It’s Just One of Those Days…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Wake up. Go to work. Pick up boys from work. Go home. Sleep. Rinse, repeat.

That has pretty much what my life has been for some time now and I am not that upset about it. It has been calm and quiet. Everyone is well, everyone seems relatively happy. There have been various things like I got a promotion at work which came with a descent pay raise. My student loans were forgiven and the relief that has given me to know I don’t have that debt hanging over my head anymore is wonderful! I believe my husband feels the same way. Office life is pretty good. New job has its stressful days but its the workload that can be stressing, not the work itself. I’ve become pretty good at “leaving it at the office” and not bringing it home. Took me a while to realize that there are no merit based raises and that I didn’t need to do all the things because the percentage raise I would get is the same from year to year whether I was doing excellent or just satisfactory.

I have done something I thought I would never do: I applied to graduate school for a Masters in Science for Rehabilitation Counseling. There is a scholarship that will pay for all the tuition through the state. I talked to several friends who I am very close to and asked their advice on going back to college and pretty much all of them said a free Master’s degree is not something you turn down. The pay increase to become a counselor is something like 20K + a year more than I am making now. I had my interview for entrance into the program the other day. I feel like I totally botched it but my coworkers who are currently in the program said I didn’t and were very comforting. I was pretty upset. I have some really great coworkers. A couple of them wrote recommendation letters for me for my application. They are very reassuring and have offered to help me with schooling and my studies.

Its Friday, work is nearly done and the weekend is upon us. Its time to start the garden and ill be buying many bags of dirt and fertilizer to get it going. Its time to plant peas and lettuce. More later. Im determined to blog more about my boring and every day life. But right now, its about time to leave and there is a glass of Cardbordeaux sangria in my very near future. Ciao!

It was rough last week…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

It’s Monday. It’s raining and cool out. The “I don’t wannas” are strong this morning. It was very difficult getting out of bed, perfect sleeping in conditions. This past week was rough, the weekend even more so.

Over Easter weekend I spent that Saturday in the ER because my oldest had a seizure three days after being weaned off the meds. I don’t know if it was from going off the meds as my brother in law suggested or if its something else. All the brain scans came back negative. They put him back on the meds for now. We’ll get a couple other tests done.

Wednesday, I spent the morning in the ER with my husband, who’d taken a fall in the rafters of a roof and ripped the skin back on his forearm on nails sticking out of one of the boards. He got six stitches with steri-strips. They’d have put more in but since he’s allergic to lidocaine or Novocain or any of those types of meds, they had to stitch him without any numbing agent. He said it only hurt a little bit. He never flinched so he is either good at hiding it or the fact that it didn’t really do any damage under the skin kept the nerve damage down.

Also on Wednesday, my friend Ernie, lost his battle with colon cancer, which he’d been battling since 2019. It hit me hard. He was a very good friend, a teacher and a surrogate father. I was warned he most likely wouldn’t make it through the night by my best friend who was also close to him, so my very understanding boss let me go early from work so I could get up there and say goodbye. He was heavily drugged for the pain with hydromorphone so he wasn’t very alert. I held his hand and talked to him and told him how much me and my family loved him, how he affected our lives and gave him a hug and kiss. He squeezed my hand a few times. I know he could hear but alertness and verbal response was not there. While talking to his wife about some topic i cant recall, he shook his head quickly no in disagreement to it, so I knew he could hear. His breathing was very labored because of the tumors in his lungs. It was so painful seeing him that way after knowing him for over 20 years as a boisterous, happy, laughing man. I left at 8pm when visiting hours were over and drove the hour home in tears. At 10:20pm, my best friend called to say he was gone. I cried and cried. I didn’t sleep the rest of the night. I called off work the next day because I was too emotional to deal with work, but also I looked like I went five rounds with Mike Tyson in a prize fight and lost. I cried most of the morning reading stories and seeing pictures on Facebook that people were sharing. I went back to work Friday. He was buried Saturday with full military honors. So many people came! Id bet there had to be at least a hundred people there and i know of at least a dozen that lived a distance away that couldnt make the trip for various reasons, that wanted to be there. People spoke good memories of him, some making us laugh and some cry. I was a pallbearer to carrying him out of the hearse and onto a stand for the “viewing”.

It was natural burial with no casket. He was a veteran and buried in his uniform, on a board and wrapped completely in what looked like muslin fabric with hemp handles for carrying him. He was laid to rest in the ground right into the dirt. No concrete vault like they do with a casket. I like that idea. I was thinking about being cremated but I think this sounds better…feeding the trees.

Afterwards we had a wake and there was so much food!!! So many stories told, so many laughs. I think he would have loved it and he was smiling down from above. I went home afterwards and sat on my sunporch listening to classical music, knitting and decompressing. A real whopper of a thunderstorm blew in and lasted for about an hour. It was awesome.

I will miss that man so much. I feel like there is a hole in me because he’s gone. It will take a long time to heal and it will leave a scar I’m sure. Rest in peace, Ernie, and if you wouldn’t mind, say hi to my Dad for me and that I love him.

Ernie Sanford-Martinez 11/14/46 – 4/12/23

Being Oblivious

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I try to walk through this world making as little waves as possible. I have always put others happiness before my own. So when someone I care about told me they hold resentments towards me, let me tell you it shook me to my core. I was rendered speechless. How do you deal with that? What did I do? How do I fix it? Can I even fix it? I’m sitting here wondering what I’d done to form resentment and I can only come up with my kids. I’ve been told I’m a helicopter mom. I put their needs before my own. I am too lenient with them. I don’t push them enough and maybe their right. One kid has survived cancer and let me tell you watching your child go through that when all I wanted to do was to be able to take that away from him so he wasn’t in pain, weak, sick, struggling…it changes you. It makes you paranoid over the second child and what could happen to him. Maybe I have let them get away with more than I should have and protecting them has always come first. I need to get past that I suppose. I know even I feel I’ve let my youngest get away with not growing up for lack of a better word. Maybe it will bite me in the ass when I am pushing him more, which I am doing. But, never, never did I think it would cause someone to resent me. How does one handle being told that?! I feel I am naive in all this. I feel like a bloody idiot.

It is now I realize I need to find a therapist to speak with. I can’t deal with everything on my own and that my mental health needs to come first. I feel like I have years worth of issues I need to deal with. Taking that first step is the hardest and scariest.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” – Dao De Jing

Self-Care Monday..

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Usually it’s Sunday but we had appliance issues and I never got out of the house. This morning, I went for a pedicure and splurged on a more expensive one since this was something I had not done since June. Kept meaning to, but something always came up or I was in a rut not wanting to leave the house. Well, let me tell you it was glorious! I had a Lemon something pedicure that was suppose to aid the lymphatic system, relieve stress, yadda, yadda, yadda. Im not sure how much of those claims are true but it smelled like sweet lemon and made me think of Italy. They mudded my feet and legs, they sugar scrubbed, they wrapped my feet in hot wax and put little booties on my feet and on top of that, the girl gave a great massage. And with the chair giving me a back massage at the same time, I seriously nearly fell asleep in the chair! I now have coral sparkly toes! After that I had the eyebrows touched up and I was done!

I ducked into the Dollar Tree (which is no longer “everything is a dollar” its now $1.25!) to look at containers for organizing my craft room, which is nearly finished. It needs new flooring and a door. We have at least picked out a vinyl plank flooring we like from Home Depot, now to just figure out how much we’ll need and buy it. Hubby said he would build me some grand crafting table for the room that I can sew on, cut out fabric and do tutorials for knitting and embroidery. Its taken over two years to get to this point! Ill be glad when I can nest and set everything up!

Included in self-care Monday is a dental cleaning. I wish I had booked this for early in the day but I think I had no idea I was off and put it to as late as possible to minimize time off of work. Have I mentioned I hate going to the dentist? Yea, that.

Well, the day can’t completely be Self-Care so off to do more laundry and take these organizer bins down to the craft room.

Ciao!

2023 is All About Me!

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Yea, I’m a poet and I didn’t know it. Anyway, I spent New Years with my friends like we do every year. A lovely time was had by all, though it was hard to stay up to midnight and watch the ball drop. It was just me and the three teenagers. I was glad I did.

I plan on focusing on me. What I want to do. What I want to make. Getting in better shape and health. Finishing unfinished projects that have been in limbo for so long (*cough, cough* basementrenovation *cough,cough…gives evil eye to hubby*)

I want to rationalize the money I spend. Take a pause when I see something Im about to buy and think is this something I actually need or is it an impulse buy? Put more in savings for something down the road like traveling.

I want to learn more. Since I started dating my now husband, he took over the cooking in exchange for I do all the laundry. While this is great for me, it means my cooking talents have gotten lost. I also have no imagination except for really simple things. Im great cooking italian but other then that I stand in front of the fridge or freezer completely uninspired. I started compiling a list of thing I wanted to do or learn.

-Take some cooking lessons. I want to be able to look at whats in the fridge or pantry cabinets and come up with something tasty and fun or interesting for dinner. Something my picky boys will eat too.

-Start taking guitar lessons again. Years ago when my boys were young, I was taking lessons in PA at a local music shop. I had to quit because their Dad got overtime and I had no sitter for them to go to the lessons. Now, they are 18 and 21 so no worries about needing a sitter.

-Yoga. I have never tried yoga. I have always had the mindset that because I’m overweight that I would not be able to perform the moves. I had given up before Id even tried. That changes now.

-More art and creativity in my life. I knit. I embroider. I feel like I’m in a rut though. I cross stitch, which i have done since I was 7. I do free embroidery where i draw the image on a transfer medium and then use that as a template. But, thanks to Pinterest and Instagram, I have found so many different types of projects, embroidery techniques and styles and I WANT TO TRY THEM ALL!!! So, break out of my rut, my comfort zone and try something new. My Pinterest board has so many ideas pinned it would take me a lifetime..or more to try them all.

-Organization and housekeeping. My house is pretty clean. With three corgis there is dog hair and of course, dust (which is the chore i hate the most). Years ago my Mom use to use this index card system that sorted the chores into days of the week. I want to say it was called The Fly Lady system. Monday you would vacuum and do two loads of laundry. Tuesday you would dust and run the dishwasher. Wednesday: clean the bathroom..etc., etc. with chores for each day of the week. Its purpose was to not make you feel overwhelmed and things got done and didn’t take a lot of time. I think each chore card had an estimated time of how long it would take. I remember helping my mother (I was maybe 10?) as part of my chores. She’d always give us the little ones like dusting the end tables. But anyway, to get into something like that again.

-Read more. While I love having paper books in my hand to read, it isn’t always feasible. Therefore my Kindle app or Audible app keeps me reading when Im someplace and do not have a book with me. On facebook, I shared a post from someone else about suggesting books to me to read and there is quite a few listed in the responses. I’ve made a list by my computer to check them off and read them before 2023 ends. Also, some classics. Kindle usually offers them for free.

-The big one: learn to love myself. In truth I don’t hate myself, I hate my body. Im very overweight and its hard to drop any weight between medical conditions and serious injuries ive suffered over the years (broken back, herniated disks in neck and low back, etc). I want to look in the mirror and not hate myself. Not feel badly about walking in front of a mirror that is lower than my upper chest. I see these women on Tiktok who have such confidence and self love (and yes I’m sure its not every day and that they have their bad days) but one in particular use to be a model I believe and then had children and as lots of women do, she gained weight. She is happy that way because she isn’t starving herself and having food intake constantly at the forefront of her mind. I want to be like that. This is a change in thought process, which is not easy. I grew up with a parent that was very concerned with how you looked, dressed, whether you wore lipstick, if your hair was coifed, etc. If you put on weight (which with puberty is when I started to) she would let you know it and lets just say tact is not something she knows. But I digress. I want to love myself more.

I know my goals are probably the same as many, many people in the world. I purposely will not put deadlines on them (especially the weightloss ones) because I dont want it to be “I hit the date, reached my goal, Im done!” I want this to go on and on for the rest of my days. Broaden my mind. Self improvement. Learn as much as I can.

Well, Its about time to start dinner.

Ciao!

Wonderful Weekend

Posted on by Jennifer GB

This weekend, was wonderful, as the title says. Saturday, I traveled to New Hampshire to Mayhem Tattoo in Salem where a friend works. He revitalized my old tattoo on my left wrist of my boys names as it has faded greatly in 16 years, and added two small charms to it. On my right wrist on the underside, he inked the memorial tattoo for my father who passed in July. He was a Ham Radio operator for as long as i have been alive. A friend on Facebook, who had chatted with each other on the radio, replied to my announcement with “W2ZY SK”. I asked what the SK was for, he said it stood for silent key which is what is used when an operator either passes away or no longer broadcasts. It inspired me and I designed a tattoo to memorialize him and his hobby. When it was done being applied (is that the right word to use? LOL), I cried. Later that night my sister and her family drove up to spend the weekend. It was the request of my niece for her 12th birthday to come up and visit us. On Sunday we all went apple picking. It was a gorgeous day. The farm we went to was mobbed! Apparently the prime day to apple pick. Well the eight of us probably picked close to 100 pounds of apples between us! We also got apple cider donuts and apple cider. After a couple hours we all went home. Hubby started applesauce and grilled steaks outside with my brother in law. Sis and I relaxed on the couch watching some tv and the kids “plugged in”. After a yummy dinner, Sis and Brother in law went to the Headless Horseman Halloween event they have every year. It was awesome! Lots and lots of walking but fun. It took two hours to get through all of it and when we got home, we collapsed. Between apple picking and headless horseman we walked a lot. Not being able to wear my watch to count steps I have no idea how much I walked. Sunday, we just relaxed, had ice cream cake for my niece as her birthday is in a couple days and she turns 12 and then they left to drive back home. I may have cried a little when they left. I didn’t want them to leave. I love the company of my sister and her family. Its always laid back and fun when we spend time together. I miss that so very much and never get enough of it. They talked about moving up this way when her husband retires from the township job he works at. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t a lot excited when i heard this. But that’s a way off and lots of things can happen between now and then. I’ll wish for it quietly in my head every day though. Well, work calls as I’m writing this on my lunch break. It was such a good weekend that I didnt even mind coming back to work today.

Ciao!

Death Sucks

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Happy Birthday, Dad. Today you would have been 75 years old. It’s also two months to the day from when you passed. You were an amazing Dad and I miss you terribly. You taught me so much but there was so much more I wanted to learn. I love you so much…always will. I pray you are not in pain anymore and are happily playing with your pets that have passed and throwing back a few beers with your buddies already up there. Watch over us, Kyle thinks and hopes you are already. Drop by on occasion and say hi if you’re able.

I love you, Pop.

Summer has Faded

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I had started a post back at the beginning of July I never got to finish, which I deleted. It started with the pain I was in from bad weather rolling through the area kicking my osteoarthritis into high gear and making me crabby. Making me depressed about how my life and health has gone since I was hit by the tractor trailer in 1997. The following week after that post, my father died suddenly. Yea..previous post paled in comparison so, yea.

Dad went in for aortic aneurysm repair, which was successful. Took a little while longer because of his weight but it got done and all was good. But then his gout kicked up in his knees and the doctors do not like to let you take your gout medication if your healing from a surgery. This prevented him from getting up and moving around post op. After some time and due diligence on my Sister’s part for getting previous medical records from his last surgery at a different hospital, they put him back on the meds which got Dad up and walking around. He was not long after, transferred to the rehabilitation facility to rebuild strength in his legs. A few days after being there, they found he had developed pulmonary embolisms from not getting up right away after surgery. Off to the ER he is rushed where they promptly admitted him to the ICU and gave him Heparin to get rid of the clots. He was there a couple days under observation, then they sent him back to the rehab. Two days later, the nurse walked in at 5am and found him gone. One of the clots had gotten loose and caused his death. He went quickly, I was told. My mother called me at 5:30 in the morning crying and telling me as she was running across the field to the rehab facility (which was next door to their home). I stood there in shock. I had just video chatted with him the previous night trying to help him with his phone, through my mom’s phone. How could he be gone? I called my sister and when she picked up she just said “I just don’t know what to say”. I walked into my bedroom still numb, thinking this was a mistake, and woke my husband and told him what happened. He was blown away too not believing it. I waited until the kids woke and told them. My oldest took it the hardest. He talked to his Pop-Pop every day on FB messenger. My youngest just got quiet and I could see him internalizing. That’s his way. That was July 27th.

Since that time, I’ve cried a lot. I picked up the phone to call him the one day and was halfway through dialing when i realized what I was doing and I promptly broke down. I was at work. I am so grateful I have an understanding sympathetic boss. She found me in my office and hugged me while i sobbed. My sister has done pretty much the same. Lucky for her she’s a homemaker and can deal in the privacy of her own home. Same with Mom. Mom, went the other way. Got very suspicious that everyone just wanted to take things from her that were Dad’s. Its made things hard for my sister and I in dealing with her. I have suggested several times to seek therapy and grief counseling. She hasn’t listened so far.

Tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 75. Its also the two month anniversary of the day he passed. Tomorrow will be very hard for me. I am going to still go to work because I think keeping my mind busy will be better than staying home and wallowing. I’m sure the whole week will be hard. I thought I would have my dad for at least another decade. I miss him terribly. Its not fair. We were a lot alike and I loved laughing with him. I get choked up knowing I will never answer my phone and hear my greet me with “Hi Princess!”…his pet name for me. Why, I have no idea because I was the tom boy of the family, always scuffing my knee, breaking bones, etc.

I went to a good friends wedding Friday afternoon. The groom danced with his daughter because his mother could not attend because of an illness. Seeing him dance with her made me think back to the day of my first wedding where he danced to “Daddy’s little Girl” with me. He was crying but tried hiding it by putting his head on my shoulder, wiping his tears on my gown. I was going to pick “Wind beneath my Wings” for our dance but I know that would have really put him over the edge. I took pity, lol. Thinking about it is making me tear up now.

I’m sorry Dad, that I didn’t come down to visit more often. I’m sorry I didn’t call more often. I have regrets, which I can do nothing about now except let eat at me. I love you Dad and I miss you so, so much. I hope you are watching from above. I hope your dog, Buddy greeted you at the gate along with your friends that passed before you and that you’re all sitting around drinking a beer and catching up. You deserve it.

Ciao

“Save Money, Get Frustrated, Wal-mart”

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Walmart’s motto “Save money, live better..” doesn’t really hold up. My local store here in upstate NY gives me a headache sometimes and mixed emotions. On one hand, my son works there part time as a zoner in the toy department where he’s been for going on three years. He does his job well and they are good with him since he is autistic. Keeping the shelves neat and tidy fits right in with his condition. He’s paid pretty well for being part time (more than I make an hour which is sad because I work for the State) and he seems to really like it.

On the other hand when I order groceries through them to be delivered, its always hit or miss. Yesterday they delivered an order while I was at work and the kids were home. When I saw the order they left, I realized they’d left out a case of water and ALL the refrigerated items that were on my list. Its not that they were out of them, they just didn’t bring them. So I started calling the store at the local number last night to get some assistance with it figuring I could pick up the items. No one is picking up the phone in the store. Not in electronics, not in deli, not in customer services and of course, not in Pick up/delivery. Now, pharmacy answered and they transferred me to customer service where it rang for five minutes straight and then went to a fast busy signal. I’ve been calling through the morning, since last night, and still no one is answering any of the phones in the store. I ended up doing the “missing items” refund request through the Walmart app on my phone. The total of missing items was $98. Needless to say their customer service sucks balls. Id go elsewhere but I’m not miss money bags and the other grocery stores in the area are more expensive. Delivery is easier because of the hours I work and saves me money because I’m not impulse buying when in the store and usually hungry when I shop (so, so bad). That’s my gripe for right now through I could write about my whiny spouse and him getting upset because one kid has another cold and how he’ll get it for sure, and has only been healthy for about a week in the last three months and how frustrated he is and how he threw a tantrum and went to bed before 8pm last night…but…..well I just did, LOL!

Seriously, I need a week by myself on a warm and sunny beach in Positano Italy with the smell of Amalfi lemons wafting through the air. Someone please get that for me as a present.

Anyway, back to the old grind.

Ciao!

Fuck Cancer

Posted on by Jennifer GB

After a real shit night of sleep, I get the news this morning that my friend and mentor that has been battling colon cancer that metastasized to his liver just found out they have four spots in their lungs…after a year of various treatments and surgeries. I. Am. Crushed. Trying very hard not to weep at work and grateful I have an office to hide in if I can’t keep the tears in check. My friend said she guesses they have maybe a year left. He’s been like a father figure for me and always there when I needed someone. He’s taught me a lot over the years and my heart is breaking he couldn’t get rid of it.

Im not sure if you’ve been here from the start but I began this blog when my oldest son was diagnosed with a rare kids cancer in 2016. After a year of a tough treatment regimen, he has been clear for five years and when he had his final scan in June, he was declared “cured” and now in survivorship status. He turns 21 in August.

So when I say any friend that has to deal with cancer just hits me hard. My friend is 75 and seems in good spirits I’m told but right now, I am not. I really just want to leave work and go home and drown myself in wine and chocolate. I plan on spending as much time as I possibly can with him over the next year and to the end. This is not the way I wanted to start my long weekend.

Alright. Time to at least LOOK like I’m working. Ciao.