the slightest towards them and their various trips they take I live vicariously through their pictures grinning from ear to ear and vowing I will go there someday, but I am envious.  I am finding a lot of late, that i am envious of what everyone is doing, the lives their living. They are living…..LIVING!! I feel like I am barely surviving each day and each day it is a struggle to do that.

The old saying that goes something along the lines of three steps forward, two steps back (or however it goes) I think is going to be my new mantra. When I feel like I get a handle on things, something trips me up or shoves me back a bit. This morning started with challenges (like waking at 3 am and not getting back to sleep) and try as I might to not let it set my mood for the day, it did.  It started with something as small as my son not brushing his teeth…for several days because he never unpacked his overnight bag from a sleep over. I mean..come on!! Yea, I know..he’s 12 and I should know better. I guess I underestimate my kids in hoping they will do basic hygiene every day without me having to remind them to do it. *smacks forehead* How silly of me!  Lesson learned: 12 year old boys don’t care nor think about these things. (Note to self: Start taping reminder notes to their mirrors and computer screens) I became very angry over this situation. Probably more so than I should have. I yelled. He cringed. The puppy cowered. I stormed out to go to work feeling like worse Mom in the world.

Now, today was to be the first therapy appointments for he and I. Being majorly stressed at all that has happened and is happening in our lives of late, I was very much looking forward to it. I should have known that it wouldn’t be that easy, it never seems to be in my life.  Mind you, i worked for a couple weeks with a case worker through my insurance company to find the right therapist that would fit for both my son and I. They took my insurance as well.  This morning at 8:30, the therapy office called to tell me my son’s insurance was canceled at the end of January and they couldn’t find me in the system. I felt my heart skip and start to beat faster and I think my eye even started to twitch a little.  After a call to the insurance company to verify we were still there and active, which we were, I called the office back. It was then they said they did find us, but, as it turns out, they don’t take the plan type that we have with said insurance company. However, they could set up a private pay price so that I could keep the appointment.  At this point I can now feel my pulse in my neck and temples and the angry tears started brimming in my eyes and I believe the next words I said were “Are you fucking kidding me!?” came out of my mouth and the lady uttered an oh my seemingly shocked to her foundations that I had the audacity to swear. Can someone please tell me why these offices can not check out the insurance eligibility prior to the few hours before the appointment?!  I promptly told her to cancel the appointments as I would not be keeping them since they didn’t take our policy and I certainly don’t have the funds to pay for their “private pay” fee.   Weeks communicating with a case worker named Johanna at our insurance company via email and phone calls and she couldn’t even tell that this place didn’t take my plan type?! Isn’t that this case worker’s job? To confirm these little details before saying Go ahead and make an appointment?  I called the insurance company back yet again and well, she couldn’t answer my call right now and would get back to me.  Right after that, the hospital calls to say I have to come back down (after I just left there yesterday afternoon from being there this whole weekend) so that they can train me on how to run a pump for an NG tube for feedings.  I was there..for four days, and not once could they have shown me this while I was there and they were doing them? After being told earlier that a visiting nurse would come teach me at my home, I am now told I HAVE to come back down and do a 3 hour drive because they do not trust outside visiting nurses. There is now a red haze on the edges of my vision.

I feel utterly beaten down, deflated and broken. Thankfully I am at work alone right now because I sat at my desk here and bawled in complete frustration and anger for quite some time. When that happens, the mind wanders through the strangest things and you reflect on a hundred things that have nothing to do with the insurance company but only further you’re growing depression over the situation and what life has thrown at you. My brain decided to reflect on my missed vacations due to health reasons with my husband last year..then this year with my oldest son’s..not to mention caused us to post pone our wedding and cancel a honeymoon all together. It reminds me of how poorly I feel i am handling my life right now which consists of work, trying to maintain the house and the rotating hospital stays for treatment or pop up fevers and try to raise another child who is also dealing with the stresses of a sibling with a major illness and acting out accordingly. Oh yea..and a puppy who seems to be have an endless amount of poop and always has accidents no matter how many times we take him outside to do his business. He reminds me of one of those play-doh extrusion toys!   In one end and out the other almost immediately! My brain decided to remind me of just how much life I was missing and all the fun I was not having. All the life we are not living.  I feel like the most selfish person in the world right now. I feel like I should be able to push all this aside and be that good strong person and focus entirely on his treatment and be that positive, uplifting supermom i should be. I am not. I feel like a failure on top of the extreme selfishness.

I know..this isn’t forever. I have had multiple people state that to me to try to help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. FYI: It doesn’t help.  I know that when he is cured and back to his old self this will be something to reflect on as a struggle we got through and move in with our life.  But that time is not here yet. There are still months ahead of us in going through his treatment to reach that end goal. Hard, tough, stressful, painful months. We are barely half way in all this and I pray I can make it all the way through mentally and hell..even physically. I am trying to take it one day at a time so as not to feel overwhelmed, which is a monstrous feet in of itself. I have a feeling I will end up on some type of anxiety/stress medication and almost definitely something for blood pressure before the end of all this. I am fried.

I did warn you at the creation of this blog it wasn’t going to be all rainbows and unicorns and sunflowers, right? Right?!