Its just one of those days

Posted on by Jennifer GB

You know the kind. Nothing goes right no matter what you try. Last night it was knitting related. I was trying a new pattern, a shawl for a co worker that I got the design off of Ravelry. This is the pattern: https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/18-petale-de-rose
I started at lunch at work attempting this pattern. My friends have told me if I can do socks I can do anything since socks can be complicated. So, what the hell! I believed them and picked this up. Ordered the yarn for it off Amazon which took forever to be delivered because, come to find out, it was being shipped from Turkey. I really wish it would be more prominently displayed on Amazon where the item you’re interested in buying is shipping from. So I started the pattern during my lunch hour at work. I think I tore it out at least twice during that time and said I’d consult with my expert friends when I got home. So, I preceded to try again, tore it out. Tried a second time and was frustrated. Took a pic and sent to my friends. They’d never done it so, they were unsure either. Tried again two more times (so this is 6 total since lunch) and failed again. I growled loudly, tore it out again, wrapped it up and threw it across the room, giving up. Then I promptly poured a LARGE glass of wine and logged onto World of Warcraft and killed things in there for about two hours to burn out the frustration, then went to bed still stewing over it.

Technically a day is 24 hours so, this continued to this morning. Slept like crap after waking up in the middle of the night with a bought of acid reflux (probably from the wine) and had to take meds for that but took some time to get back to sleep so when the alarm went off, I was still exhausted. I’d have just called out but the lady I assist needs me to drive her to meetings today so, that wasn’t an option. Was doing prep for SCA Coronation this weekend, digging out some fabric to take to work to cut out (conference room table is huge and great for this) and was discussing it with my friend on her drive to work phone call, when she questioned how the drive for me was less than the drive for her to the site. So I then looked up the distance and drivetime to the event, which I planned on day tripping because I can’t afford a hotel room to stay up there when I’m going on vacation on the 10th with my kids to Florida, to realize it was almost four hours one way to the event site. Well, maybe 15 years ago I could gung ho it for almost four hours each way for an SCA event but not anymore. I annoyingly admitted defeat to myself, told my friend I guess I wasn’t going to be able to come and stopped digging for fabric to cut out at work. Hung up the phone and went to my computer to post on the group page I couldn’t attend. When I hit post, it marked it as spam and set it to pend for approval. (Anger amped up 10 fold). I have had this ongoing problem for about three or so months now that all my posts to groups I am a member of on Facebook are marked as spam and go to pending for approval. Even if the group does not have the posting settings set that way. I have contacted the help center, entered a bug report multiple times, found an email online where I can report a bug but got no response from that. I get no write backs from FB saying why its happening nor have they notified me that I had done something wrong to deserve what is happening when I post. (anger amped up another 10 fold) I don’t know about you reader (if there in fact are any out there) but this is the point where I messaged my friend and told her not to count on me to assist her during this reign because of the placement of events being all up north and not having the funds to constantly get hotel rooms. That my participation will most likely be all virtual because of it. And then, like a 10 year old having a melt down I typed to her that at this point with all the other issues I have dealt with in the SCA (posted on it previously) that I am at the point of being ready to quit it entirely and just say fuck it all.

So here I am, sitting at work typing out my frustrations instead of actually, you know, working. I leave in fifteen mins to take the counselor to the school for her meetings. Another counselor came in to tell me about work that has to be done ASAP (which all her work seems to have to be done that way) in my minute amount of time i have when I’ll actually be in the office and the only thing I actually want to do is go home, put on my jammies, crawl back into bed, have a good cry and go to sleep till 2025. Or at least till I leave for Florida on the 10th. I am so tired. But instead, I’m going to get the forms the counselor needs for the meetings, grab my sock knitting for between the meetings (because socks apparently are the only thing I’m good at knitting and should give up trying anything else), snag one of the energy drinks I have in the office fridge and drive to the local high school for the meetings and try not to fall asleep during them. If anyone has any energy to spare, please send it my way. Until later my friends

Ciao.

It’s Only Wednesday..

Posted on by Jennifer GB

…and the week is dragging. I so do not want to be at work today and am anxious for the three day weekend to get here. Work is normal…as normal as it could be. Its the busy season with graduations and college enrollments so we have to help out the students with that. Should slow down soon. I need to find a job within a school so I get more holidays off as well as summers and finish at 3pm. This 9-5 stuff is for the birds, LOL! I need to play the lottery and win. Id quit my job, pursue my hobbies and fix up my home with the renovations I am dreaming of doing. But, this is the dream of a lot of people I’m sure.

When I walked into work this morning, it felt like I was only here an hour ago instead of 15 hours ago. When you think about it, I am at work more hours in a day then I am awake hours in my home. I wake at 5:30am and putter around the house, make coffee, eat breakfast that hubby makes me (yes every morning, and Yes I know I am blessed) and get ready for work. Then I maybe do laundry, putter around on World of Warcraft a bit and then leave for work at 8am. I work till five and am home by 5:30 and because I’m old (hit 50 on the 19th of May) I’m usually in bed by 9:30. So, calculate that: 4 hours in the evening + 3.5 in the morning = 7.5 hours I am awake in my own home during the work week. In that time I have to squeeze in house work and chores like, laundry, dishes, cleaning bathrooms, playing with the corgis, etc. I hear in Italy they take two hour lunches each day. I only get half an hour for lunch at my job…and I work for the State! I keep trying to convince my husband to move the family it Italy. He said “the government is so corrupt there”….and ours isn’t?? LOL, in my opinion the food and the history and scenery of the country is worth it. Plus, free healthcare.

Well after ten years I finally got myself a new computer. I was going to build one but hubby found one with a video card that was almost equal to the price of the whole computer and when I did the math, was cheaper with that card then building a new one and using my old video card. So I am now the proud owner of an Alienware Aurora R10 Gaming desktop. Its so QUIET!! My old computer sounded like a hoover vacuum cleaner. I love it. Windows 11 is on it and it looks like they are trying to mimic what a MacBook Pro looks like with the icons in the middle of the bar at the base. Took a little getting use to but I love it. I am even getting into streaming at the encouragement of my youngest, who is streaming his games himself. I made a twitch name: Garavana. In case your interested at all. LOL! He has me learning how to make videos of what I stream/record. Wants me to make a YouTube channel. He’s hilarious. Like anyone would want to watch a 50 year old woman play World of Warcraft! I suppose if it makes me a little bit of money down the road its better than, IDK, trying to sell pictures of my feet? ROFLMAO!

I am starting a new page on WordPress for my arts and crafts. Its an update from my old blog on BlogSpot which is about 12 years old. (old blog: https://theembroideress.blogspot.com/ ) Going to continue it on this new WordPress page, which is still under construction: https://astheneedlepasses.com/ Just have to make it look a little bit nicer. If I could import the old blog I would but I am not that tech savvy when it comes to web sites.

Alright, should get back to work, break over.

Ciao!

Random Blog title #1

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I never know what to title these things. My entries tend to run through a rainbow of subject matter.

Right! So yesterday when I went out to drive my son to work, through on the standard issue New York State winter attire and stepped outside. I immediately started to sweat. It was 60 degrees outside. In December!! Dropped him off and came back and decided I could not waste this beautiful day and decided to go for a walk. Tried to convince family members to join me but they were too engulfed in their MMORPG and said no. I walked to the park in my neighborhood and circled the baseball field three times then walked back home. I stopped for about 1 min at each rotation to rest the low back which wasn’t screaming but it was making itself known. I listened to a book on Audible app on my phone and I kept a slightly faster than normal walking pace. I got my heart rate up, didn’t have trouble breathing nor did it trigger my asthma. I was about for about forty minutes I would say. It felt great. I feel like after all these months being cooped up or out wearing masks that I had fresh air in my lungs. (mind you I had a mask handy but no one was in the park so I was safe to keep it down) Later when sitting home I felt better. A little more invigorated. I did about 5400 steps by bedtime. I know..its not 10K but you can’t go from a desk job with no exercise to walking or running 5 miles a day. I’m taking it slow. My weight loss goal is not for a year and a half. I want it to be slow so I don’t boomerang back up. I want this to be for the rest of my life. I want this to last and be the norm from now on.

When I was walking yesterday, listening to my book (World of Warcraft: War Crimes by Christie Golden) I suddenly realized that all the things I do that I enjoy: knitting, embroidering, gaming, etc, feed my mind. It never occurred to me to feed my body what it needs to: movement and exercise. Yea, I’m 48 years old and I don’t know why this JUST occurred to me. It really was a sort of epiphany for me. I’m sure others have come upon this ages ago but I suppose my mind was just on other things. I am going to make sure I do something each day. Walking, biking, belly dancing..who knows. Maybe I’ll just scroll Youtube and pick something and give it a try. Lord knows there are so many things on there. (I totally understand why neither of my children are very interested in television now. ) So, it’s suppose to be quite chilly today. I think I will browse Youtube and see what I can come up with.

Oh yea, did 20 wall push ups yesterday too. Shooting for same number today..maybe 25.

Alright..back to my coffee and porch time with hubby till he goes to work.

Ciao!

Post Turkey Day

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Because of the dumpster fire that is 2020, Thanksgiving day, which is normally just my hubby and I, had my two sons with us for the first time in 11 years. The travel restrictions kept them from spending the holiday with their dad, sadly. Thank goodness for video calls though.

Anyway, made 4300 steps alone doing cooking help for hubby, who does 90% of the cooking. Dinner was turkey, sweet potato casserole, dressing/stuffing (which ever you choose to call it), mashed potatoes cranberry sauce, peas, home made crescent rolls, gravy, pumpkin pie and brownies. Other than the box mix brownies and canned cranberry sauce,, all was made from scratch. Oh and wine…of course wine.

I had small amounts of everything (except cranberry sauce, blech) and only had a tiny second helping of sweet potatoes. I skipped pie and had a small brownie.

Drank a lot of water before and after. Sat on my butt the rest of the night and played world of warcraft. Today its get in at least 8000 steps.

No real weight loss yet but I’m trying not to stress it. Lots of things happening this year making it emotionally hard to stay on track. 2 deaths in the family. Suicidal deer totalling my car and me having to buy a new one. New job…and a desk job no less so not adding movement there, but I do like it a lot and who I work with. Corona virus restrictions from going damn near anywhere but my yard practically. All three of the corgis had medical issues that ran us close to $4000 dollars.

So yea, stress. On the up side I have gone over 3 months with out more than a half a glass of diet coke.

I’m lying in bed writing this post and planning my day. Also getting the gumption to get up out of bed and start the day but hubby is warm and cuddly and bed feels so good and the “I dont wannas” are strong. I’m the only one working today but at least its from home remoting in.

Ah well. Time to get the coffee and Jumpstart the heart. Have a good day peeps!

Pursuit of Happiness..

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Happy. A word I have not used very often in the last several months.  I have been stressed, worried, sleep deprived, lonely and isolated at times and also spread very thin like so much butter on toast. My life became working, doing what I had to in order to keep the household going and my self care became secondary. I said “fuck it” to my diet and medication towards it and I know I have gained some of the weight I lost back in comfort eating (OM NOM NOM KRUSTY BREAD AND BROWNIES). I have not knit in weeks having finished my last project and buckled down to finish a committed embroidery project for the kingdom (SCA, FYI) which I did enjoy and looked great in my opinion. Most everything I did was what I HAD to do. Obligations I needed to fulfill. Happiness was fleeting and yes, I had brief moments of it, like when my son went a day or so without stomach illness from his chemo or that he ate solid food voluntarily, asking for it.  When my youngest would do his chores the first time I asked instead of repeated requests to take out the trash, pick up his Nerf darts before the dog ate them, do his laundry, etc.

These last two weeks, other than keeping a committed watch on my oldest to see if he spiked a fever, I can honestly say I have been happy.  It has come to my realization that my happiness is hinging on the wellness of my oldest of late. I worry about him so much with these treatments and how to keep him up both in weight and health. I’m constantly scrubbing his bathroom down. Diligent about his regimen of medications and shots and constantly trying to get him to eat food. I’m a bear about people using hand sanitizer that come to the house and making sure they are well before they come to begin with. If he is doing well, it allows my brain (as well as the rest of me) to relax and enjoy my surroundings.  This last week has been the best I felt in a while emotionally. Physically a little run down, as I managed to catch a sinus cold that lasted a day or two but has caused poor sleep patterns the whole week.

Last night, the neighbor called to let me know that today was the towns Apple Festival and its also the day that people do their last yard sale. This got me very excited! I love my town!   You’re probably asking…why?! Alright..side story. Everyone has seen E.T., right? Who hasn’t, right?! Remember the scene with all the kids walking around on Halloween? Glowing jack o lanterns everywhere, hundreds of kids walking around in glorious and creative costumes? That wonderful small town community you always read about? That’s what I have where I live. I love it here. The only thing I mildly dislike is the fact that we have to get our mail from a post office instead of having it delivered. Want to know why? The people of the community voted it to be that way so they could all socialize at the post office. And they do! Every one waves to you when you’re driving around or walking.  They stop to have a conversation..even in their car in the middle of the street. Its small but it has a lot. Dental office, fitness studio, gas station convenience mart combo, chiropractor, acupuncture, tiny pharmacy, bank, dance studio, barber, Dollar General, adorable library, a tiny town hall with some of the most friendliest people you’ve met. There is a great park a block away from my house. There is the fire house where they hold the cute carnival every year and the streets half shut down for it.  A Boy Scout troop at the local church. Local town sports association for the younger kids. The typical pizzeria, Chinese food, cutely named deli and a diner up the street. All within two miles of where I live. Down the road a few more miles is the just most wonderful little market called the Apple Bin that makes the best apple cider donuts and chocolate chip scones I’ve ever eaten. The store itself looks like something from Little House on the Prairie. Minus the spiders ALL THE PLACES, its my little bit of heaven and we found a wonderful house on a dead end street surrounded by trees in the middle of it. We even have great neighbors!

So, my youngest and his friend took a shift selling apple crisp at the festival for their Boy Scout Troop.  My husband and I, both lovers of a good yard sale, put the leash on Rolo, grabbed a couple bags (cause we actually are courteous and pick up the poo when he goes) and went out for a walk on the town to peruse the sales. Lots out there, but we settled on a replacement curling iron for myself (identical to the one I had but damn near new!!), and under the desk exercise bike for office jobs and a nice fur coat that I can rip apart for the viking garb. Its a lovely blond color and its rabbit fur. Hey, for five bucks, you cant go wrong with that. We ran into friends several times on our walk.   Rolo got to finally  meet a few dogs but he was a bit afraid around them even though they were all very friendly to him.  ALL the people stopped to pet him, say how cute he was, gush all over him and one couple even asked for the breeders name so they could contact her.  When we got back home, I ran a load of laundry and hung it on the line. We sat on the sun porch with cold drinks enjoying the glorious weather we were having. 70 degrees, low humidity and a nice breeze.  It was just a beautiful day and as I was sitting here waiting for LFR to pop in WoW, I realized I was happy and not just that but I had been happy for pretty much most of this past week.  Last night I started a pair of socks to put on the etsy store.  It feels good to be knitting again. I am doing that and working on an embroidery project.  I feel good. I feel happy. Im still a little tired, but it doesn’t damper the happiness I am feeling right now.

Kyle is at the halfway point in his treatments. Being over the proverbial hump and going down towards the second half feels good. The “road map” as they call it has a little over half a dozen more inpatient stays and that makes me feel good that the number is dwindling down.  We still have not made any plans till this is done in regards to weekend activities or vacations or the like. Just taking things day by day, week by week.  Make a Wish foundation came by to visit with him and ask what he wanted. We are unsure if they will grant it or not but, he asked for “a pool and a deck like at Aunt Colleen’s old house”.  They really couldn’t get anything else out of him that he wanted. Let’s face it, he’s a kid that knows what he wants.  We shall see if that is feasible to grant it. Its not like they can do anything with it now anyway being nearing the end of September.

The air has a crisp chill and fresh smell to it. Its suppose to be pretty chilly tonight. We have the windows open and even though my allergies are acting up from it, I love it. Perhaps we’ll light the fire-pit tonight and cook smores.  Right now, life feels pretty good. I hope this feeling lasts for a while. I know this whole thing has ups and downs but i am hoping for more ups than downs here on out.

Oh, and friends? There are so many of you that asked what you can do for us. The best thing you can do is keep in touch. Reach out to us..me. Call. IM. Email. Communication is what we need. Knowing you are still out there. Sometimes it feels like when the diagnosis was spoken, many said “let me know how I can help” and faded back from us. I need your company even if its just virtual.  With having to put our life on hold to give him all that he needs, it feels very isolating and a little lonely.  I miss my friends. I miss the SCA. I miss taking pictures. I miss wearing garb! I miss pageantry! The banners flying in the wind! The clash of weapons in the lists! The smell of glorious foods cooking and wafting from the kitchens. I miss life and the socializing.  Please, Stay in touch.

I am in pursuit of happiness everyday now. Im trying to find it in even the smallest things in each day.  I will not let this beat me and it certainly wont beat him. He is my ARMS warrior and he will beat this. I love my boy!