The Drama Llama’s are Stampeding

Posted on by Jennifer GB

If you’ve ever worked in an office, especially an office with only women, the drama and cattiness is just profound sometimes. This week, the llamas have been stampeding through the office and somehow I keep getting trampled.

This week, the counselor I assist who is rather difficult sometimes..who am I kidding, all the time, has decided to be condescending and chastising in emails again because of work i executed while she was off. Apparently she is checking her email on her off day (something they frown upon greatly here, when you’re off, you’re off). She didn’t like I did the requested research and instead of just sending to her so she can review (and change to look good in her favor so she doesn’t get in trouble for neglecting cases), i sent to her and copied her supervisor. In emails a day or so previously, the supervisor requested I do this. Then another piece of work I’d done that needed approval, I sent to her supervisor instead of the office one (who left early for the day). She proceeded to tear me down in emails where she copied both hers and my supervisor. I responded to one, which only further ignited her ire in the next email, however, when her supervisor chimed in to essentially say let it go Id done nothing wrong, it felt quite gratifying to see her shut down. She had no further emails after that. That was Wednesday and yesterday.

Today, it was another coworker who apparently had her feelings hurt we haven’t asked her if she wanted food from where we were ordering from in about a year. Here’s the thing, she has many food allergies, is also vegan and every time we’d asked if she wanted anything from the two restaurants we order from, she always declines saying there isn’t anything I can really eat there. So that’s why we stopped asking because we felt bad. Apparently, it was the wrong thing to do and now there is a chip on her shoulder the size of Mt Fiji. I give up. She asked me the other day why I was so quiet. I shrugged. I come to work go in my office, close the door and do the work I am emailed. When it’s five o’clock, I leave and go home to the people I love. It’s disheartening that people feel this way. Its not intentional, but they’re allowed to feel what they want to feel. I don’t know if its because I’m getting older but I am over it. Life is too short and too precious to hold these grudges and ill feelings. It’s days like this I really wish to find a 100% remote job and do that so I am at least in an environment that is not stressful and full of drama like this. I remember when I first was hired for this position and having my first ever full blown panic attack the night before starting because I was worried I would lose my calm and happy unstressed self working in this type of environment again. I was literally sobbing on the phone to my best friend about my concerns. I couldn’t breath. I was hyperventilating with worry and concern. I thought I was having a heart attack. My hubby was the one who pushed me to find a job out of the home because he thought I needed the socializing since between COVID and workman’s comp from a neck injury, I hadn’t worked in over a year. I will admit, there is a little small bit of me that holds it against him for making me do this because I am feeling exactly what I feared I would. A small bit of me that blames him for my stress and upset from working in an office environment again. I’ve never said it to him, nor will I ever voice it to him but its there and I am sure he realizes it. When I’ve come home in tears or spouting hateful venom or just completely silent and I literally skip dinner and go to bed for the rest of the night at what has happened that day, I’m sure he knows and I hope he feels a little bit guilty. Don’t get me wrong I love him dearly and will forever, but still.

Well that went down hill rather quickly! It’s Friday and the day is done in roughly 3 hours. I will pick up my oldest from work, grab some take out for dinner as is our weekly tradition and go home where I will be in my PJs within 10 mins of walking in the door. I work remotely on Monday too. Do I have plans? No. My only goal for the weekend is to put away the rest of the clean laundry that has been sitting in baskets in my room for three days now. Putting it away is what I hate most about that chore but I think pretty much everyone feels that way, right? Also, knit. I’m trying to get past the difficult point in the shawl I’m making for a co-worker for Christmas (i adore her) and get to the easy part that will go quickly. I think I’ll bake cookies as well. Maybe some home made bread. I am weary.

Well, I’m gonna finish the work day and afterwards tend the proverbial hoof bruises on my back after I am home.

Ciao.

Its just one of those days

Posted on by Jennifer GB

You know the kind. Nothing goes right no matter what you try. Last night it was knitting related. I was trying a new pattern, a shawl for a co worker that I got the design off of Ravelry. This is the pattern: https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/18-petale-de-rose
I started at lunch at work attempting this pattern. My friends have told me if I can do socks I can do anything since socks can be complicated. So, what the hell! I believed them and picked this up. Ordered the yarn for it off Amazon which took forever to be delivered because, come to find out, it was being shipped from Turkey. I really wish it would be more prominently displayed on Amazon where the item you’re interested in buying is shipping from. So I started the pattern during my lunch hour at work. I think I tore it out at least twice during that time and said I’d consult with my expert friends when I got home. So, I preceded to try again, tore it out. Tried a second time and was frustrated. Took a pic and sent to my friends. They’d never done it so, they were unsure either. Tried again two more times (so this is 6 total since lunch) and failed again. I growled loudly, tore it out again, wrapped it up and threw it across the room, giving up. Then I promptly poured a LARGE glass of wine and logged onto World of Warcraft and killed things in there for about two hours to burn out the frustration, then went to bed still stewing over it.

Technically a day is 24 hours so, this continued to this morning. Slept like crap after waking up in the middle of the night with a bought of acid reflux (probably from the wine) and had to take meds for that but took some time to get back to sleep so when the alarm went off, I was still exhausted. I’d have just called out but the lady I assist needs me to drive her to meetings today so, that wasn’t an option. Was doing prep for SCA Coronation this weekend, digging out some fabric to take to work to cut out (conference room table is huge and great for this) and was discussing it with my friend on her drive to work phone call, when she questioned how the drive for me was less than the drive for her to the site. So I then looked up the distance and drivetime to the event, which I planned on day tripping because I can’t afford a hotel room to stay up there when I’m going on vacation on the 10th with my kids to Florida, to realize it was almost four hours one way to the event site. Well, maybe 15 years ago I could gung ho it for almost four hours each way for an SCA event but not anymore. I annoyingly admitted defeat to myself, told my friend I guess I wasn’t going to be able to come and stopped digging for fabric to cut out at work. Hung up the phone and went to my computer to post on the group page I couldn’t attend. When I hit post, it marked it as spam and set it to pend for approval. (Anger amped up 10 fold). I have had this ongoing problem for about three or so months now that all my posts to groups I am a member of on Facebook are marked as spam and go to pending for approval. Even if the group does not have the posting settings set that way. I have contacted the help center, entered a bug report multiple times, found an email online where I can report a bug but got no response from that. I get no write backs from FB saying why its happening nor have they notified me that I had done something wrong to deserve what is happening when I post. (anger amped up another 10 fold) I don’t know about you reader (if there in fact are any out there) but this is the point where I messaged my friend and told her not to count on me to assist her during this reign because of the placement of events being all up north and not having the funds to constantly get hotel rooms. That my participation will most likely be all virtual because of it. And then, like a 10 year old having a melt down I typed to her that at this point with all the other issues I have dealt with in the SCA (posted on it previously) that I am at the point of being ready to quit it entirely and just say fuck it all.

So here I am, sitting at work typing out my frustrations instead of actually, you know, working. I leave in fifteen mins to take the counselor to the school for her meetings. Another counselor came in to tell me about work that has to be done ASAP (which all her work seems to have to be done that way) in my minute amount of time i have when I’ll actually be in the office and the only thing I actually want to do is go home, put on my jammies, crawl back into bed, have a good cry and go to sleep till 2025. Or at least till I leave for Florida on the 10th. I am so tired. But instead, I’m going to get the forms the counselor needs for the meetings, grab my sock knitting for between the meetings (because socks apparently are the only thing I’m good at knitting and should give up trying anything else), snag one of the energy drinks I have in the office fridge and drive to the local high school for the meetings and try not to fall asleep during them. If anyone has any energy to spare, please send it my way. Until later my friends

Ciao.

Exhaustion, Depression and Stress..OH MY!

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I opened Facebook this morning and saw a stunning picture of friends in front of glorious scenery on their vacation abroad and while I was so happy for them that they saw such wondrous views and had these fabulous experiences and OH MY GLOB that waterfall was just breathtaking….I burst into tears.  Not really the reaction I was expecting to come from myself. Quite shocking actually. Admittedly, I was envious of them. I adore them completely, I have no ill feelings in even the slightest towards them and their various trips they take I live vicariously through their pictures grinning from ear to ear and vowing I will go there someday, but I am envious.  I am finding a lot of late, that i am envious of what everyone is doing, the lives their living. They are living…..LIVING!! I feel like I am barely surviving each day and each day it is a struggle to do that.

The old saying that goes something along the lines of three steps forward, two steps back (or however it goes) I think is going to be my new mantra. When I feel like I get a handle on things, something trips me up or shoves me back a bit. This morning started with challenges (like waking at 3 am and not getting back to sleep) and try as I might to not let it set my mood for the day, it did.  It started with something as small as my son not brushing his teeth…for several days because he never unpacked his overnight bag from a sleep over. I mean..come on!! Yea, I know..he’s 12 and I should know better. I guess I underestimate my kids in hoping they will do basic hygiene every day without me having to remind them to do it. *smacks forehead* How silly of me!  Lesson learned: 12 year old boys don’t care nor think about these things. (Note to self: Start taping reminder notes to their mirrors and computer screens) I became very angry over this situation. Probably more so than I should have. I yelled. He cringed. The puppy cowered. I stormed out to go to work feeling like worse Mom in the world.

Now, today was to be the first therapy appointments for he and I. Being majorly stressed at all that has happened and is happening in our lives of late, I was very much looking forward to it. I should have known that it wouldn’t be that easy, it never seems to be in my life.  Mind you, i worked for a couple weeks with a case worker through my insurance company to find the right therapist that would fit for both my son and I. They took my insurance as well.  This morning at 8:30, the therapy office called to tell me my son’s insurance was canceled at the end of January and they couldn’t find me in the system. I felt my heart skip and start to beat faster and I think my eye even started to twitch a little.  After a call to the insurance company to verify we were still there and active, which we were, I called the office back. It was then they said they did find us, but, as it turns out, they don’t take the plan type that we have with said insurance company. However, they could set up a private pay price so that I could keep the appointment.  At this point I can now feel my pulse in my neck and temples and the angry tears started brimming in my eyes and I believe the next words I said were “Are you fucking kidding me!?” came out of my mouth and the lady uttered an oh my seemingly shocked to her foundations that I had the audacity to swear. Can someone please tell me why these offices can not check out the insurance eligibility prior to the few hours before the appointment?!  I promptly told her to cancel the appointments as I would not be keeping them since they didn’t take our policy and I certainly don’t have the funds to pay for their “private pay” fee.   Weeks communicating with a case worker named Johanna at our insurance company via email and phone calls and she couldn’t even tell that this place didn’t take my plan type?! Isn’t that this case worker’s job? To confirm these little details before saying Go ahead and make an appointment?  I called the insurance company back yet again and well, she couldn’t answer my call right now and would get back to me.  Right after that, the hospital calls to say I have to come back down (after I just left there yesterday afternoon from being there this whole weekend) so that they can train me on how to run a pump for an NG tube for feedings.  I was there..for four days, and not once could they have shown me this while I was there and they were doing them? After being told earlier that a visiting nurse would come teach me at my home, I am now told I HAVE to come back down and do a 3 hour drive because they do not trust outside visiting nurses. There is now a red haze on the edges of my vision.

I feel utterly beaten down, deflated and broken. Thankfully I am at work alone right now because I sat at my desk here and bawled in complete frustration and anger for quite some time. When that happens, the mind wanders through the strangest things and you reflect on a hundred things that have nothing to do with the insurance company but only further you’re growing depression over the situation and what life has thrown at you. My brain decided to reflect on my missed vacations due to health reasons with my husband last year..then this year with my oldest son’s..not to mention caused us to post pone our wedding and cancel a honeymoon all together. It reminds me of how poorly I feel i am handling my life right now which consists of work, trying to maintain the house and the rotating hospital stays for treatment or pop up fevers and try to raise another child who is also dealing with the stresses of a sibling with a major illness and acting out accordingly. Oh yea..and a puppy who seems to be have an endless amount of poop and always has accidents no matter how many times we take him outside to do his business. He reminds me of one of those play-doh extrusion toys!   In one end and out the other almost immediately! My brain decided to remind me of just how much life I was missing and all the fun I was not having. All the life we are not living.  I feel like the most selfish person in the world right now. I feel like I should be able to push all this aside and be that good strong person and focus entirely on his treatment and be that positive, uplifting supermom i should be. I am not. I feel like a failure on top of the extreme selfishness.

I know..this isn’t forever. I have had multiple people state that to me to try to help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. FYI: It doesn’t help.  I know that when he is cured and back to his old self this will be something to reflect on as a struggle we got through and move in with our life.  But that time is not here yet. There are still months ahead of us in going through his treatment to reach that end goal. Hard, tough, stressful, painful months. We are barely half way in all this and I pray I can make it all the way through mentally and hell..even physically. I am trying to take it one day at a time so as not to feel overwhelmed, which is a monstrous feet in of itself. I have a feeling I will end up on some type of anxiety/stress medication and almost definitely something for blood pressure before the end of all this. I am fried.

I did warn you at the creation of this blog it wasn’t going to be all rainbows and unicorns and sunflowers, right? Right?!

 

 

 

 

 

Frustrations & Complaints (move along if you don’t want to read further)

Posted on by Jennifer GB

The night didn’t go so well. The lack of sleep has caused me to be in a foul disposition thus is going to reflect in this post.  The IV machine kept beeping and of course the nurses didn’t hear it so it would wake me up and I would have to go out and let them know that there was an issue with his fluids. This happened at least three times.  Then he had to use the restroom so he needs a hand with that..mainly rolling the IV cart and maneuvering it for him since he is half asleep.  All that started at like 12:30. I started to drift back off and then some weird ass dream woke me up and had my heart pounding. I can’t even recall what it was now. Then, the hunger set in. It was damn near overpowering too. I kept craving sushi in the worse possible way. I seriously debated going down to the cafe that is open 24 hours but all the food is starting to taste the same there and from what the nurses said, they aren’t that well stocked in the wee hours of the morning. So, after a cursory search of the floor to see if there were snacks of any type other than saltines or graham crackers, I went back to bed. The hunger pangs kept me up though and I decided to surf Facebook. Why oh why do all the amazing and scrumptious looking recipe videos come up at that time, when I am soooo hungry?!  It was torture, I tell you. I finally fell back asleep sometime around three is my guess.  But, the damn beeping IV machine woke me at 5:45.

On the complaint front, while the nurses are wonderful as well as the other staff here, the facilities leave quite a bit to be desired. First, they have these vinyl pull out couches and they have to be only slightly more comfortable to sleep on than the floor. Let me tell you, osteoarthritis and this couch do not get along what so ever.  I usually take Advil PM in order to get a good nights sleep, but last night I forgot to. Just as well I suppose considering Kyle needed help.

The bathrooms. We have been in here probably at least ten times now, and in as many different rooms.  Every room (save one) is equipped with these filters over all the faucets including the shower heads.  Our guess is they are the equivalent of Brita filters so the water is clean for patients with compromised immune systems to bath or wash hands without worry of bacteria. Here’s the problem. These filters, they clog up within two showers and then the water flow is a trickle coming out. And that is if there is a descent water pressure, which a lot of times there isn’t.  Nor hot water, or a semblance there of. The current room has a puddle in the base of the tub that has rust in it. Apparently there is also a problem with how they are leveled so they dont drain properly.

This is a children’s hospital. Children of this day and age have electronic devices that rely on internet such as tablets, cell phones, laptops and gaming systems. I have seen them all in various rooms (one teen had the whole X-Box One with Connect set up).  The problem is, when the internet infrastructure was installed, they underestimated the demand on it so it is very laggy. They also linked all the nurses mobile computer stations to be wireless as well so add that to the demand of mobile devices of the patients and families and calling it mediocre would be a kindness.  A simple video chat with loved ones is just about out of the question let alone playing a game or streaming a movie or show.  Thankfully, Kyle has a bag of dvd’s he brings with him and is happy with that.

I see the hospital updating the grounds right outside our window. There use to be a mini golf course and they have chain-link fenced off the are and are dubbing it Phase 2 of the gardens.  The nurse and I both said, wouldn’t the funds have been put to better use for updating the bathrooms/plumbing/computer issues (just to name a few)?  I know i would have budgeted the money for those things other than a new garden.

One thing I do find amusing is there is a ghost in the room. The automatic feed paper towel dispenser just randomly feeds out paper towels without anyone being near it to wave a hand in front of it.  *insert twilight-zone music here*

On an up note (I did say last night I would try) Kyle is in good spirits. My mother is coming to visit with belated presents for him which he is entirely too excited about.  He is smiling a lot and eating cheese its like they are going out of style. Milk and Dr Pepper too.  He has made a request for mini powdered donuts as well.

I feel a nap coming on. I think Ill go give in before company arrives. If you’ve stayed this long dear readers, thanks for listening to my vent. It did help some. I will just be glad when these hospital stays are in our past and he is cured and recovered to his old self again.

Ciao