You Can Wish in One Hand…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Well, you know how the rest of the saying goes. Life has been busy and I wish there were more hours in the day to do all that I want (and need) to do. For instance, different types of crafts. I have a room full of crafting supplies such as many, many skeins of yarn, boxes of embroidery threads in varying content (silk, cotton, wool), fabric for sewing garb, hundreds of patterns for costumes, knitted items and embroidery. There are some odd ball things down in that room that I obtained the supplies for but have not started like mandala rock painting or ballet point shoes to paint and decorate or teeny tiny crochet hooks so I can try crocheting those beaded tube bracelets. Yet, what I end up doing more often than not is knitting with scrap yarn (which there is a metric ton of practically) and making scrunchies or wrist warmers. Or, of course, socks, but the scrunchies and wrist warmers are a memorized pattern and i don’t need to look at anything while doing it so its my go to for knitting while watching tv after work or even when I take my son to the movies and I knit during it if it isn’t one in particular that I wanted to see, but I go with him so he can see it. Oh, you know what else is down there? About a hundred blank journals to write down my thoughts but what I realize is I don’t get to journal everyday like I want to due to the fact that by the end of the work day I am mentally exhausted and all I want to do is play the Oscar winning role of a couch potato watching Supernatural re-runs on Netflix. My hubby who is a carpenter does a similar version of my role on the other end of the couch but his artistic medium is more musically based with varying base tones of snoring. While he is physically exhausted from his profession, mine is mental. Yes, I said it, my job makes me mental and I am about to embark on the next level of this by returning to college, after 20 years to earn a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Counseling so I can more knowledgably help people with disabilities become educated and gainfully employed. Not to mention, the pay raise will be significant and alleviate the stresses of the rising costs of living that has come with the current POTUS despite his claims and promises it would go down drastically when he was voted in again ( and not by me, let me just say that right now and make that clear).

In another instance that falls under helping people, a couple weeks ago while talking to my Mom, she mentioned her frustrations with transferring funds and shares from my deceased Father’s name to hers. See, its been three years since he passed and these funds/shares, etc. have a time limit on transferring them over or they become unclaimed property by the state. Since my Dad never made a will (because he was paranoid if he did it would make him die sooner?? I don’t really know..), nothing was made legal of how he wanted his estate handled. Now, let me just say I love my Mom, as trying as she can be sometimes, she is not tech savvy at all, has a short fuse with things she doesn’t understand and she also has the attention span of a goldfish if it isn’t in her scope of interest, i.e.: the amount of paperwork it takes to get said items transferred to her name. This is why things have sat for three years and she was in a panic two weeks ago on the phone with me when she started getting letters saying if she didn’t take care of it she’d lose what he had. So, even though I am stressed with “college crunch time” at work, I made her send me all the letters, death documents, statements, phone numbers and notes on conversations she’s had with financial advisers and I set myself upon this task for her. After two weeks, two financial adviser conversations and one state treasury conversation later (and several hours filling out forms and scanning documents), yesterday I emailed the last document out for her and hopefully in about a month, all these outstanding things will be handled. The gratitude in her voice when she said thank you for handling it for her made it worth it, but I will say that after work yesterday (and the final email sent) I sat on the sofa knitting a wrist warmer and watched Jaws 1, 2 and 3. Well, most of three because the 3D effect and the graphics of the movie were so bad even my mentally fatigued mind had had enough and I went to bed. That was 10pm. At 2:30am, a shout from my son’s bedroom (an excited shout at a video game he was playing, yes he’s a night owl) woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep. So, here I am journaling at 3:30am and it’s the weekend so it doesn’t matter I’m awake this early because I can nap later while floating in the pool.

One thing I do wish is that instead of playing the Oscar wining role of a slug watching t.v., I’d like to be one of those people that handles stress by getting up and being active or exercising to alleviate it. I went on Wegovy about 10 months ago and have lost 35 pounds. I feel better already, but my goal weight is still a weighs off (ha, ha..see what I did there?) and I have hit a plateau for about two months now. Being more active would help with that I’m sure. It makes me think what makes one person love say mountain biking or jogging as a hobby and another like hand crafts or some other less active activity. I would say my injuries are my reason (having had a back breaking car accident at 24 which is now osteoarthritis). I wants to be and wish I were more active. I also wish to win the lottery so I don’t have to work and I can pursue my hobbies full time, but as they saying goes “We can wish in one hand…” you know how the rest goes.

One piece of advice before I sign off: MAKE A FUCKING WILL! Don’t leave your loved ones to go through this headache and heartache of stress and mounds of paperwork after you are gone. Put down what your wishes are and who beneficiaries are, make it all legal and pick an Executor/Executrix wisely, someone who has patience and knowledge to handle the phone calls, paperwork, cancellations of accounts, etc. You can do it online for free for God’s sake! There are several web sites out there that will help you. If you’re in a Union for your job, they most likely have assistance with this as well, as I know mine does. I miss you Dad, so damn much but seriously!?! (at least Mom learned from this and set things up immediately after my Dad died)

Well, I hear the coffee pot calling my name and hubby will be getting up soon. I will endeavor to post more often and I hope you all have a wonderful, wonderful day. Ciao!

It was rough last week…

Posted on by Jennifer GB

It’s Monday. It’s raining and cool out. The “I don’t wannas” are strong this morning. It was very difficult getting out of bed, perfect sleeping in conditions. This past week was rough, the weekend even more so.

Over Easter weekend I spent that Saturday in the ER because my oldest had a seizure three days after being weaned off the meds. I don’t know if it was from going off the meds as my brother in law suggested or if its something else. All the brain scans came back negative. They put him back on the meds for now. We’ll get a couple other tests done.

Wednesday, I spent the morning in the ER with my husband, who’d taken a fall in the rafters of a roof and ripped the skin back on his forearm on nails sticking out of one of the boards. He got six stitches with steri-strips. They’d have put more in but since he’s allergic to lidocaine or Novocain or any of those types of meds, they had to stitch him without any numbing agent. He said it only hurt a little bit. He never flinched so he is either good at hiding it or the fact that it didn’t really do any damage under the skin kept the nerve damage down.

Also on Wednesday, my friend Ernie, lost his battle with colon cancer, which he’d been battling since 2019. It hit me hard. He was a very good friend, a teacher and a surrogate father. I was warned he most likely wouldn’t make it through the night by my best friend who was also close to him, so my very understanding boss let me go early from work so I could get up there and say goodbye. He was heavily drugged for the pain with hydromorphone so he wasn’t very alert. I held his hand and talked to him and told him how much me and my family loved him, how he affected our lives and gave him a hug and kiss. He squeezed my hand a few times. I know he could hear but alertness and verbal response was not there. While talking to his wife about some topic i cant recall, he shook his head quickly no in disagreement to it, so I knew he could hear. His breathing was very labored because of the tumors in his lungs. It was so painful seeing him that way after knowing him for over 20 years as a boisterous, happy, laughing man. I left at 8pm when visiting hours were over and drove the hour home in tears. At 10:20pm, my best friend called to say he was gone. I cried and cried. I didn’t sleep the rest of the night. I called off work the next day because I was too emotional to deal with work, but also I looked like I went five rounds with Mike Tyson in a prize fight and lost. I cried most of the morning reading stories and seeing pictures on Facebook that people were sharing. I went back to work Friday. He was buried Saturday with full military honors. So many people came! Id bet there had to be at least a hundred people there and i know of at least a dozen that lived a distance away that couldnt make the trip for various reasons, that wanted to be there. People spoke good memories of him, some making us laugh and some cry. I was a pallbearer to carrying him out of the hearse and onto a stand for the “viewing”.

It was natural burial with no casket. He was a veteran and buried in his uniform, on a board and wrapped completely in what looked like muslin fabric with hemp handles for carrying him. He was laid to rest in the ground right into the dirt. No concrete vault like they do with a casket. I like that idea. I was thinking about being cremated but I think this sounds better…feeding the trees.

Afterwards we had a wake and there was so much food!!! So many stories told, so many laughs. I think he would have loved it and he was smiling down from above. I went home afterwards and sat on my sunporch listening to classical music, knitting and decompressing. A real whopper of a thunderstorm blew in and lasted for about an hour. It was awesome.

I will miss that man so much. I feel like there is a hole in me because he’s gone. It will take a long time to heal and it will leave a scar I’m sure. Rest in peace, Ernie, and if you wouldn’t mind, say hi to my Dad for me and that I love him.

Ernie Sanford-Martinez 11/14/46 – 4/12/23

Wonderful Weekend

Posted on by Jennifer GB

This weekend, was wonderful, as the title says. Saturday, I traveled to New Hampshire to Mayhem Tattoo in Salem where a friend works. He revitalized my old tattoo on my left wrist of my boys names as it has faded greatly in 16 years, and added two small charms to it. On my right wrist on the underside, he inked the memorial tattoo for my father who passed in July. He was a Ham Radio operator for as long as i have been alive. A friend on Facebook, who had chatted with each other on the radio, replied to my announcement with “W2ZY SK”. I asked what the SK was for, he said it stood for silent key which is what is used when an operator either passes away or no longer broadcasts. It inspired me and I designed a tattoo to memorialize him and his hobby. When it was done being applied (is that the right word to use? LOL), I cried. Later that night my sister and her family drove up to spend the weekend. It was the request of my niece for her 12th birthday to come up and visit us. On Sunday we all went apple picking. It was a gorgeous day. The farm we went to was mobbed! Apparently the prime day to apple pick. Well the eight of us probably picked close to 100 pounds of apples between us! We also got apple cider donuts and apple cider. After a couple hours we all went home. Hubby started applesauce and grilled steaks outside with my brother in law. Sis and I relaxed on the couch watching some tv and the kids “plugged in”. After a yummy dinner, Sis and Brother in law went to the Headless Horseman Halloween event they have every year. It was awesome! Lots and lots of walking but fun. It took two hours to get through all of it and when we got home, we collapsed. Between apple picking and headless horseman we walked a lot. Not being able to wear my watch to count steps I have no idea how much I walked. Sunday, we just relaxed, had ice cream cake for my niece as her birthday is in a couple days and she turns 12 and then they left to drive back home. I may have cried a little when they left. I didn’t want them to leave. I love the company of my sister and her family. Its always laid back and fun when we spend time together. I miss that so very much and never get enough of it. They talked about moving up this way when her husband retires from the township job he works at. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t a lot excited when i heard this. But that’s a way off and lots of things can happen between now and then. I’ll wish for it quietly in my head every day though. Well, work calls as I’m writing this on my lunch break. It was such a good weekend that I didnt even mind coming back to work today.

Ciao!

Death Sucks

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Happy Birthday, Dad. Today you would have been 75 years old. It’s also two months to the day from when you passed. You were an amazing Dad and I miss you terribly. You taught me so much but there was so much more I wanted to learn. I love you so much…always will. I pray you are not in pain anymore and are happily playing with your pets that have passed and throwing back a few beers with your buddies already up there. Watch over us, Kyle thinks and hopes you are already. Drop by on occasion and say hi if you’re able.

I love you, Pop.

Summer has Faded

Posted on by Jennifer GB

I had started a post back at the beginning of July I never got to finish, which I deleted. It started with the pain I was in from bad weather rolling through the area kicking my osteoarthritis into high gear and making me crabby. Making me depressed about how my life and health has gone since I was hit by the tractor trailer in 1997. The following week after that post, my father died suddenly. Yea..previous post paled in comparison so, yea.

Dad went in for aortic aneurysm repair, which was successful. Took a little while longer because of his weight but it got done and all was good. But then his gout kicked up in his knees and the doctors do not like to let you take your gout medication if your healing from a surgery. This prevented him from getting up and moving around post op. After some time and due diligence on my Sister’s part for getting previous medical records from his last surgery at a different hospital, they put him back on the meds which got Dad up and walking around. He was not long after, transferred to the rehabilitation facility to rebuild strength in his legs. A few days after being there, they found he had developed pulmonary embolisms from not getting up right away after surgery. Off to the ER he is rushed where they promptly admitted him to the ICU and gave him Heparin to get rid of the clots. He was there a couple days under observation, then they sent him back to the rehab. Two days later, the nurse walked in at 5am and found him gone. One of the clots had gotten loose and caused his death. He went quickly, I was told. My mother called me at 5:30 in the morning crying and telling me as she was running across the field to the rehab facility (which was next door to their home). I stood there in shock. I had just video chatted with him the previous night trying to help him with his phone, through my mom’s phone. How could he be gone? I called my sister and when she picked up she just said “I just don’t know what to say”. I walked into my bedroom still numb, thinking this was a mistake, and woke my husband and told him what happened. He was blown away too not believing it. I waited until the kids woke and told them. My oldest took it the hardest. He talked to his Pop-Pop every day on FB messenger. My youngest just got quiet and I could see him internalizing. That’s his way. That was July 27th.

Since that time, I’ve cried a lot. I picked up the phone to call him the one day and was halfway through dialing when i realized what I was doing and I promptly broke down. I was at work. I am so grateful I have an understanding sympathetic boss. She found me in my office and hugged me while i sobbed. My sister has done pretty much the same. Lucky for her she’s a homemaker and can deal in the privacy of her own home. Same with Mom. Mom, went the other way. Got very suspicious that everyone just wanted to take things from her that were Dad’s. Its made things hard for my sister and I in dealing with her. I have suggested several times to seek therapy and grief counseling. She hasn’t listened so far.

Tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 75. Its also the two month anniversary of the day he passed. Tomorrow will be very hard for me. I am going to still go to work because I think keeping my mind busy will be better than staying home and wallowing. I’m sure the whole week will be hard. I thought I would have my dad for at least another decade. I miss him terribly. Its not fair. We were a lot alike and I loved laughing with him. I get choked up knowing I will never answer my phone and hear my greet me with “Hi Princess!”…his pet name for me. Why, I have no idea because I was the tom boy of the family, always scuffing my knee, breaking bones, etc.

I went to a good friends wedding Friday afternoon. The groom danced with his daughter because his mother could not attend because of an illness. Seeing him dance with her made me think back to the day of my first wedding where he danced to “Daddy’s little Girl” with me. He was crying but tried hiding it by putting his head on my shoulder, wiping his tears on my gown. I was going to pick “Wind beneath my Wings” for our dance but I know that would have really put him over the edge. I took pity, lol. Thinking about it is making me tear up now.

I’m sorry Dad, that I didn’t come down to visit more often. I’m sorry I didn’t call more often. I have regrets, which I can do nothing about now except let eat at me. I love you Dad and I miss you so, so much. I hope you are watching from above. I hope your dog, Buddy greeted you at the gate along with your friends that passed before you and that you’re all sitting around drinking a beer and catching up. You deserve it.

Ciao

Slow and steady

Posted on by Jennifer GB

So I’ve had some set backs that had slowed me down, one being a death in the family, but I’m getting back on track. As friends are so good at reminding me, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. I am happy to say that I have now gone six weeks without drinking a Diet Coke. I know it doesn’t seem monumental but its a step. Tomorrow I’m going to grab my son and walk in the park. My activity level has gone down dramatically since covid 19 started and then I get a desk job. I have to do something and my son wants to join me. He says he isn’t happy with his weight either.

Well, off to bed. I stayed up late embroidering and watching The Abyss. Gnight folks.

Shitastic week

Posted on by Jennifer GB

A while ago I had given up Diet Coke. I had gone over a year without having any. Then something stressful happened Im sure (because i can’t rightly remember right now) and I started drinking it again. Two days ago i decided to give it up again. Today marks day 2 without drinking Diet Coke. While I wasn’t drinking it like I use to, I’m sure it will still be hard to resist. I’m not a water drinker. Never have been. If its really cold on a hot day or I’d just finished working out, then i can drink it. Otherwise, i don’t like it. I use Mio to tolerate it. So I am now working up to drinking the minimum 64 ounces a day with a hopes to hit the 1 gallon mark down the road. I’d bought that one container that was a gallon but it is a bit unwieldy and a pain to carry around and to work. I mean, the damn thing comes with a shoulder strap! Also, the ice melts too fast in it so it doesn’t stay cold. I think I jumped the gun and overestimated myself when i saw that on a friends page and bought it. It’s currently sitting on my dishwasher looking forlorn and abandoned.

My cousin died this week. She found out in July she had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Sadly I didn’t find out till about two or so weeks ago when my sister told me. She went so fast. She was so young. She left behind her husband and three children, two of which are on the spectrum. I really didn’t get to see her outside of family gatherings because of the distance between our homes, but when we did, it was always full of laughs, smiles and love. I hate that she’s gone. I hate that I wont see her at future parties. I hate that she was taken so young. She was only 40. Why do the good ones die young?! It took about an hour after my sister told me she’d passed for it to sink in and then I started crying. I will miss you, cuz.

Being an emotional eater, I did cave to it some but not nearly what I would normally. I mean, I have never been one of those type of people that say they sit in their car outside of the grocery store and eat an entire cheesecake. I mean yea I’m a big woman but never, ever could i do that. Id barf if i ate more than two pieces. I could have maybe three cookies and a glass of milk and that is so filling i wouldn’t eat for hours. One of the reasons I always wondered why I’d gotten so heavy. I don’t really snack. i log my food into the “Lose it” app on my phone and i rarely go over my allotted calories I’d set in order to lose the weight in the time I’d set. I avoid bread, pasta, rice and sugar as much as possible. I try to get 8k to 10k steps in every day but with the desk job now its a bit harder. Weight loss is so frustrating. Why can’t I have a fast metabolism and eat whatever I want like a lot of my friends?! LOL!

Yesterday they called and told me my car was totaled. I’d heard this from the auto body shop the day before, and that sent me into another whirl of stress and emotion. They told me my Honda CRV 2010 was only work about $5400. When i looked up the payoff amount, it was at $6300. So I owed more than it was worth. All types of mental self beating ensued. “I was an idiot to pay so much for the car four years ago!” “Why didn’t i get gap insurance!” “I was naïve when i bought the car and the asshole salesman pulled a fast one on me and I didn’t know!” Yea..I ran down that mental path crying and punching myself. Then the angel at my insurance company called and informed me that my vehicle was actually worth closer to $9000 and I would actually get money back to put towards a new vehicle. Let me tell you I nearly got onto my desk at work and danced at that news. When I told them what the collision center said it was worth, she said they didn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to car value. So, now I only have my rental for 7 more days and I have to car shop. Guess what I’ll be doing this weekend? I went this morning and cleaned out the last couple things from the old car and got my license plates. Good-bye Safira. You were a good little car.

Stress is a horrible thing. I can handle a little bit and not go over the edge. But between the death of my cousin, the car, mentally going from I will owe money for the now dead car to i don’t owe money and I’ll be getting money back is a horrific roller coaster ride. My boys visit their father this weekend. I think there will be a bit of wine drinking after the car shopping. Cause I’m sure THAT won’t be stressful at all!!

Good Intentions

Posted on by Jennifer GB

Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve written an entry here. So much has happened since January. So…where to begin. Speed update: I have been hired by the NYS Department of education as a support assistant to a wonderful woman who is vision impaired. I pretty much help her out with computer work, reading documents that can’t convert to her special programs like JAWS and the occasional site visit (when things get back to normal from this pandemic). I work from home three days a week, in the office two. Funny thing, she lives a couple blocks away from me so I give her the ride home on the two days we’re in the office.

In March my Grandmother died so we went to the funeral in NJ. Two days later they closed our schools down for the pandemic and thus far we are not going back till minimum October 15th after a reevaluation to see how things look. Then It might be a hybrid opening where K-6 goes to school spread across all the district school buildings and 7-12 distance learns. Since both my kids are in high school, distance learning for them. One loves the idea. The other wants to go back because he misses his teachers and friends.

Yesterday I got on the scale and am at my highest weight of 301. After a bought of sobbing, I got determined. Yesterday i got in 110 oz of water. Walked 3/4 of a mile plus did the stairs at home a lot to do laundry. Got 7747 steps in by the time I fell into bed. Also started using my Lose IT! app again. Today, got up, had coffee and breakfast and then did a beginner weight training video. My stomach got in the way a little for the mat exercises but i modified and still did it to the best of my ability. Guzzling the water again today. Plan to walk to the post office again. Did fine walking except for the low back really hurting by the time I got back home. Since I gain my weight in my torso and have a gut, its understandable I had the back pain. In time, it will shrink.

I figured all this time ive been trying to do low carb and it isn’t working..i need to get off my ass and deal with the pain of my neck injury and work out anyway. I also decided that I can do lower carb but I feel like its not feasible to do it forever. Lets face it: I like bread. Not cheap shit white sandwich bread but good crusty artisan bread. Do I have it often? No. So I figure its ok to have a slice on occasion when its with a nice dinner. Same goes for sweets. I am adopting the moderation in everything mindset. Not denying myself anything just limiting it. I mean come on..its food…its not like I will never have that food again ever so small portion. I know I’ll have it again at some point. Savor the taste, enjoy it then move on. So, Im not proud of hitting that number on the scale but it will not be at that number long at all. I have a goal of losing the desired 120 pounds by my 50th birthday in just under 2 years. I can do this.

Im posting starting day 1 photos of myself. Now you know I’m REALLY serious if I’m willing to show what I look like. I’ll get my measurements later when I find my quilting measuring tape.