Dad

I had started a post back at the beginning of July I never got to finish, which I deleted. It started with the pain I was in from bad weather rolling through the area kicking my osteoarthritis into high gear and making me crabby. Making me depressed about how my life and health has gone since I was hit by the tractor trailer in 1997. The following week after that post, my father died suddenly. Yea..previous post paled in comparison so, yea.

Dad went in for aortic aneurysm repair, which was successful. Took a little while longer because of his weight but it got done and all was good. But then his gout kicked up in his knees and the doctors do not like to let you take your gout medication if your healing from a surgery. This prevented him from getting up and moving around post op. After some time and due diligence on my Sister’s part for getting previous medical records from his last surgery at a different hospital, they put him back on the meds which got Dad up and walking around. He was not long after, transferred to the rehabilitation facility to rebuild strength in his legs. A few days after being there, they found he had developed pulmonary embolisms from not getting up right away after surgery. Off to the ER he is rushed where they promptly admitted him to the ICU and gave him Heparin to get rid of the clots. He was there a couple days under observation, then they sent him back to the rehab. Two days later, the nurse walked in at 5am and found him gone. One of the clots had gotten loose and caused his death. He went quickly, I was told. My mother called me at 5:30 in the morning crying and telling me as she was running across the field to the rehab facility (which was next door to their home). I stood there in shock. I had just video chatted with him the previous night trying to help him with his phone, through my mom’s phone. How could he be gone? I called my sister and when she picked up she just said “I just don’t know what to say”. I walked into my bedroom still numb, thinking this was a mistake, and woke my husband and told him what happened. He was blown away too not believing it. I waited until the kids woke and told them. My oldest took it the hardest. He talked to his Pop-Pop every day on FB messenger. My youngest just got quiet and I could see him internalizing. That’s his way. That was July 27th.

Since that time, I’ve cried a lot. I picked up the phone to call him the one day and was halfway through dialing when i realized what I was doing and I promptly broke down. I was at work. I am so grateful I have an understanding sympathetic boss. She found me in my office and hugged me while i sobbed. My sister has done pretty much the same. Lucky for her she’s a homemaker and can deal in the privacy of her own home. Same with Mom. Mom, went the other way. Got very suspicious that everyone just wanted to take things from her that were Dad’s. Its made things hard for my sister and I in dealing with her. I have suggested several times to seek therapy and grief counseling. She hasn’t listened so far.

Tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 75. Its also the two month anniversary of the day he passed. Tomorrow will be very hard for me. I am going to still go to work because I think keeping my mind busy will be better than staying home and wallowing. I’m sure the whole week will be hard. I thought I would have my dad for at least another decade. I miss him terribly. Its not fair. We were a lot alike and I loved laughing with him. I get choked up knowing I will never answer my phone and hear my greet me with “Hi Princess!”…his pet name for me. Why, I have no idea because I was the tom boy of the family, always scuffing my knee, breaking bones, etc.

I went to a good friends wedding Friday afternoon. The groom danced with his daughter because his mother could not attend because of an illness. Seeing him dance with her made me think back to the day of my first wedding where he danced to “Daddy’s little Girl” with me. He was crying but tried hiding it by putting his head on my shoulder, wiping his tears on my gown. I was going to pick “Wind beneath my Wings” for our dance but I know that would have really put him over the edge. I took pity, lol. Thinking about it is making me tear up now.

I’m sorry Dad, that I didn’t come down to visit more often. I’m sorry I didn’t call more often. I have regrets, which I can do nothing about now except let eat at me. I love you Dad and I miss you so, so much. I hope you are watching from above. I hope your dog, Buddy greeted you at the gate along with your friends that passed before you and that you’re all sitting around drinking a beer and catching up. You deserve it.

Ciao