You Can Wish in One Hand…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Well, you know how the rest of the saying goes. Life has been busy and I wish there were more hours in the day to do all that I want (and need) to do. For instance, different types of crafts. I have a room full of crafting supplies such as many, many skeins of yarn, boxes of embroidery threads in varying content (silk, cotton, wool), fabric for sewing garb, hundreds of patterns for costumes, knitted items and embroidery. There are some odd ball things down in that room that I obtained the supplies for but have not started like mandala rock painting or ballet point shoes to paint and decorate or teeny tiny crochet hooks so I can try crocheting those beaded tube bracelets. Yet, what I end up doing more often than not is knitting with scrap yarn (which there is a metric ton of practically) and making scrunchies or wrist warmers. Or, of course, socks, but the scrunchies and wrist warmers are a memorized pattern and i don’t need to look at anything while doing it so its my go to for knitting while watching tv after work or even when I take my son to the movies and I knit during it if it isn’t one in particular that I wanted to see, but I go with him so he can see it. Oh, you know what else is down there? About a hundred blank journals to write down my thoughts but what I realize is I don’t get to journal everyday like I want to due to the fact that by the end of the work day I am mentally exhausted and all I want to do is play the Oscar winning role of a couch potato watching Supernatural re-runs on Netflix. My hubby who is a carpenter does a similar version of my role on the other end of the couch but his artistic medium is more musically based with varying base tones of snoring. While he is physically exhausted from his profession, mine is mental. Yes, I said it, my job makes me mental and I am about to embark on the next level of this by returning to college, after 20 years to earn a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Counseling so I can more knowledgably help people with disabilities become educated and gainfully employed. Not to mention, the pay raise will be significant and alleviate the stresses of the rising costs of living that has come with the current POTUS despite his claims and promises it would go down drastically when he was voted in again ( and not by me, let me just say that right now and make that clear).

In another instance that falls under helping people, a couple weeks ago while talking to my Mom, she mentioned her frustrations with transferring funds and shares from my deceased Father’s name to hers. See, its been three years since he passed and these funds/shares, etc. have a time limit on transferring them over or they become unclaimed property by the state. Since my Dad never made a will (because he was paranoid if he did it would make him die sooner?? I don’t really know..), nothing was made legal of how he wanted his estate handled. Now, let me just say I love my Mom, as trying as she can be sometimes, she is not tech savvy at all, has a short fuse with things she doesn’t understand and she also has the attention span of a goldfish if it isn’t in her scope of interest, i.e.: the amount of paperwork it takes to get said items transferred to her name. This is why things have sat for three years and she was in a panic two weeks ago on the phone with me when she started getting letters saying if she didn’t take care of it she’d lose what he had. So, even though I am stressed with “college crunch time” at work, I made her send me all the letters, death documents, statements, phone numbers and notes on conversations she’s had with financial advisers and I set myself upon this task for her. After two weeks, two financial adviser conversations and one state treasury conversation later (and several hours filling out forms and scanning documents), yesterday I emailed the last document out for her and hopefully in about a month, all these outstanding things will be handled. The gratitude in her voice when she said thank you for handling it for her made it worth it, but I will say that after work yesterday (and the final email sent) I sat on the sofa knitting a wrist warmer and watched Jaws 1, 2 and 3. Well, most of three because the 3D effect and the graphics of the movie were so bad even my mentally fatigued mind had had enough and I went to bed. That was 10pm. At 2:30am, a shout from my son’s bedroom (an excited shout at a video game he was playing, yes he’s a night owl) woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep. So, here I am journaling at 3:30am and it’s the weekend so it doesn’t matter I’m awake this early because I can nap later while floating in the pool.

One thing I do wish is that instead of playing the Oscar wining role of a slug watching t.v., I’d like to be one of those people that handles stress by getting up and being active or exercising to alleviate it. I went on Wegovy about 10 months ago and have lost 35 pounds. I feel better already, but my goal weight is still a weighs off (ha, ha..see what I did there?) and I have hit a plateau for about two months now. Being more active would help with that I’m sure. It makes me think what makes one person love say mountain biking or jogging as a hobby and another like hand crafts or some other less active activity. I would say my injuries are my reason (having had a back breaking car accident at 24 which is now osteoarthritis). I wants to be and wish I were more active. I also wish to win the lottery so I don’t have to work and I can pursue my hobbies full time, but as they saying goes “We can wish in one hand…” you know how the rest goes.

One piece of advice before I sign off: MAKE A FUCKING WILL! Don’t leave your loved ones to go through this headache and heartache of stress and mounds of paperwork after you are gone. Put down what your wishes are and who beneficiaries are, make it all legal and pick an Executor/Executrix wisely, someone who has patience and knowledge to handle the phone calls, paperwork, cancellations of accounts, etc. You can do it online for free for God’s sake! There are several web sites out there that will help you. If you’re in a Union for your job, they most likely have assistance with this as well, as I know mine does. I miss you Dad, so damn much but seriously!?! (at least Mom learned from this and set things up immediately after my Dad died)

Well, I hear the coffee pot calling my name and hubby will be getting up soon. I will endeavor to post more often and I hope you all have a wonderful, wonderful day. Ciao!

The Drama Llama’s are Stampeding

Posted on by Jennifer GB

If you’ve ever worked in an office, especially an office with only women, the drama and cattiness is just profound sometimes. This week, the llamas have been stampeding through the office and somehow I keep getting trampled.

This week, the counselor I assist who is rather difficult sometimes..who am I kidding, all the time, has decided to be condescending and chastising in emails again because of work i executed while she was off. Apparently she is checking her email on her off day (something they frown upon greatly here, when you’re off, you’re off). She didn’t like I did the requested research and instead of just sending to her so she can review (and change to look good in her favor so she doesn’t get in trouble for neglecting cases), i sent to her and copied her supervisor. In emails a day or so previously, the supervisor requested I do this. Then another piece of work I’d done that needed approval, I sent to her supervisor instead of the office one (who left early for the day). She proceeded to tear me down in emails where she copied both hers and my supervisor. I responded to one, which only further ignited her ire in the next email, however, when her supervisor chimed in to essentially say let it go Id done nothing wrong, it felt quite gratifying to see her shut down. She had no further emails after that. That was Wednesday and yesterday.

Today, it was another coworker who apparently had her feelings hurt we haven’t asked her if she wanted food from where we were ordering from in about a year. Here’s the thing, she has many food allergies, is also vegan and every time we’d asked if she wanted anything from the two restaurants we order from, she always declines saying there isn’t anything I can really eat there. So that’s why we stopped asking because we felt bad. Apparently, it was the wrong thing to do and now there is a chip on her shoulder the size of Mt Fiji. I give up. She asked me the other day why I was so quiet. I shrugged. I come to work go in my office, close the door and do the work I am emailed. When it’s five o’clock, I leave and go home to the people I love. It’s disheartening that people feel this way. Its not intentional, but they’re allowed to feel what they want to feel. I don’t know if its because I’m getting older but I am over it. Life is too short and too precious to hold these grudges and ill feelings. It’s days like this I really wish to find a 100% remote job and do that so I am at least in an environment that is not stressful and full of drama like this. I remember when I first was hired for this position and having my first ever full blown panic attack the night before starting because I was worried I would lose my calm and happy unstressed self working in this type of environment again. I was literally sobbing on the phone to my best friend about my concerns. I couldn’t breath. I was hyperventilating with worry and concern. I thought I was having a heart attack. My hubby was the one who pushed me to find a job out of the home because he thought I needed the socializing since between COVID and workman’s comp from a neck injury, I hadn’t worked in over a year. I will admit, there is a little small bit of me that holds it against him for making me do this because I am feeling exactly what I feared I would. A small bit of me that blames him for my stress and upset from working in an office environment again. I’ve never said it to him, nor will I ever voice it to him but its there and I am sure he realizes it. When I’ve come home in tears or spouting hateful venom or just completely silent and I literally skip dinner and go to bed for the rest of the night at what has happened that day, I’m sure he knows and I hope he feels a little bit guilty. Don’t get me wrong I love him dearly and will forever, but still.

Well that went down hill rather quickly! It’s Friday and the day is done in roughly 3 hours. I will pick up my oldest from work, grab some take out for dinner as is our weekly tradition and go home where I will be in my PJs within 10 mins of walking in the door. I work remotely on Monday too. Do I have plans? No. My only goal for the weekend is to put away the rest of the clean laundry that has been sitting in baskets in my room for three days now. Putting it away is what I hate most about that chore but I think pretty much everyone feels that way, right? Also, knit. I’m trying to get past the difficult point in the shawl I’m making for a co-worker for Christmas (i adore her) and get to the easy part that will go quickly. I think I’ll bake cookies as well. Maybe some home made bread. I am weary.

Well, I’m gonna finish the work day and afterwards tend the proverbial hoof bruises on my back after I am home.

Ciao.

Stunned..

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I took my son to vote last night (he’s on the spectrum and needed assistance, I voted early in the A.M. before work) and I had to log in as an assistant to help him mark his choices on the ballot. I told him he could vote for whom ever he wanted to, I wouldn’t even look. Once I showed him how to do it, I stepped back and gave him privacy. I helped a bit more with the propositions on the back of the ballot, helping him to decipher what they meant, then he walked over and “fed the machine”. We got into the car and he turned to me and asked if he had to tell me who he voted for and I told him absolutely not. That was his private choice and it could stay private. He then spurted out, “Well I didn’t vote for the douche nozzle”, and I choked on my water I had just started to drink.

I woke up at 3am because of damn hot flashes and decided to check the polls and saw the results. Yeah…I had more hope in my country and its voters, to make smart choices, to consider their fellow countrymen and their rights and what would potentially be stepped on, cast aside or reversed. Hope that they would not choose to repeat the horrors of history past for the thought of “cheaper gas and full grocery carts” I saw in one post on Facebook (which that line of thought in of itself is just…mind boggling if they think that’s how the economy works). I have so many friends now in fear for their rights (LGBTQI+, reproductive rights, etc.). But no, the masses chose to AGAIN to put such an immoral person (a term I use loosely) as head of our country. So many more things.. many, MANY more things I could say but, the backlash I’m sure would be too much. I take great comfort in knowing he can’t ever run again for the Presidency after this. I also pray he doesn’t fuck things up as bad as is feared. I’m definitely getting all of our passports renewed before he gets into office.

On the up side: the FOURTH heartworm test for Rolo came back negative (4th being from the original lab that gave the positive test in the first place) and the other two corgis also are negative for heartworm. The vet said she was so stressed by this whole situation she was very relieved that it had a good outcome. So am I doc, so am I.

Dog Stuff

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Took my one dog (our first corgi) to the vet to have a spot on his leg checked. They decided to do the regular vet care appointment and of course, drew bloodwork. I was like, great! He’s due anyway. Well it turns out he tested positive for heartworm. I am devastated. Money was very snug this summer and I neglected to get them heartworm pills for a couple months. All other vaccinations and such are up to date. The vet wants to do another test in the office to make sure. If this test comes up negative, then the original was a false positive, which after researching online last night, can happen 7 to 10 percent of the time the test is done. He has absolutely no symptoms of heart worm disease at all. I’m praying it was a false positive (Any prayers anyone else can send up would be greatly appreciated). It is treatable, but it requires keeping the dog calm and crated during the treatment, which if you know my Rolo, he is anything but calm. THROW THE BALL!!! TUG OF WAR!! HEARD THE HUMANS!! BARK AT THE OTHER DOGS SO THEY DONT EAT MY FOOD!! BARK AT THE PEOPLE WALKING OUTSIDE!! BARK WHEN THE RING DOORBELL STARTS TALKING!!! So yea…this is gonna be hard on a dog with ADHD.

I feel this is my fault because I didn’t get the pills for them and let me tell you I am beating myself up royally over this. My hubby does not blame me at all but trust me, I’m beating myself up enough for both of us and keep bursting out in tears over it. These are my fur babies and try to do my very best for them. I’m truly hoping this first test was a false positive. I keep saying it out loud quietly so the universe hears me. Any good juju or prayers that can be sent out would be most helpful.

EDIT: In house heart worm test came back negative!! Vet couldnt see me right then but they are going to call me before the evening is out. They want to send out more blood they took to check for babies. This stress is going to kill me.

Its just one of those days

Posted on by Jennifer GB

You know the kind. Nothing goes right no matter what you try. Last night it was knitting related. I was trying a new pattern, a shawl for a co worker that I got the design off of Ravelry. This is the pattern: https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/18-petale-de-rose
I started at lunch at work attempting this pattern. My friends have told me if I can do socks I can do anything since socks can be complicated. So, what the hell! I believed them and picked this up. Ordered the yarn for it off Amazon which took forever to be delivered because, come to find out, it was being shipped from Turkey. I really wish it would be more prominently displayed on Amazon where the item you’re interested in buying is shipping from. So I started the pattern during my lunch hour at work. I think I tore it out at least twice during that time and said I’d consult with my expert friends when I got home. So, I preceded to try again, tore it out. Tried a second time and was frustrated. Took a pic and sent to my friends. They’d never done it so, they were unsure either. Tried again two more times (so this is 6 total since lunch) and failed again. I growled loudly, tore it out again, wrapped it up and threw it across the room, giving up. Then I promptly poured a LARGE glass of wine and logged onto World of Warcraft and killed things in there for about two hours to burn out the frustration, then went to bed still stewing over it.

Technically a day is 24 hours so, this continued to this morning. Slept like crap after waking up in the middle of the night with a bought of acid reflux (probably from the wine) and had to take meds for that but took some time to get back to sleep so when the alarm went off, I was still exhausted. I’d have just called out but the lady I assist needs me to drive her to meetings today so, that wasn’t an option. Was doing prep for SCA Coronation this weekend, digging out some fabric to take to work to cut out (conference room table is huge and great for this) and was discussing it with my friend on her drive to work phone call, when she questioned how the drive for me was less than the drive for her to the site. So I then looked up the distance and drivetime to the event, which I planned on day tripping because I can’t afford a hotel room to stay up there when I’m going on vacation on the 10th with my kids to Florida, to realize it was almost four hours one way to the event site. Well, maybe 15 years ago I could gung ho it for almost four hours each way for an SCA event but not anymore. I annoyingly admitted defeat to myself, told my friend I guess I wasn’t going to be able to come and stopped digging for fabric to cut out at work. Hung up the phone and went to my computer to post on the group page I couldn’t attend. When I hit post, it marked it as spam and set it to pend for approval. (Anger amped up 10 fold). I have had this ongoing problem for about three or so months now that all my posts to groups I am a member of on Facebook are marked as spam and go to pending for approval. Even if the group does not have the posting settings set that way. I have contacted the help center, entered a bug report multiple times, found an email online where I can report a bug but got no response from that. I get no write backs from FB saying why its happening nor have they notified me that I had done something wrong to deserve what is happening when I post. (anger amped up another 10 fold) I don’t know about you reader (if there in fact are any out there) but this is the point where I messaged my friend and told her not to count on me to assist her during this reign because of the placement of events being all up north and not having the funds to constantly get hotel rooms. That my participation will most likely be all virtual because of it. And then, like a 10 year old having a melt down I typed to her that at this point with all the other issues I have dealt with in the SCA (posted on it previously) that I am at the point of being ready to quit it entirely and just say fuck it all.

So here I am, sitting at work typing out my frustrations instead of actually, you know, working. I leave in fifteen mins to take the counselor to the school for her meetings. Another counselor came in to tell me about work that has to be done ASAP (which all her work seems to have to be done that way) in my minute amount of time i have when I’ll actually be in the office and the only thing I actually want to do is go home, put on my jammies, crawl back into bed, have a good cry and go to sleep till 2025. Or at least till I leave for Florida on the 10th. I am so tired. But instead, I’m going to get the forms the counselor needs for the meetings, grab my sock knitting for between the meetings (because socks apparently are the only thing I’m good at knitting and should give up trying anything else), snag one of the energy drinks I have in the office fridge and drive to the local high school for the meetings and try not to fall asleep during them. If anyone has any energy to spare, please send it my way. Until later my friends

Ciao.

Life, The Universe and Nothing…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Nothing really new that is, really. Well, not anything greatly big anyway. I can see it’s been some time since I’ve written. I’ve always thought because of my love for journaling I’d do this more often. I journal in a hand written journal and online but I find that my time to do either is nil. Nearly a year ago I got a promotion in my office to be a counselor assistant. My old position of office assistant has yet to be filled so I’m pulling double duty for tasks on a daily basis. They had hired someone but two weeks before her start date, she backed out, so now I’m doing these tasks for the foreseeable future. It’s really super frustrating.

The summer is over all too soon but there were many days of swimming and floating in the pool, BBQ on the firepit hubby made, family and friends visiting and starry nights stared up at with my hubby while sitting in front of a glowing fire pit. Our garden was very abundant in its growing of string beans, tomatoes, peppers and herbs. Sunflowers also grew to dizzying heights of at least 12 to 14 feet. They’re at the point of cutting off and roasting the seeds in the oven. The corn didn’t do as well. It grew the tallest I have ever seen in my life. Hubby is 6’3 and when he stood next to it and raised his arm straight up (8 ft) the corn was a good 2 feet above that. Though it grew tall, the ears were small and not very full. Not sure if it was all the rain in the beginning of the summer or what. Tried growing purple beans but they were not nearly as productive as the green ones. I swear we picked no less than 50 pounds of beans and there are some on there now that are beyond eating due to age. I’m going to let them dry and plant them next year. Lots of jalapeno’s, so much so we are going to try pickling them. Italian oregano regrew from last year as well as the thyme. We also had basil. We tried onions and carrots but they didn’t do well. We waited till mid July to plant the squash and pumpkins trying to avoid some vine boring bug that killed them last year. I think planting them that late has made them not grow as well. Banana squash, baking pumpkins, Hubbard squash all have fruit but not as big as it should be by now. Normally you plant it in May but the bug comes out of the soil shortly after that. I read online some where it said to wait till mid July to plant to avoid those bugs. Next year we will try mid June and see if that avoids the bug but makes the fruit produce better. I found it amusing a pumpkin i had at the stairs by our drive way that rotted some and collapsed before I cleaned it up, must have left behind some seeds and now there is a pumpkin vine growing there tracing up the wrought iron hand rail to the steps and snaking along the lawn. There is one decent size pumpkin already turning orange there. Something was eating the flowers earlier but no longer. Hopefully they grow. We grow these and bake/puree them and give to the dogs with their food for fiber. They love it. So much so they became snobs and wont eat the canned pure pumpkin we gave them when we ran out of what we grew from the previous year. Silly corgis.

I was given my own office at work finally. It is VERY decorated with dozens of pictures of my family and friends on one wall and on top of the filing cabinets, a tapestry on the wall behind me that looks like the forest and on the left of my desk is a cork board with documents I need to reference on a daily basis. There is a waxing/waning moon in a filigree cut out over my door and a tapestry bell pull I made of Iris hanging in the side light window next to the door. Its a very eclectic room. Very cozy and inviting is what people tell me when they came in. I love the privacy and not feeling like I am sitting in a fish bowl any longer. While I don’t have a window, I do have a sky light that straddles the wall between my office and my neighbors and it brightens the room significantly enough I don’t need to have the overhead light on.

NY Sheep and Wool is fast approaching and I am excited about it. I honestly don’t need any yarn (Yes, you heard me)but I enjoy the time with my friends, who are traveling out from western PA and Ohio, walking around, looking at patterns and notions and of course there is always the fair food that is just yummy. The specialty places come out like roasted Brussel sprouts with melted cheese, fried artichokes, lobster rolls, etc. I always pick up new insoles for my hubby’s boots made of sheep’s wool which are excellent for padding and warmth in the winter when his construction jobs keep him in the cold. In March we had a knitting weekend at the friend’s home that lives in Pittsburgh and we went on our own yarn crawl to stores around her town. And we also agreed on a poncho we were all going to make with our own color choice and started it. They are wonderful friends that broadened my knitting knowledge with new stitches and how to color change, lace knit, etc. It was a wonderful bonding weekend and I look forward to spending more time with these ladies in a couple weeks.

I must run, things to do and all. Ill be updating my embroidery blog next. Until next time….

Ciao!

It’s Just One of Those Days…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Wake up. Go to work. Pick up boys from work. Go home. Sleep. Rinse, repeat.

That has pretty much what my life has been for some time now and I am not that upset about it. It has been calm and quiet. Everyone is well, everyone seems relatively happy. There have been various things like I got a promotion at work which came with a descent pay raise. My student loans were forgiven and the relief that has given me to know I don’t have that debt hanging over my head anymore is wonderful! I believe my husband feels the same way. Office life is pretty good. New job has its stressful days but its the workload that can be stressing, not the work itself. I’ve become pretty good at “leaving it at the office” and not bringing it home. Took me a while to realize that there are no merit based raises and that I didn’t need to do all the things because the percentage raise I would get is the same from year to year whether I was doing excellent or just satisfactory.

I have done something I thought I would never do: I applied to graduate school for a Masters in Science for Rehabilitation Counseling. There is a scholarship that will pay for all the tuition through the state. I talked to several friends who I am very close to and asked their advice on going back to college and pretty much all of them said a free Master’s degree is not something you turn down. The pay increase to become a counselor is something like 20K + a year more than I am making now. I had my interview for entrance into the program the other day. I feel like I totally botched it but my coworkers who are currently in the program said I didn’t and were very comforting. I was pretty upset. I have some really great coworkers. A couple of them wrote recommendation letters for me for my application. They are very reassuring and have offered to help me with schooling and my studies.

Its Friday, work is nearly done and the weekend is upon us. Its time to start the garden and ill be buying many bags of dirt and fertilizer to get it going. Its time to plant peas and lettuce. More later. Im determined to blog more about my boring and every day life. But right now, its about time to leave and there is a glass of Cardbordeaux sangria in my very near future. Ciao!

It was rough last week…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

It’s Monday. It’s raining and cool out. The “I don’t wannas” are strong this morning. It was very difficult getting out of bed, perfect sleeping in conditions. This past week was rough, the weekend even more so.

Over Easter weekend I spent that Saturday in the ER because my oldest had a seizure three days after being weaned off the meds. I don’t know if it was from going off the meds as my brother in law suggested or if its something else. All the brain scans came back negative. They put him back on the meds for now. We’ll get a couple other tests done.

Wednesday, I spent the morning in the ER with my husband, who’d taken a fall in the rafters of a roof and ripped the skin back on his forearm on nails sticking out of one of the boards. He got six stitches with steri-strips. They’d have put more in but since he’s allergic to lidocaine or Novocain or any of those types of meds, they had to stitch him without any numbing agent. He said it only hurt a little bit. He never flinched so he is either good at hiding it or the fact that it didn’t really do any damage under the skin kept the nerve damage down.

Also on Wednesday, my friend Ernie, lost his battle with colon cancer, which he’d been battling since 2019. It hit me hard. He was a very good friend, a teacher and a surrogate father. I was warned he most likely wouldn’t make it through the night by my best friend who was also close to him, so my very understanding boss let me go early from work so I could get up there and say goodbye. He was heavily drugged for the pain with hydromorphone so he wasn’t very alert. I held his hand and talked to him and told him how much me and my family loved him, how he affected our lives and gave him a hug and kiss. He squeezed my hand a few times. I know he could hear but alertness and verbal response was not there. While talking to his wife about some topic i cant recall, he shook his head quickly no in disagreement to it, so I knew he could hear. His breathing was very labored because of the tumors in his lungs. It was so painful seeing him that way after knowing him for over 20 years as a boisterous, happy, laughing man. I left at 8pm when visiting hours were over and drove the hour home in tears. At 10:20pm, my best friend called to say he was gone. I cried and cried. I didn’t sleep the rest of the night. I called off work the next day because I was too emotional to deal with work, but also I looked like I went five rounds with Mike Tyson in a prize fight and lost. I cried most of the morning reading stories and seeing pictures on Facebook that people were sharing. I went back to work Friday. He was buried Saturday with full military honors. So many people came! Id bet there had to be at least a hundred people there and i know of at least a dozen that lived a distance away that couldnt make the trip for various reasons, that wanted to be there. People spoke good memories of him, some making us laugh and some cry. I was a pallbearer to carrying him out of the hearse and onto a stand for the “viewing”.

It was natural burial with no casket. He was a veteran and buried in his uniform, on a board and wrapped completely in what looked like muslin fabric with hemp handles for carrying him. He was laid to rest in the ground right into the dirt. No concrete vault like they do with a casket. I like that idea. I was thinking about being cremated but I think this sounds better…feeding the trees.

Afterwards we had a wake and there was so much food!!! So many stories told, so many laughs. I think he would have loved it and he was smiling down from above. I went home afterwards and sat on my sunporch listening to classical music, knitting and decompressing. A real whopper of a thunderstorm blew in and lasted for about an hour. It was awesome.

I will miss that man so much. I feel like there is a hole in me because he’s gone. It will take a long time to heal and it will leave a scar I’m sure. Rest in peace, Ernie, and if you wouldn’t mind, say hi to my Dad for me and that I love him.

Ernie Sanford-Martinez 11/14/46 – 4/12/23

Being Oblivious

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I try to walk through this world making as little waves as possible. I have always put others happiness before my own. So when someone I care about told me they hold resentments towards me, let me tell you it shook me to my core. I was rendered speechless. How do you deal with that? What did I do? How do I fix it? Can I even fix it? I’m sitting here wondering what I’d done to form resentment and I can only come up with my kids. I’ve been told I’m a helicopter mom. I put their needs before my own. I am too lenient with them. I don’t push them enough and maybe their right. One kid has survived cancer and let me tell you watching your child go through that when all I wanted to do was to be able to take that away from him so he wasn’t in pain, weak, sick, struggling…it changes you. It makes you paranoid over the second child and what could happen to him. Maybe I have let them get away with more than I should have and protecting them has always come first. I need to get past that I suppose. I know even I feel I’ve let my youngest get away with not growing up for lack of a better word. Maybe it will bite me in the ass when I am pushing him more, which I am doing. But, never, never did I think it would cause someone to resent me. How does one handle being told that?! I feel I am naive in all this. I feel like a bloody idiot.

It is now I realize I need to find a therapist to speak with. I can’t deal with everything on my own and that my mental health needs to come first. I feel like I have years worth of issues I need to deal with. Taking that first step is the hardest and scariest.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” – Dao De Jing

2023 is All About Me!

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Yea, I’m a poet and I didn’t know it. Anyway, I spent New Years with my friends like we do every year. A lovely time was had by all, though it was hard to stay up to midnight and watch the ball drop. It was just me and the three teenagers. I was glad I did.

I plan on focusing on me. What I want to do. What I want to make. Getting in better shape and health. Finishing unfinished projects that have been in limbo for so long (*cough, cough* basementrenovation *cough,cough…gives evil eye to hubby*)

I want to rationalize the money I spend. Take a pause when I see something Im about to buy and think is this something I actually need or is it an impulse buy? Put more in savings for something down the road like traveling.

I want to learn more. Since I started dating my now husband, he took over the cooking in exchange for I do all the laundry. While this is great for me, it means my cooking talents have gotten lost. I also have no imagination except for really simple things. Im great cooking italian but other then that I stand in front of the fridge or freezer completely uninspired. I started compiling a list of thing I wanted to do or learn.

-Take some cooking lessons. I want to be able to look at whats in the fridge or pantry cabinets and come up with something tasty and fun or interesting for dinner. Something my picky boys will eat too.

-Start taking guitar lessons again. Years ago when my boys were young, I was taking lessons in PA at a local music shop. I had to quit because their Dad got overtime and I had no sitter for them to go to the lessons. Now, they are 18 and 21 so no worries about needing a sitter.

-Yoga. I have never tried yoga. I have always had the mindset that because I’m overweight that I would not be able to perform the moves. I had given up before Id even tried. That changes now.

-More art and creativity in my life. I knit. I embroider. I feel like I’m in a rut though. I cross stitch, which i have done since I was 7. I do free embroidery where i draw the image on a transfer medium and then use that as a template. But, thanks to Pinterest and Instagram, I have found so many different types of projects, embroidery techniques and styles and I WANT TO TRY THEM ALL!!! So, break out of my rut, my comfort zone and try something new. My Pinterest board has so many ideas pinned it would take me a lifetime..or more to try them all.

-Organization and housekeeping. My house is pretty clean. With three corgis there is dog hair and of course, dust (which is the chore i hate the most). Years ago my Mom use to use this index card system that sorted the chores into days of the week. I want to say it was called The Fly Lady system. Monday you would vacuum and do two loads of laundry. Tuesday you would dust and run the dishwasher. Wednesday: clean the bathroom..etc., etc. with chores for each day of the week. Its purpose was to not make you feel overwhelmed and things got done and didn’t take a lot of time. I think each chore card had an estimated time of how long it would take. I remember helping my mother (I was maybe 10?) as part of my chores. She’d always give us the little ones like dusting the end tables. But anyway, to get into something like that again.

-Read more. While I love having paper books in my hand to read, it isn’t always feasible. Therefore my Kindle app or Audible app keeps me reading when Im someplace and do not have a book with me. On facebook, I shared a post from someone else about suggesting books to me to read and there is quite a few listed in the responses. I’ve made a list by my computer to check them off and read them before 2023 ends. Also, some classics. Kindle usually offers them for free.

-The big one: learn to love myself. In truth I don’t hate myself, I hate my body. Im very overweight and its hard to drop any weight between medical conditions and serious injuries ive suffered over the years (broken back, herniated disks in neck and low back, etc). I want to look in the mirror and not hate myself. Not feel badly about walking in front of a mirror that is lower than my upper chest. I see these women on Tiktok who have such confidence and self love (and yes I’m sure its not every day and that they have their bad days) but one in particular use to be a model I believe and then had children and as lots of women do, she gained weight. She is happy that way because she isn’t starving herself and having food intake constantly at the forefront of her mind. I want to be like that. This is a change in thought process, which is not easy. I grew up with a parent that was very concerned with how you looked, dressed, whether you wore lipstick, if your hair was coifed, etc. If you put on weight (which with puberty is when I started to) she would let you know it and lets just say tact is not something she knows. But I digress. I want to love myself more.

I know my goals are probably the same as many, many people in the world. I purposely will not put deadlines on them (especially the weightloss ones) because I dont want it to be “I hit the date, reached my goal, Im done!” I want this to go on and on for the rest of my days. Broaden my mind. Self improvement. Learn as much as I can.

Well, Its about time to start dinner.

Ciao!