Baby Steps

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Tis the season for emotional roller coasters. Especially when COVID is happening and cutting you off from the ones you love. Christmas at home this year, just like Thanksgiving was. I have disappointed my family yet again because I dont want to be the cause of inadvertently bringing any illness down to them. Suck it up!

The SCA BoD announced the other day that in person events are now canceled through May 31st 2021. I will admit this hit me way harder than I thought it would. I got choked up and angry. I miss my friends. I miss dressing up. I miss laughs and hugs. I miss discussions with others on research and embroidery techniques, garb construction, etc. I understand completely why they did it. It still makes me angry. I think I’m angry more at the illness causing this complete upheaval in everyone’s lives and not the decision they have made for the safety of all. Its just the fact that this forced hermit like lifestyle is getting to me. I know..a friend has stated every day, this too shall pass. #spanishflu2020

So on black friday i ordered a new steel bedframe and mattress for my oldest as somehow he destroyed his. Like, worn holes and broken springs destroyed. Yea..I can’t figure it out either. Its four years old. Anyway, Sam’s club online had these great deals. So, we ordered a new hybrid mattress for him and a new frame for it. Got the mattress a week ago (later than they said I would). The bedframe however, was somehow “lost” after a shipping label was made. So, after two online chat customer service reps, they stated they’d ship another expedited for the inconvenience I had been put in. I checked the new tracking number I got Monday and as of today, its saying it will get here Friday but as of right now when i checked the tracking number, it is still at the warehouse. I got on chat again and was told by “Ana” that they didnt know what was happening and she’d send it to a special dept to check it out. Which would take 24-72 hours. So, either way, I wont get an answer until after the day its suppose to be here…IF it gets here that day. I doubt California to NY will happen by Friday. So this whole rant brings me to the moral of the story: Sam’s club online sucks! Stick to shopping for what you need at their store and not rely on online. I feel like their customer service lines are just there to tell you “we’ll check into it, we are so sorry”. They lost me as a customer.

On the weight loss front, I have been slowly increasing my steps each day. I have been consistently getting up to 5000+ steps in and I try to do a couple hundred more each day. I am drinking a lot more water.. at least the minimum 64 oz but, I’m shooting for a gallon a day in the not too distant future. I noticed some clothing is less snug so I call it a win. I have decided to cut portions, limit bread and sugar and try to eat less take out. I feel like if I cut things completely out of my life it will make me crave them more and then over do it one day. Small portions of sweets every once in a while keeps the mind set that it isnt forever gone or a forbidden food. I feel better about this, like this is more feasible to stick with for the rest of my life. I don’t want to lose this weight super fast, i want it to be slow going so that my skin can shrink with it.

Alright…work to do. More later.

Ciao!!

Post Turkey Day

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Because of the dumpster fire that is 2020, Thanksgiving day, which is normally just my hubby and I, had my two sons with us for the first time in 11 years. The travel restrictions kept them from spending the holiday with their dad, sadly. Thank goodness for video calls though.

Anyway, made 4300 steps alone doing cooking help for hubby, who does 90% of the cooking. Dinner was turkey, sweet potato casserole, dressing/stuffing (which ever you choose to call it), mashed potatoes cranberry sauce, peas, home made crescent rolls, gravy, pumpkin pie and brownies. Other than the box mix brownies and canned cranberry sauce,, all was made from scratch. Oh and wine…of course wine.

I had small amounts of everything (except cranberry sauce, blech) and only had a tiny second helping of sweet potatoes. I skipped pie and had a small brownie.

Drank a lot of water before and after. Sat on my butt the rest of the night and played world of warcraft. Today its get in at least 8000 steps.

No real weight loss yet but I’m trying not to stress it. Lots of things happening this year making it emotionally hard to stay on track. 2 deaths in the family. Suicidal deer totalling my car and me having to buy a new one. New job…and a desk job no less so not adding movement there, but I do like it a lot and who I work with. Corona virus restrictions from going damn near anywhere but my yard practically. All three of the corgis had medical issues that ran us close to $4000 dollars.

So yea, stress. On the up side I have gone over 3 months with out more than a half a glass of diet coke.

I’m lying in bed writing this post and planning my day. Also getting the gumption to get up out of bed and start the day but hubby is warm and cuddly and bed feels so good and the “I dont wannas” are strong. I’m the only one working today but at least its from home remoting in.

Ah well. Time to get the coffee and Jumpstart the heart. Have a good day peeps!

Slow and steady

Posted on by Jennifer GB

So I’ve had some set backs that had slowed me down, one being a death in the family, but I’m getting back on track. As friends are so good at reminding me, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. I am happy to say that I have now gone six weeks without drinking a Diet Coke. I know it doesn’t seem monumental but its a step. Tomorrow I’m going to grab my son and walk in the park. My activity level has gone down dramatically since covid 19 started and then I get a desk job. I have to do something and my son wants to join me. He says he isn’t happy with his weight either.

Well, off to bed. I stayed up late embroidering and watching The Abyss. Gnight folks.

Shitastic week

Posted on by Jennifer GB

A while ago I had given up Diet Coke. I had gone over a year without having any. Then something stressful happened Im sure (because i can’t rightly remember right now) and I started drinking it again. Two days ago i decided to give it up again. Today marks day 2 without drinking Diet Coke. While I wasn’t drinking it like I use to, I’m sure it will still be hard to resist. I’m not a water drinker. Never have been. If its really cold on a hot day or I’d just finished working out, then i can drink it. Otherwise, i don’t like it. I use Mio to tolerate it. So I am now working up to drinking the minimum 64 ounces a day with a hopes to hit the 1 gallon mark down the road. I’d bought that one container that was a gallon but it is a bit unwieldy and a pain to carry around and to work. I mean, the damn thing comes with a shoulder strap! Also, the ice melts too fast in it so it doesn’t stay cold. I think I jumped the gun and overestimated myself when i saw that on a friends page and bought it. It’s currently sitting on my dishwasher looking forlorn and abandoned.

My cousin died this week. She found out in July she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Sadly I didn’t find out till about two or so weeks ago when my sister told me. She went so fast. She was so young. She left behind her husband and three children, two of which are on the spectrum. I really didn’t get to see her outside of family gatherings because of the distance between our homes, but when we did, it was always full of laughs, smiles and love. I hate that she’s gone. I hate that I wont see her at future parties. I hate that she was taken so young. She was only 40. Why do the good ones die young?! It took about an hour after my sister told me she’d passed for it to sink in and then I started crying. I will miss you, cuz.

Being an emotional eater, I did cave to it some but not nearly what I would normally. I mean, I have never been one of those type of people that say they sit in their car outside of the grocery store and eat an entire cheesecake. I mean yea I’m a big woman but never, ever could i do that. Id barf if i ate more than two pieces. I could have maybe three cookies and a glass of milk and that is so filling i wouldn’t eat for hours. One of the reasons I always wondered why I’d gotten so heavy. I don’t really snack. i log my food into the “Lose it” app on my phone and i rarely go over my allotted calories I’d set in order to lose the weight in the time I’d set. I avoid bread, pasta, rice and sugar as much as possible. I try to get 8k to 10k steps in every day but with the desk job now its a bit harder. Weight loss is so frustrating. Why can’t I have a fast metabolism and eat whatever I want like a lot of my friends?! LOL!

Yesterday they called and told me my car was totaled. I’d heard this from the auto body shop the day before, and that sent me into another whirl of stress and emotion. They told me my Honda CRV 2010 was only work about $5400. When i looked up the payoff amount, it was at $6300. So I owed more than it was worth. All types of mental self beating ensued. “I was an idiot to pay so much for the car four years ago!” “Why didn’t i get gap insurance!” “I was naïve when i bought the car and the asshole salesman pulled a fast one on me and I didn’t know!” Yea..I ran down that mental path crying and punching myself. Then the angel at my insurance company called and informed me that my vehicle was actually worth closer to $9000 and I would actually get money back to put towards a new vehicle. Let me tell you I nearly got onto my desk at work and danced at that news. When I told them what the collision center said it was worth, she said they didn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to car value. So, now I only have my rental for 7 more days and I have to car shop. Guess what I’ll be doing this weekend? I went this morning and cleaned out the last couple things from the old car and got my license plates. Good-bye Safira. You were a good little car.

Stress is a horrible thing. I can handle a little bit and not go over the edge. But between the death of my cousin, the car, mentally going from I will owe money for the now dead car to i don’t owe money and I’ll be getting money back is a horrific roller coaster ride. My boys visit their father this weekend. I think there will be a bit of wine drinking after the car shopping. Cause I’m sure THAT won’t be stressful at all!!

Daily update

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Didn’t get tons done today. Got 3 miles walking in. Did a bunch of cleaning and a little bit of embroidery. I have to figure out something to do in the office to get movement in. It was the one thing I feared about taking an office job: the sedentary aspect of a desk job. When I worked in retail being on my feet made me drop a bit of weight. Not the case here. I’m considering a standing desk adapter for the office. Eyeballing a couple on Amazon. My one concern is that since gaining the weight, standing or walking causes low back pain now after a short time of doing either. Stamina is fine. Pain not so much.

For dinner i made long hots with the peppers my sister sent home with us. Peppers stuffed with prosciutto and provolone cheese. Tasty and low carb plus hot spice to boost metabolism. Can’t hurt right? Admit to a half a cup of ice cream…you know…to kill the heat. So tasty!

Well exhaustion is winning so off to sleep i go. CIAO!!

Good Intentions

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve written an entry here. So much has happened since January. So…where to begin. Speed update: I have been hired by the NYS Department of education as a support assistant to a wonderful woman who is vision impaired. I pretty much help her out with computer work, reading documents that can’t convert to her special programs like JAWS and the occasional site visit (when things get back to normal from this pandemic). I work from home three days a week, in the office two. Funny thing, she lives a couple blocks away from me so I give her the ride home on the two days we’re in the office.

In March my Grandmother died so we went to the funeral in NJ. Two days later they closed our schools down for the pandemic and thus far we are not going back till minimum October 15th after a reevaluation to see how things look. Then It might be a hybrid opening where K-6 goes to school spread across all the district school buildings and 7-12 distance learns. Since both my kids are in high school, distance learning for them. One loves the idea. The other wants to go back because he misses his teachers and friends.

Yesterday I got on the scale and am at my highest weight of 301. After a bought of sobbing, I got determined. Yesterday i got in 110 oz of water. Walked 3/4 of a mile plus did the stairs at home a lot to do laundry. Got 7747 steps in by the time I fell into bed. Also started using my Lose IT! app again. Today, got up, had coffee and breakfast and then did a beginner weight training video. My stomach got in the way a little for the mat exercises but i modified and still did it to the best of my ability. Guzzling the water again today. Plan to walk to the post office again. Did fine walking except for the low back really hurting by the time I got back home. Since I gain my weight in my torso and have a gut, its understandable I had the back pain. In time, it will shrink.

I figured all this time ive been trying to do low carb and it isn’t working..i need to get off my ass and deal with the pain of my neck injury and work out anyway. I also decided that I can do lower carb but I feel like its not feasible to do it forever. Lets face it: I like bread. Not cheap shit white sandwich bread but good crusty artisan bread. Do I have it often? No. So I figure its ok to have a slice on occasion when its with a nice dinner. Same goes for sweets. I am adopting the moderation in everything mindset. Not denying myself anything just limiting it. I mean come on..its food…its not like I will never have that food again ever so small portion. I know I’ll have it again at some point. Savor the taste, enjoy it then move on. So, Im not proud of hitting that number on the scale but it will not be at that number long at all. I have a goal of losing the desired 120 pounds by my 50th birthday in just under 2 years. I can do this.

Im posting starting day 1 photos of myself. Now you know I’m REALLY serious if I’m willing to show what I look like. I’ll get my measurements later when I find my quilting measuring tape.

Another Fresh Start…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Yea, I’m writing this at near 5am on January 5th, 2020. I always have these entries written in my head before I log on…hours before I log on and then when I get to the keyboard.. *POOF*…gone. Old age? Early onset senility? Who knows. It goes along with walking into a room with something i wanted to do or get and forgetting by the time I get there.

So I am my BF’s house. We crashed here so we could hang out late into the evening and we didn’t have to drive back home which is near 90 minutes away. We brought the whole family..including our three dogs. My husband was not thrilled with this. Honestly he isnt thrilled with the whole leaving the house on the weekends kinda thing. It’s really quite annoying. When we dated, he said “I’ll go anywhere with you and do anything with you because I want to spend time with you.” I warned him i traveled a lot, visited friends long distance a lot (because of a medieval recreation group Ive been in for 27 years) and that he had to be ok with that. He agreed said he was fine with that. 7 years later, not so much. Maybe some background history is in order. He grew up a bit of a loner, his Dad having one of those jobs that moved them around every few years. He said making friends was pointless if he was leaving in a short amount of time. So, he’s content to come home and either putter around the house on the weekends or just relax watching t.v. or video games. I was raised differently. My family was very social. I was raised by two teachers so I lived in one home for 18 years before moving to my Grandmother’s house across the street after she passed away. We went to friends houses on the weekends, even during the week. Summers were spent traveling around and vacationing up in New Hampshire on a lake with another family for a week. I loved it. I had/have dreams of traveling and seeing various sites around the world. I’ve been to Ireland, Italy and a few spots in Canada as well as 2/3’s of the United States. I have a list of places I want to visit. Him…not so much. He says he wants to travel but i think deep down inside that isnt true. Yesterday driving up he complained about going somewhere where he will sleep on an uncomfortable bed, sit on an uncomfortable couch and be uncomfortable in general. Massive chip on the shoulder and just bitchy. “But if I dont go you’ll be pissed at me”. How the fuck am I suppose to feel after he says that statement and we are halfway to the destination?! Honestly it makes me question a lot of things I realize over the years we have been together. Sweet romantic gestures in our first couple years and now nothing. Yea i know…that happens a lot. That’s settling into a marriage right? But those are the things that made me fall in love with him. The gestures, the promises, the plans we made. And now? Now it’s come home from work, eat dinner and fall asleep on the couch watching manly reality tv. (FYI I HATE reality tv. DRAMA! DRAMA! DRAMA!!) Take out dinner once a week. No desire to go anywhere on the weekends. No desire to do the home improvements we want to do because he’s tired (construction worker) and wants to relax. (then why did we buy a fixer upper house for God’s sake?!?!)

Yeah, I know. I’m ranting.I’m focusing on the bad. Every spouse has complaints and such they don’t like about their spouse after years of being together. I love him, but its a love/hate relationship sometimes. I’m sitting here with one of the dogs that had to go out at 3am. None of the other dogs would settle because we didn’t bring their crates. The one dog had a couple accidents (never has them at home) so I am thoroughly embarrassed about that even though they had no problems with it. He moped around on the sofa the whole night not saying a word and being completely antisocial. It looked like he was pouting at the fact that he couldnt be napping incessantly on the couch at home. I thought the bed was as comfortable as our own but it was a bit warm in the room (hell we crack a window in the winter..we like a cool bedroom to sleep in) so I stayed downstairs and lounged on the couch with the the one pooch I took outside. She settled and napped but now she’s whining and wanting her two “siblings”. Im dwelling and stewing over everything.

Then I thought, perhaps he acts this way because he has anxieties that he is afraid to tell me about? i know he has them about some simple things like answering the house phone and going to the bank for some reason. (don’t ask I don’t get it either) But my question is, could that be it? I dont know. But its making me want to just LEAVE him home and go do the things I want to do on the weekends like travel and visit friends with my boys. I love him. I’m not leaving him..but damn it there has to be some kind of compromise or something so that love/hate doesnt become more hate than love.

What do you think? And now the dog is whining to go out again. I think the chew bone my friends gave her as a christmas present didnt agree with her. Joy. Next posting with be more positive, about the holidays and such which were wonderful!

Ciao…dog duties call.

Thanksgiving Eve…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Second day of waking up early to a weird dream regarding SCA life.  Yesterday’s dream was upsetting..someone I consider a good friend turning on me for lack of a better term and giving our friendship the brush off stating in so many words I was not worthy of her friendship.  Last nights dream was about someone asking to fight for me in crown tourney and I guess I said yes because we were walking up in the Greeting line before crown. Just odd in my dream I said yes to this fighter..but before we got to the thrones i woke up.  Like I said..weird..but not upsetting.

About half an hour after I woke, hubby woke. One thing I adore about this man is we never lack for things to talk about. Conversation went all over the place (after dream explanation) and came around to us needing to get in shape. So we bit the bullet at the early hour and went and walked the treadmill and cheered each other on (literally I was bouncing around doing cheerleader chants I remembered from when I was a kid…made him laugh and stumble a little..which…worth it!).  

Dropped the boys to their Dad last night for the holiday week. I miss them already. Funny how you long for alone time and then an hour after the kids are gone you miss their presence. That is me.  Speaking of kids, my oldest had his 18 month scan (which has been reduced to just MRI and CAT scan, YAY!) and have not heard back from them yet. That was two weeks ago. They have never been good at calling with results, but when I go to the appointments, they always say that it was all good. So I am assuming no news is good news.  

We have acquired the fixings for Thanksgiving dinner. Its just the two of us. Hubby mentioned it would be nice to have a couple people but its just us. We had hoped his parents who were vacationing abroad could change their flight and join us for dinner but it wasnt in the cards.

Well I still have to work today. Twenty minutes before I have to leave. Not sure how the day will go as it sounds like several staff will be off. Me being the new hire/low man on the totem pole, in I go. 

Tonight..there will be WINE!!! 

Ciao!!

If Wishes Were Horses…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I would consider myself a lucky person.  I have a pretty good life that honestly, I can’t complain about. I have a good husband who loves me dearly. I have two healthy teenage boys that do pretty well in school and have a descent head on their shoulders and 3 crazy fur babies that I love 98% of the time (not counting when they chew brand new converse sneakers or jump on my knitting needles causing $3500.00 in vet bills to save his hyperactive ass).   I have a good job that, while boring, pays well and isn’t too difficult or stressful to perform. The people here are nice and we even have an office dog that comes in a few times a week. Would I like to be doing something differently for my 9-5? Hell yes but this is what I’ve got for now. A lot of people don’t even have this so..again..I have nothing to complain about.  My own health is pretty good minus needing to lose some weight.  I’m working on that (60 more to go). I have family that loves me, both blood and chosen family and would step up and help should we truly need it. I am not wanting for anything.

That all being said, I have wishes. OHMYGAWD I want to win the lottery.  1.2 billion dollars is a helluva lot of money.  Like most people in this world, I have the “list” of things I would do should I ever win the lottery. My debts (not terribly much but slightly more now because of said crazy corgi of mine) are as such that a 2 million dollar win would cover me and mine completely with lots left over to invest and keep us comfortable. But 1.2 billion!?!  I have a large list of people I would help. I would give money back to the charities that helped us when my son was going through his treatments.  Friends of Karen were such a good support to us between funds to help with extra bills, gas/tolls reimbursement hell they even helped us with Thanksgiving dinner for two years. Back to school supplies too. One of the kindest charities I have seen and been a recipient of Id give them a bunch of money for certain. I have a friend that seriously needs a new house. My sister needs all kinds of repairs after her neighbors house blew up and damaged the hell out of hers back in August.  My help the friends and loved ones list is descent sized.

There is of course my list, which isn’t that grand. The usual..pay off the house, the tiny amount of debt we have, get my dream tripped out minivan (Yes I said Minivan!!! no judging!!), do the home renovations we want done, maybe a little traveling, set up funds for the boys and then invest the rest.  Would I still work? Id probably take some time off but then I would open up the store I’ve dreamed about.  Specialty knitting and embroidery supplies that has a place to sit and stitch/knit. Id also have a tiny cooler case with pastries made by my friend and have a coffee maker too. There’s a similar store in a neighboring town but it only has knitting supplies. I am allowed to dream.

So anyway, last night I took a chance and bought a couple tickets. I wasn’t going to but a family member that is out of town asked if I would pick up a couple for them and i got a couple for us. Maybe one of us will get lucky!

 

Life..the Universe…Everything

Posted on by Jennifer GB

In theory, I love blogging and journaling.  Seems though life gets in the way a lot of times.  My life is wake at 6am, get the boys up and started for school while i get ready for work. Shuffle them off at 7 to their buses and then leave for work myself twenty five minutes later and get done at 3 (HA! yesterday I was there 3 hours longer than my shift), come home take care of the pooches, start dinner, normal house/life stuff and then by 8 o’clock i’m most likely falling asleep on the couch.  Its exhausting and by that point I have not picked up a pen to journal nor logged on to blog.  I have one of those “I Want to Do” lists that is a mile long but my motivation seems to have taken an extended vacation itself.  Add to that constant aches and pains all day long from wake to sleep. I wondered if I needed a new mattress but mine is only 6 years old and it’s a good model Beauty Rest.  My brain is making me wonder if I have the starting of fibromyalgia.  Googling symptoms shows a lot of what I feel. Course, every time I do that I am reminded of my Mother who use to have a set of Funk and Wagner (?) encyclopedias. They came with a medical set as well and she use to look up symptoms and get scared she had something terminal. At one point I think she was convinced she had a brain tumor and lupus, neither of which she did. I wake in the mornings and get out of bed and my knees hurt, my hips hurt, my back hurts. I thought after a goodly amount of sleep you were suppose to feel rested and recharged not broken and wanting to climb back into bed. Yea i know, meow, meow, meow. I’m probably just getting old. I’m just tired of being in pain all the time.  It seriously kills my motivation to do anything outside of being a couch potato.

Today is a trip to Westchester for my son’s one year cancer check scans. All prayers are appreciated that they are again, clear and unchanged.